My bestie is dead. She really is. I’m devastated. Just totally and absolutely heartbroken. ☹ I never thought I could come to be so close to someone I never met. We always believed we would meet one day but now we never will. She got me like no one else ever got me other than my husband. She was so intelligent and not the least bit judgmental. She accepted me as I was and never tried to change me in any way or make me someone I wasn’t.

When I received the last chilling message from her telling me she was going to die and how it sucked because she hardly lived and that she hoped her dad or a neighbor could figure out her phone to let me know when it happened, I just assumed she only felt like she was gonna die. Hell, I believed I was going to die when I had that horrifying reaction to my medication. So I thought that’s all it was; just her feeling like or falsely believing she was going to die.

Once it got to 48 hours without hearing from her I knew something had to be up and that she wasn’t just having a rough recovery because she’d never gone more than a day without contacting me.

I just didn’t understand, though. How did you go from stage two cancer to death just like that? And then it hit me that it probably had to do with her stoma. I knew it was infected and began to fear that sepsis killed her.

It also hit me to check her step count on Fitbit. I knew she had her Fitbit with her and was going to check to see if the daily average step count changed after midnight.

I’m on nights right now and didn’t get up until around 8:00 PM. One of the first things I did was run and check my phone. I was delighted to finally see I had a Skype message. I grinned happily and tapped on the icon.

Only it wasn’t from her. It was from a woman named Cindy asking that I call her back. That’s when I knew for sure and my worst fears were realized. I knew Aly hadn’t contacted me because she couldn’t and not because she was simply recovering.

Even though I’m using speech-to-text, it’s probably going to take me forever to do this entry because my glasses keep fogging up from my tears and I have to keep taking them off to wipe them.

I called the number and was sent to voice mail, so I left a message. In the meantime, thinking I had my ringer turned on, I looked up her name and found that just as I suspected, she’s her parents’ neighbor. She’s in her 60s. I contacted her there and then found I had a voice message saying that Aly made her promise she would get in touch with me and also that her parents were able to be with her until the end.

My last message from Aly was just hours before her death. So she wasn’t exaggerating and she really did know that she was going to die. As Tom was explaining to me and as I’ve heard before when they first tell you you’re going to die, it’s very hard to accept and believe, but the doctor would have told her, probably during the 10 minutes between her final 2 messages. I guess the way sepsis works is that it’s a bacteria that blooms rather quickly and once it gets to a certain level in the bloodstream, there’s nothing they can do about it. With her being so frail in the end, her body just couldn’t fight it.

I’m bawling my eyes out like a baby. I haven’t cried this much in ages. It’s just so hard to wrap my head around the fact that it’s over. I’m never going to hear from her again, the friend I had for over a decade. We’re never going to share stories or what’s going on in our lives. We looked so forward to eventually meeting. But now I’m never going to be able to share our future move with her (we plan to contact the realtor Wednesday) and I know I’ll never have another friend even remotely like her.

I’m trying to tell myself that at least she won’t have to go through menopause. At least she won’t have to deal with her vision getting shitty and having to get glasses. At least she won’t have to deal with all kinds of shit that you go through as you age but that’s not much consolation.

Now I’m crying so hard that speech-to-text is having a hard time understanding me.

So where was I? Yeah, this sucks. This fucking sucks. It’s so unfair! Why couldn’t it have been some sick, lying, vindictive, vengeful, narcissistic person like my sister and her twisted brats? Oh, how I’m itching to give them a piece of my mind right now but I can’t while I’m here and risk them having us swatted. But hey, what’s the hurry? These assholes will live forever. There’s plenty of time even if it takes us years to get out of here. Maybe only the good really do die young. My husband’s a great guy so maybe he needs to start doing something bad every now and then to ensure he lives longer.

Aly had just turned 40 and now she’ll never receive the birthday present I sent since her birthday was on April 17th and she went into the hospital around April 1st.

Her parents are no doubt understandably very sad and angry now. I hope they sue this shit out of the doctor that misdiagnosed her and also the doctor who ultimately helped kill her. It’s just so fucking fucked up and twisted that she ends up in the hospital because one doctor fucks up and then another one fucks her up during surgery which ends up leading to her death. I’ve never fully trusted doctors and I swear I would never bother with them myself if I had a choice. But I don’t want to go into a coma or have a heart attack so I have to keep going to them for my thyroid medication. I need to see and don’t want to get glaucoma so I need to keep going to eye doctors. I have soft tooth enamel so I have to keep going to dentists. I have atresia so I have to keep going to ENTs.

Naturally, I have so many questions I wonder about. Did she suffer in the end? Was she scared? Is there an afterlife that she now lives in? Is it better than this life? Each year that goes by, the less I believe in God with all the shit that goes on in this world. Well, unless there is an afterlife and it’s a million times better than even our best of days on earth, God’s a cruel motherfucker to take someone as wonderful as she was. So what if she wasn’t always honest? I wouldn’t have cared at this point if she told me 100 lies a day, if Cam wasn’t real, if she was on the FBI’s most-wanted list; I just wanted her to be OK and contact me. I just wanted to hear that while she may have a rough road ahead, she would get through it. Not end up dead when she still had so much life left to live. She finally found her dream job which so few people do, just to be pulled from it and into her death. Just so fucking unfair!

Had to stop and bawl my eyes out some more. My eyes are gonna be swollen with all this crying but I don’t care. I just want her back!

It’s going to be so weird not checking in on Skype and never finding any tweets waiting for me. I can no longer email her copies of my journal, most of which I didn’t share publicly. I can no longer go to her for writing feedback or whatever. She would always give intelligent advice and it’s just gonna be so hard knowing she’s no longer around. I’m not letting go of her on Twitter. Unless someone shuts the account down, it’s the only connection I have left to her besides a few other sites, apps, and Skype.

I couldn’t find Kim’s sister Carol on Facebook but I found her dojo and sent a DM there so she could inform Kim.

Molly can go fuck herself. She’s just so fucked in the head. She’s obsessive, she’s constantly angry, and the drama queen from hell. I’m not even going to bother notifying her. Aly ghosted her in the end for a reason. She’s so self-absorbed. If there’s ever a day when she cares enough to even remember Aly, let her go look for her on her own just to not be able to find her.

Tom went to bed but then got up saying he couldn’t sleep because he was so sad for me. I could practically fix California’s drought with all my tears. ☹

RIP Alison Kara. ☹ There will never be another friend like you to share good times and rough times with, along with dreams, hopes, goals and ideas. ☹