Just sitting here waiting for today’s internal shitstorm to begin. Sipping cohosh and primrose tea for whatever good it will do me. Plus I took a Gennev.

This is the third day in a row with less than seven hours of sleep. This time I can blame it on the fucking skunk that let one rip too close to home. Goddamn, do I hope these fuckers aren’t a regular issue in Florida!

Yesterday ended up being a shitty day and Gennev’s magnesium is proving to be worthless, just like everything else has. I had the same problem I’ve had twice recently which Tom thinks is due to skipping too many times. I’ve skipped a total of three times recently but have taken my med the last couple of days and am determined to learn to tough it out once and for all as impossible as that may seem.

It started off when I was light-headed for a minute or two and then later my heart started beating a little fast and a little hard. Then sure enough, once I passed the halfway mark of my day, I was anxious and it went on for more than four to five hours. It lasted most of the rest of my day.

I just don’t know what to think or do anymore! I think it’s got to be on the medication. It just seems that my hormones wouldn’t know what point of my day I was in but a medication I took certainly would. Also, people describe menopausal anxiety as being extra worrisome, not waves of adrenaline in the chest making you feel the way it makes you feel emotionally, sometimes even wishing you could just drop dead. But a foreign chemical I was taking into my body certainly could even if it’s supposed to be the “same stuff” my thyroid makes.

And why did I have similar symptoms as what I had when I first went to 75 and then to 88 where the chest anxiety became prominent at the end of 2016? Since when does menopause cause you to have the runs, lose your appetite, and lose weight? That’s just not the way it works. Your appetite increases and you gain weight… Without the runs.

I just don’t get why I don’t have any anxiety every single time I take the medication. But still, something’s got to be wrong somewhere. It just seems too extreme for menopause so unless they’re missing something, the answer has to lie within the medication. It’s just that I’ve never heard about people not being able to do something about their menopause symptoms. Why do so many people swear by things like black cohosh, primrose, magnesium, and other things if they don’t help?

I started to lose hope in the extremely off-chance of it being the house when I remembered that I was feeling really anxious in the chest one time when I went to my old dentist, and then the stomach anxiety when I was on my way to Stacey one day. But the anxiety did start at home. I can’t remember a time when I went out and then became anxious, not that I’m out very often to begin with.

I just wish I could know what it is, what (if anything) I could do about it, and if it will ever go away! It would be such a huge relief if I knew it was hormonal and wouldn’t last forever. I think that right there would help tremendously. But I can’t possibly know this.

This isn’t something I can just disengage myself from, ignore, or simply walk away from as much as I wish to hell I could. No, I couldn’t do that any more than I could turn off past impossible dreams, goals, and desires until time, circumstances or both turned them off for me. I’d love to be able to say, “I’m not going to take this shit. I’m not going to acknowledge it. I’m going to totally ignore it and not let it get to me.”

But sadly, it just doesn’t work that way.

I totally misunderstood Tom the other day. He wasn’t talking about turning the garage into a bedroom/office but an office/workshop instead.

We’re still torn between going inland versus coastal. Every time we find a place that seems ideal, there’s a catch…too close to a train track, too close to a highway, etc. At this point, I say just let the cheapest place win! I’m not going to get the kind of quiet I want anyway, so why not?

Doc A showed up in my dreams again last night for a sleepover in our two-story house, lol. I ran down a hallway (or was it a staircase?) to greet her when she arrived at the house in the evening. I said, “Hi, I’ve missed you!” with my arms outstretched for a hug. Then I stopped and asked if I could hug her. She said yes.

A short while later, Tom was turning in for bed early. He was about to head up the stairs to the bedrooms which were off the kitchen while Doc A was whispering something unintelligible in my ear.

Took a break from this entry to take a shower. Of course I had to listen to the paper car right after I got out. At least the planes should be quiet for two or three hours before they start back up again.

After my recent concoction, I felt a wave of fatigue and also a bit calmer. The internal shitstorm probably won’t begin till around 6:30. I still can’t believe I’m going through this shit! My life could be damn near perfect if it wasn’t for this shit. This is all wrong. This shouldn’t be happening. Why must there always be one thing or another? Well, I can assure you that my past problems were much easier than this!