I can’t deny the fact that it still saddens me, like when I woke up early in the evening, knowing that if Aly was alive I’d have messages waiting for me even if it was just trivial things and asking how I was doing.

I had a shitty night last night with anxiety. I’ve definitely noticed a pattern trending with me lately and that’s that it usually gets me around the middle of my day and lasts 4-5 hours. Decided to try Gennev’s brand of magnesium which will arrive Sunday. It’s 17 bucks a bottle but I’d pay a million times more if it’ll work. I doubt it will, though, because nothing has yet but I can’t resist the natural urge to try to help myself so I can feel better.

I realize there could be one or more culprits involved ranging from menopause to the medication to the thyroid itself. I’m skipping today’s dose, though, and this will be my third skip, so tomorrow I’ll go back to taking it consistently.

As for my toe, I’m virtually positive it’s not Melanoma because the stripe would be darker, thicker, and extend up under my cuticle if it was. I’m pretty sure it’s a splinter hemorrhage though I’m not sure how I got it.

A random memory decided it would be a fine time to pop into mine when I was showering and that was when my wonderful father told me he would “walk away” if I kept expressing how frustrated I was with his abusive wife back in the late 80s or so because “that was his wife I was talking about.”

The older, smarter me would have said, “Well, I’m your daughter so let me take the honors of being the one to walk away.”

But it’s complicated. It’s complicated because if I hadn’t reached out to them for help after dumping my parents for a decade when we got in a jam when we first came to Cali 14 years ago, we wouldn’t have been pulled out of the quicksand that was quickly swallowing us up. Nor would we have gotten the money to get out of Jesse’s dumpy old trailer and into this place where we could ultimately get a decent sum of money to get a place in a better state, despite how noisy it’s been here.

Speaking of that better state, Tom’s really liking this city that’s a little smaller than Citrus Heights called Port Orange. He showed me a 45k house he wants and while the house didn’t really speak to me and get me all excited since it’s a corner lot with the same less-than-exciting view we have here, we could practically ride our bikes to the beach just three miles away! But houses are selling fast there just like they are here so it will probably be gone when we’re ready.

Since we’re likely to be more in central or northern Florida (just not very northern Florida) we talked about some things we might want to do there like watching some of the rockets take off. Not sure I would really be interested in Epcot Center but Busch Gardens looks like it would be a lot of fun. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to go on any of the roller coasters, but some of the rides look fun and there would be other things to do as well like shopping and dining and they have these little safari tours as well.

Can’t wait to take tons of pics of the move, whatever house we end up with, and the things we do!

Another positive to not going too far south is that we would be less likely to be evacuated for hurricanes and if we decided we didn’t like being in a park there any more than here but still like the state, it’s closer to rural areas that we could check out as possible alternatives. I think Steinhatchee would be too far north and the winters would be too much like here. But starting off in a park is a better way to test the climate because we could get out of there faster if we had to leave the state altogether than if we got some rural place.

I would have loved going extremely remote 20 years ago when I was younger and healthier but with us getting older and spoiled by modern conveniences, we’re not so sure it would be wise to be that isolated and I know we would both miss the high-speed Internet end having things delivered right to our door. We’ve never had to yet but I like knowing that I could run next door or across the street if the car crapped out and we needed to get somewhere in a hurry, even though there’s always Uber for that, but still.

Burgundy is definitely my new favorite hair color. It looks so good on me! Took some pictures of it but the pictures don’t do it justice at all. My hair looks lighter in the photos too. It’s actually a rich deep warm shade of burgundy that looks great on me. My hair also looks thinner than it is in the pictures. It’s not thick like when I was younger but it’s not thin either.

Later…

Sometimes it bothers me that I’ll never have the home of my dreams and by saying that I don’t mean a luxury mansion either. I don’t even mean something small and luxurious. Just a peaceful modest place that isn’t too big or too small where I feel at home. A place that really speaks to me. I don’t know how to describe it but it has to do with the house itself and what’s around it that makes it stand out or not. Sometimes I’ll pass by a place and realize I could feel really comfortable and at home there and all that, but I honestly don’t think it’s in my cards any more than it was ever in my cards to marry a woman, have a kid, or make it as a writer. I think the place is going to be just there with no special “homey” or cozy kind of feeling. I don’t think I’m ever going to literally love where I live, feel really blessed to live there and be unable to imagine ever moving again.

Even so, I believe the next place really is likely to be it. So knowing what’s in my cards and what isn’t, I’ll just take whatever we can afford as long as it’s not literally unappealing. I’m not even going to be lucky enough to get in a petless park or a petless section. I don’t know how I know this. I just do. Some things really never do change and there really is no escaping them. The best I can do is hope that it’s at least not as noisy as this place in general and that the soundproofing we intend to do helps a lot. Then it would only be annoying when we were in the lanai.