Our first lookers were a no-show. Damnit. I hope they have the runs all night long!

Someone’s supposed to come tomorrow at 2:00 as well, so hopefully they’ll show up.

The office contacted him saying they noticed our house was for sale and we’re supposed to fill out a form for that. It’s an Intent to Sell form that we’re surprised Pierce didn’t tell us about. He took a walk down to the office and got the form.

For a brief moment, I thought about how funny it would be, but not too surprising, if the homebuyer people finally contacted us after we contacted a realtor, and they did. They sent a message saying they haven’t forgotten about us but have had many requests for their services and are backed up and all that. Did it really have to take this long for them to tell us that?

The more I think about the stilt house the less it appeals to me, though it’d still be a great backup if we don’t find anything else we like. The only positives to it are the peace and price. There are so many negatives to it. It’s just so damn remote. I would take it over this place in a heartbeat and I would have loved it when I was younger but now that we’re getting older, I don’t know that I want us to be that isolated. Then we would have to deal with the spotty Internet connection all over again, wells, and we could forget about Walmart deliveries too. I may be an introvert but not that much of one. He’s always been a hermit yet even he agrees it would be better for us to be in a park, preferably a co-op, around other people. A gated community is a bit safer as well.

One of my biggest fears being in the wilderness during our brief time on Bly Mountain in Oregon was running into bears and big cats. I don’t want to have to go back to that shit. Also, as Andy pointed out, the house is on stilts for a reason. Well, I don’t want us to get trapped by floods. Lastly, it’s too far North and would get cold at night in the winter just like it does here. Hell, we’re still getting cold at night. We’re supposed to get down to 49 degrees tonight and it’s already getting late in May.

I can’t wait for Sunday so we can warm back up again and hopefully be less windy as well. The cool spell we’ve been having along with the wind has been amplifying the planes and helicopters and making them annoying as hell.

To add to those annoyances will be that really loud Pride bus returning to take Diane to and from daycare once again. Dixie said she’ll be returning to her daycare program soon. Figured she couldn’t wait until we got the hell out of here.

Nancy had the inside of her house painted today but they were quiet about it.

An hour and a half after today’s potential buyer failed to show up, we mailed out the colorful kitty and butterfly diamond painting I made for Kim and then we went to Rite Aid and picked up some wine and treats.

He has his appointment with Doc A on Monday and maybe she can tell him why he bleeds so easily when he gets a cut. His lower legs look awful with discoloration from varicose veins and all that. I made him promise me he’ll have her look over all his spots to make sure nothing looks like it could be cancerous or at least precancerous.

It totally figures that I’ll be asleep when he’s at his appointment. I wouldn’t want to go back to the days of having the house to myself for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, but it would be nice every now and then. So it figures I’ll be sleeping through it, not that he should be gone for long.

I had a really shitty day. While I did feel anxious, my racing heart was what was most noticeable throughout the day. It was so frustrating! At one point I felt warm and then I felt fatigued but nothing major as far as those feelings go.

I skipped my meds the day before yesterday and felt great. I skipped them today and felt like shit. So once again I’m not sure the medication is involved. My first thought was – well, maybe it’s residual effects - but if that was the case, why did I feel so good a couple of days ago?

Tom feels it’s because we have so much going on and there’s so much unknown at the moment. He said that when we went through the crisis in the trailer and at the motel before that, it was a straightforward situation where we knew what the problem was and what we needed to fix it. He’s so right, too. We were broke and we needed money. It was that simple. But now there’s so much in the air. We think we like the Gulf side better than the Atlantic side but where will we go for sure? When will it happen? Will we have to stay in a hotel here before we go? What will my new doctors be like? Will they be helpful in any significant way? How will the climate affect us? What will our neighbors be like?

The questions are endless and I just hope he’s right when he says he truly believes without a doubt that once we get settled and don’t have so much mystery going on in our lives and can take the time to better focus on it, we can figure out what it is and how to deal with it. Well, I’ve definitely had enough of this shit! I have never felt so bad than in the time we’ve lived in this house. I know it’s a long shot and total wishful thinking but it sure would be nice if it was something about this house itself that was simply cursing me physically and especially emotionally. I’ve read stories about those who have had an endless stream of “back luck” after moving into certain places. I don’t think I could get that lucky, though, to simply be able to up and move and be done with it. It’ll follow me. I know it will. I just don’t feel as confident as he does that we’ll ever figure out what it is or at least what to do about it even if we don’t know exactly what the cause(s) are. But damn, do I miss feeling like I felt before we moved into this damn place! I can never have my old thyroid back or my old vision or many other things but I wish I could at least have the version of myself back that didn’t have this kind of anxiety and to this degree.

I don’t know at all. I’m wrong sometimes. So hopefully this will be one of those times I’m wrong but I won’t count on it. Still, the process of elimination begins once we get out of here. When we do, there goes the house and there goes the giant cemetery. In a couple more years or less, there goes hormonal issues.

I swear it’s like something wants me to suffer at times since I can’t take psych meds without suffering the side effects but he feels confident I don’t need them. Well, I hope he’s right, and what he believes will end up being the case because I can’t do this for another 20 years or so. I just can’t. It’s way too hard on me. We’re almost 5 months into the year and I don’t think I can add up a total of 2 months where I felt good. I can’t keep playing this game forever. It would kill me if I didn’t kill myself first.

Began doing the wolf diamond painting that I’ll probably send to Eileen. I don’t think I’m going to like it much anyway. Too much gray. Also, these drills are square instead of round and that means they have to be placed very precisely in order to look good. It’s a good-sized painting that will take quite a while to do because of the way I can’t place the drills as quickly and you can’t see the image. It’s just a bunch of letters and symbols in a grid against a white background. So I might not even finish it while we’re still in this state. I sure hope not, anyway! That would mean things would be going horribly slow.

Wherever we end up, I can’t wait to soundproof! Being such a light sleeper and with all the thunderstorms they have, that alone will be reason enough. It’s gotten a lot easier and more affordable over the years. Wish we could have had this option and done it here eight years ago but of course not. The skinny piece of soundproofing material is supposed to be like having a 10-foot thick concrete wall surrounding you. So yeah, that oughta block sounds quite well. That way I won’t have to listen to people and their damn projects or barking if we don’t get into a petless park. Quieter would still be better so we could enjoy the lanai when the weather permits which isn’t anything we could soundproof very easily. But at least my sleep wouldn’t be threatened and I could have some peace inside the main house. We’re going to start with the bedroom and will eventually work our way around the entire house.

I still miss Aly and it’s still so hard to believe she’s gone. Every time something happens, good or bad, I wish I could Skype her about it and share it with her, and then I remember I can’t. Damn, do I really miss her! I shed a few tears of joy when I finally saw that for-sale sign and it got even more real but I’m not as excited as I would be if Aly were alive to share it with. I mean I am but I’m not. It’s still going to be an exciting and one seriously emotional day when we leave, in a good way, of course. I don’t doubt that I’ll be going ballistic with joy. It’s just that her not being around does dampen some of that excitement. People could tell me she’s out there somewhere and somehow knows what’s going on with me but I don’t know that for sure. I can’t make myself believe something out of sheer wishful thinking or desire. Oh, I think I’m going to burst into tears again.