A couple of days ago I wrote a note to Tom that he said was the best I’d ever written to him. Yeah, that’s cuz I told him to forget the patio, the back room, the kid, and more due to all that’s been going on till he’s ready to do whatever he wants.

Anyway, we’re looking forward to a fun weekend. He’s got to mow here and at his parent’s house among other things, but hopefully, we can go swimming, play cards, and screw. Tomorrow I’m mid-cycle, though, so he may want to go down on me or screw in a position that’s easier for him to hold back in. If he goes on top of me, which would shock me, I’ll bet he won’t be there for long. I wouldn’t be surprised if he screwed me tonight and then had some excuse as to why he couldn’t screw tomorrow or at least not for long or on top. Something of his will be sore. Or he may wake up super early so he can be exhausted. Also, I’ll bet he won’t touch me till the end of the day, but I’ll let you know, of course.

Andy may call later. I hope everything’s OK with him. He says his life is very stagnant, too, and that he feels a lot of the feelings I do.

Tom told me if I went to the hospital to see his dad, to be prepared for the guy he shares a room with. He’s a Jewish guy who’s had bypass surgery (that may remind me of my dad). I asked how he knew he was Jewish, and Tom says it’s nothing you can put your finger on, but it’s a subliminal thing that’s inflected in the way the guy talks.

A few days ago, he and his mother talked about money that they’d never quite had before. Well, as I’ve probably mentioned before, his dad was 21 during the depression and he got set in his ways as far as saving money, don’t spend it unless you absolutely need to, cuz the whole country is broke and on welfare. This stuck with him and has always been a way of life for him just like most kids that were abused. That sticks with them and that’s a way of life for them as a child and as an adult. Not everyone can stop living in the past or not go on to do stuff that was done to them.

Anyway, when Mom and Dad got married, it was agreed upon them that the money was his money and it wasn’t to be spent. She could ask for things and stuff like that, but the money wasn’t to be touched for things that weren’t necessities, even though all their accounts are joint accounts. So, Ma told Tom that Dad wanted to give his money to the 5 kids after he dies, even if Mom’s still alive. Tom said he didn’t agree with that (I feel the same), but that it was their money to do as they please.

Again Tom will be stopping by the hospital today after work. I hope his dad is better and close to going home, if not going home. They’re gonna give his dad an oxygen tank to take home with him. Hopefully, that’ll help him.

Before Tom went to work I downloaded some information for him for the first time all by myself from AOL. I also researched AOL for art information but didn’t really find out too much. I mean, it was so overwhelming since there are a million different places to go and a million different things to see. To cover all of what’s on AOL would probably take years. It would also cost a fortune. There’s a monthly fee for AOL that I believe is $10. The first 5 hours are free, and then you get charges added to that $10. I found an area where people made requests for certain drawings they were looking for. One needed a drawing of chickens or something like that for a family reunion. One needed a banana split.

Now would be a good time to sing, but I don’t really feel like it. Musically speaking, though, I did rearrange my tapes. I made a row of them in front of my row of CDs since they were a pain to get at in those cassette drawers. I like to be able to see as much of my music as I can in one spot.

I went for a quick swim just now. It’s to be another hot one out there today and I probably won’t see many of my birds till early afternoon when they get good and hungry or towards the later afternoon. Different birds have different habits and schedules. Chicken Pigeon, for example, usually makes his appearance in the morning and at the end of the day.

It pisses me off that I can’t go swimming at night. Well, I can, but I’d have to do it without the pool light on since the thing that controls it is dead. The reason why I don’t want to swim in a dark pool is that I can’t see what dead bees I may be swimming into or other insects. I’ll have to ask Tom if there’s any other way to activate that light.

I’ll also have to ask him how long email remains on AOL. I think it’s a month or 3 months. Tammy’s so busy and she’s barely got the time to go online, so I hope she’s getting all my messages. I don’t think she’d be tied up from getting online for a month, though. She’s probably gotten my messages but is too lazy or too busy to reply to any of my messages.

