NOTE: the part above the dividing line was written Monday morning. I was too tired to proofread and post it at that time.

Grief leaves you feeling so rundown in a way that is similar to when you have a cold. At least it does with me. I look horrible with my eyes nearly swollen shut from crying all night long. The heavy sadness also dampens my appetite. Anxiety does the same thing. I would rather feel better and go back to having to worry about my weight. That’s been on the rise. Although very slowly, it’s continuing to rise and I can only hope that it’s due to menopause and will stop soon. I woke up at another record high of 159.2. Got a bad feeling it’s only a matter of days now before I break into the 160s.

My heart is heavy with the loss of Aly and I’m depressed in general. I miss the days when things were new and exciting. I don’t miss my past problems but sometimes I miss the way I used to perceive and feel about things if that makes any sense. That’s part of why there will never be another Aly even if there could be. Even if I met someone who was a carbon copy of her, I’m not the same person I was when we met in 2008 so it just wouldn’t be the same. I’ll never have another really close friend whose loss could affect me in the way hers has.

I keep asking myself why I care. We never met and there were no guarantees that we ever would. Even if we did meet, we probably would have only seen each other a few times and that was it. So what good could we really have done each other?

Well, apparently a lot. Obviously, even strictly digital friendships can be rich with meaning and purpose as I’ve learned. Our words, our pictures, everything we shared. The things we learned from each other.

I still worry I’m going to spend most of the rest of my life bored, suffering, or both. I also worry that they’re going to find all kinds of things wrong with the house. We can never just plan something and do it.

Losing Aly has made me see that you really can’t count on things for the most part. I just never would have guessed she would die like this. I really thought we would have been friends for the rest of my life. But this is a reminder that just because I assume, dream or feel that something is going to happen in the future a certain way or at a certain time doesn’t mean it will.

I am so very grateful that I don’t have to go through this alone and that Tom has been such a love and a great support! Now that’s something I’ve always been able to count on. :)

And then I worry about Tom and I growing old and dying and what suffering we may do along the way and it scares me. I want to die first because I don’t want to die alone. But then I don’t want him dying alone either or being left alone if I go first. So it’s really hard. Aly’s death reminds me not to assume. I always assumed that because he’s a guy and 8 years older he would die first and I would kill myself at the same time or right afterward. But now I see that I can’t count on that happening for sure. It really is possible that I could develop breast cancer in 5 years or some other form of cancer and it kills me. Or maybe in 15 years, I’ll drop dead of a heart attack. I always assumed he would make it to his mid-80s but maybe he’ll die in a car accident in 10 years. Life really is full of unknowns as hard as that is to deal with at times. At the same time, I don’t want to know a lot of things, including who’s going to die first, how, and when.

Ugh, I keep clicking on Skype out of habit. :( This is just all wrong. She should be at school now and not leaving till noon my time. Then when I get up, I should have a message about her day that she left in the evening when she was unwinding and checking email and things like that. Instead, she’s in a fucking funeral home if not already in the ground. I don’t know how that works, though. I don’t even know if she’s going to be buried or cremated. I asked Cindy if she knew when and where the funeral was to be held. I’d like to look it up on Google Maps so I can see where she’s resting and hope to hear back from her.

Carol replied saying she was sorry and would let Kim know. Despite the fact that Kim lacks empathy in general, I think it really will hit her to a degree and that she’ll be sad.

More things make sense now that they’ve had a chance to play out. Plus Tom did some research to understand things better. This tumor had to have been growing for at least two years. In my early 2019 journal, she mentioned stomach issues. All those stomach issues that her doctor told her were due to Crohn’s disease, according to what Tom read, were actually because of the tumor. The chronic cough she had is also a symptom of cancer.

Damn, though! I wish she’d dumped me. At this point that would have been a hell of a lot easier to deal with than her dying.

I’ve heard many people say that when someone they’re close to dies, they take a piece of them with them and it’s so true. Aly was a big part of my life and a big part of me is now gone.

Again I wonder why. If there is a God out there that actively picks and chooses what happens to us such as when we die, then why? Why would you fucking take someone that had another 40 or 50 years left to live? Why would you do that to her parents? Why would you do that to her friends like me? Why, why, why???

If there really is an afterlife, then I hope those who die young are actually the lucky ones because they’re going to a place that’s so much better than this existence that they’re actually lucky to escape it earlier than most.

I think of all the stories I’ve heard about the afterlife. The usual ones… Floating through a tunnel toward a bright light. Becoming a light and a source of energy that doesn’t have a body anymore but doesn’t need or want anything and feels nothing but eternal love and peace.

Is this all just wishful thinking on the part of the living?

Oh, Aly! Are you in another dimension enjoying all the things you loved to do on earth that you were too sick so much of the time to be able to really enjoy? Are you able to look down on those you were close to? Please, Aly! If there’s any way you can send me a sign that you somehow go on somewhere, please do it whether it’s in my dreams or when I’m awake, even if it’s kind of scary.

But can the dead really interact with the living even if they do go on somehow? Probably not. If they could influence the living, we’d all be winning the lottery like crazy and nothing bad would ever happen to us.

Right now I’m trying not to worry but I worry that they’re gonna find all kinds of problems with the house as I said. Maybe we’re living in termite hell or there are other unknown issues that are going to delay the move for God knows how many more months or even years. I just want to get the fuck out of here! We may have good neighbors but I hate it here otherwise. The planes are driving me crazy. The commercials are worse at night again. There are dozens and dozens of them every day, along with small planes, and of course, there are helicopters as well. All on top of too much loud traffic too close for comfort. It’s too cold for me in the winter and I just hate this place in general. I can’t believe this was my childhood dream although that was SoCal and not NorCal. But even so…this house. This house has been where everything has changed and not for the good. I’m going to be leaving a whole different person than what I moved in here as.

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I never heard back from Cindy and Aly never sent me a sign in my dreams that she lives on somewhere. But life post-Aly must begin, as sad as it is. The Internet is never going to be the same without her!

Instead, I was woken up by traffic, slept shitty in general, and woke up tired. I’m not really surprised with all that’s going on.

I did dream of Alyssa, though. First we were walking somewhere and the next thing I knew she was lying on the sidewalk bent backward at a funny angle. I thought something was wrong at first and I nudged her with my foot. But then I saw through the blonde curls that were strewn across her face that she was smiling. She was just getting a kick out of what someone said that was walking nearby.

Then she had to drive me somewhere and she wasn’t happy about it because she wouldn’t speak to me. She just grunted in reply to the things I said as I tried to make pleasant small talk. But someone asked her to drive me somewhere and she felt obligated to that person. She would just mutter something like, “Oh” or “Yeah” whenever I said something.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, I finally said, I’m sorry, Alyssa (about the messages I sent her), and got the same reply.

Tom reminded me that most people believe death happens in threes. They sure seem to, alright, as I learned in 2012 when I lost both my parents and my brother. Well, Aly is the third death when you count Bob and Virginia. They all passed within 10 months just like my parents and brother passed within 10 months.