I have been praying to God to help Dad get better. Since he’s not very fond of me, who knows if he’ll do so or if he even heard me. We’ll just have to wait and see what Tom has to say when he returns from the hospital.

Alex sent me a message saying he moved. He’s still in Vermont but instead of being in Essex Junction, he’s in Colchester.

Bob’s gonna be a bit confused when he gets my next letter, seeing that it’s journal drafts. He’ll think it’s a letter and be expecting the usual from me. Stuff like how the weather is and just general stuff. Not little details like when I did laundry and shit like that.

Speaking of Bob, he’s well overdue for a new game. What kind of game can Kim and I or just myself play on him? Sometimes I wish I could erase his mind of the edits and all that funny talk and gibberish, so I could start anew by really catching him off guard and confusing him and shocking him and just totally freaking him out with weird lines and gibberish.

When the fuck am I gonna hear from Gloria’s fan club again? They promised me pictures and catalogs in May, so what the hell’s taking so long? They really are screwed up in running this club! I had a dream about a week ago that I was hoping would turn into a dream premonition, but it didn’t. I dreamt that I got 2 or 3 manila envelopes with stuff from her fan club. What it was beats me.

Guess I better get my ass in gear with the drawing. I’ve had a slow spell here and I’ve got to work on those envelopes for Tom as well as stuff in my sketchbook. Maybe I can do some envelopes, too, that’ll be going to my brother and my parents. I should do this in between copying journal drafts.

Andy’s still enjoying his imaginary tour with the Fireflies. He’s gone from California to Oregon and now he’s in Washington.

I should also do some cleaning around here, but I don’t know if I can convince my lazy ass to do any more than the dishes today, but oh well.

I know this is gonna sound very cold and selfish of me, but with the way his parents' illnesses and needs have put a hold on our lives, I sometimes wish they were either younger, out of state, or dead. Maybe that way we could get more done around here and maybe then Tom would at least try occasionally to let himself let go and cum and maybe he wouldn’t be so afraid of the idea of a kid, regardless of whether or not God will allow that. Then again, that may scare him more because if we needed financial help, his folks wouldn’t be around to help and my parents wouldn’t give us a dime. If it weren’t for them loaning us that money to turn the electricity back on, who knows what we’d have done? I’m forever grateful to them for this.

Later…

Tom went to see his dad again and reports no improvement. The lung is still shut tight. Tomorrow we’re gonna go pick Mom up, then go see him at the hospital. Then Tom will bring me home and go back over there to do yard work.

I asked if he’d go down on me. It’s been so long! He agreed, but his tone and expression were as if to say it was a chore he didn’t really feel like doing. And, of course, the ball game comes before I do.

He also says he’s got a secret that I’ll know about by September 1st. He won’t say anything about it, other than that it’s got nothing to do with my family. He’s either just playing with me or it’s something stupid. If it’s not something stupid, it’s got to have something to do with work or money or someplace we might go. I wish it was that he’d come out and say, “I just wanted to wait till now to start working on the kid. I didn’t ever have a problem and it’s not that I never really wanted one either. Look. I can cum. I’ll show you.” I know that’s pure fantasy, though. I really hope he’s not playing with me. That wouldn’t be a funny way to joke with me after I’ve been feeling empty and other negative feelings for so long. I mean, when he says a lot is gonna happen between now and September 1st, it really irks me. We’ll be right where we are now by September 1st, and if we’re not, God will have hit us with a new problem. I hate phonies and liars. Especially when they joke and play with your emotions. A joke like the one he said earlier is different.

I told him that my hair is much heavier when it’s straightened, compared to when I leave it curly. He said we’ll just have to get some helium balloons to take the weight off of it, so I can have it straight without it being so heavy. When I pull my hair straight, it’s to the crack of my ass easily. With my head slightly tipped back, it’s about to the middle of my ass. It’s really moving.

I’m happy to say that the kids were quiet today. That’s fine with me, but I’ll bet they’ll be at it when Tom and I are trying to have a fun, yet peaceful swim during the weekend.

It’s Friday night, so the pigs are swarming around in their helicopters like hell. Sounds like they’re circling near here. Probably someone running from a bar brawl or maybe a car chase.

Kim said something funny to me the other day. She says she tells people, “I’m an RN. A registered nut.”

Laura’s turning out to be a good roommate for Andy, which is nice. It works out well since she’s hardly ever home. She’s out tweaking herself and how these people get the money for shit like this, I don’t know. Andy made a deal with Laura so he wouldn’t have to get mad and bitch her out for not doing her share of the chores (roommates seem to hate doing chores! I should remember that). He said that if she paid him $30 more bucks a month, he’d do all the cleaning and she agreed. He’s more into cleaning now. Especially since he’s got a house.

Later…

Tom just went to get me some cranberry juice for that obnoxious pain I’ve had in my lower right gut since 1992. Cranberry juice helps it. I’m sure it’s gas and I hope to hell I don’t have a UT infection. I asked Tom for cranberry juice 3 or 4 days ago and it’s not like him to keep forgetting. He’s always jumped to do anything I need that’s non-sexually related. Of course, I still wish he’d take care of me sexually right when I need it, but first, he had to watch an hour and a half of TV. “Can’t I have a life?” he asked me.

Sure. But I’d like to come before his other life.

If I’m not asleep between 11:00 and midnight, I’ll have to ask myself if I want to try the Melatonin again and not give up when I should, or if I want to just say fuck it and fall asleep whenever I fall asleep.

I got one more hint about the secret (if he really has a secret). I asked him when I’d find out what it was and he said there was no set time. It still seems logical that he’s playing with me and if so, why oh why must this man play with me like I’m someone’s old Barbie doll? If he has a secret, maybe it’s got something to do with our anniversary. God! I’m about to be married for two years. Except for the baby bullshit, it’s been great. I am really truly blessed and I know most people would kill to be in my shoes.

If the cranberry juice helps, and I believe it has helped in the past, I should keep it around at all times, so that I don’t have to suffer when I get feeling this way. The Gas-X doesn’t really help that much and who knows why the cranberry juice helps. Must be something about the way it mixes with the gases.

The monitor looks so shitty. The colors are all screwy and it’s way too big for the screen. I really hope Tom can get a monitor from Eldon soon enough. Even Tom says he misses using a normal monitor and almost has come to like his black and white one better, rather than having to deal with stripes and blotches of color that shouldn’t be there.

I wonder if next door is gonna take off for the weekend as they have for the past two weekends. A dark-colored car has been parked in the same exact spot deep in the carport for about a week now, even when they’re not home. How do I know it’s there even when no one’s home? Oh, I guess I just sense it. I hear no one coming and going and no sounds at all. When they’re here, I can at least hear them coming and going.

Anyway, I guess we’re gonna leave here tomorrow morning around 8:00 and we’ll probably get back either around late morning or around noon. Then he’s gonna go back out to do their lawn. Then he’ll come home and eat and then we’ll go swimming. If we screw or do anything, let me guess, it’ll happen no earlier than 7:30. Well, if I’m that horny and can’t wait on him, I can at least always take care of myself. Without that, I’d have a real problem, I guess.

What is taking him so long? How crowded can the grocery store be now? Then again, in Phoenix on a Friday night - I’m sure it’s busy enough.

I haven’t been playing Crazy 8’s on the computer too much lately. I don’t like the way it plays for points and how it passes when the deck runs out. Why can’t it reshuffle the deck just like you do when you play with a regular deck of cards?

He should be back any minute, so bye for now!

Later…

Tom returned with the juice. I drank a glass and already I feel so much better. But is it the juice or the Ibuprofen I took about 20 minutes ago? Time will tell.

He doesn’t want me going tomorrow, cuz he doesn’t want me getting sick at the hospital or something like that. He said his parents need him too much to have to take care of me for being sick. He said I need to sleep and take care of myself. I’m so fucking pissed, though, cuz I really wanted to go. Also, there goes our fun weekend and Tom will certainly use this as the perfect excuse to not touch me.

Thanks, God. Thanks, a real fucking lot!