I wish they would just shut the fuck up two yards down! I’m gonna be in for a hell of a winter. I can see that now. Why oh why did they have to move them out back to play? Won’t they just go back out front?! Well, God’s got to give me this in exchange for next door’s quietness. Noise from two houses away is better than from one house away.

Andy left a very nice message this morning wishing Tom’s dad better.

I also spoke to my folks. Ma sounded her usual crabby self and we didn’t talk long. I told Dad I was sorry I wasn’t there to help fit all those candles on the cake and he said it was too late cuz the cake melted, anyway.

Later…

Hey, a mouse just ran under the door to the garage while I was sitting there feeding the birds!

I just talked to Kim and Andy. Kim didn’t have much to say, other than she’s still swamped with doctor’s appointments and wishes I’d move back there so we could swap lives again. When I lived there, of course, she never had any problems, while my asthma, colds, and flues were driving me batty.

Then I talked to Andy who’s harder to talk to. Not cuz he can’t deal with me, but cuz I can’t get a word in edgewise when he talks these days.

The kids have been quiet since their 9:00 screaming match, so that’s nice.

The bee thing really is a bust as I figured, since I really wanted it to work out. I went to trim the hedges with it, but yellow jackets still came around. Just like with in the pool. I thought about trying to conquer my fears of bees, but that’s easier said than done, cuz of the way they’re so stupid and brave and fly right at you. Bees are like moths that fly in your face and fly into your arms and all over you and even land on you and sit there. If bees would just go get their drinks, be terrified of going anywhere near people, and then just leave, maybe I could deal with them but they’re not like that. If I were in the pool and stood still, they’d fly all around my head, then no doubt land on me and sit there for God knows how long.

Tammy won another award at school for getting good grades. They gave her a certificate for dinner for two. I feel like everyone else in the world is succeeding, but us and his parents.

Andy can really relate to some of the things I’ve said. He feels the same way I do as far as other people always seeming to manage to pull themselves out of their ruts and get what they want in the long run. Or happily settle.

The first two years of my being here sure were different than the last two years of my being here. I feel like in the last two years I’ve accomplished nothing, but little stuff. The first two years were full of wonderful changes and surprises. I danced, I met and married Tom, I was reunited with my brother after 8 years, I got off the Theo, I got off disability, I had my ear done, went to Vegas, etc.

This morning Tom told me that I’ve matured so much by not being as selfish. Like that’ll get me anywhere, whether I have or haven’t? He says I’m a great wife and person with the potential to be a good mother. I don’t always feel like a great wife or person, even though I know I’m not a bad wife or person and it doesn’t matter whether I have the potential to be a good mother when there’ll be no kid.

Andy said a therapist or doctor can fix Tom with whichever one of the two problems Tom could have, but I disagree. If he’s lying, a therapist can’t make him tell the truth and if it’s physical, they can’t cure it. Andy said that maybe God wants us to go through some experience together where we have to work things out and deal with whatever his case may be. I doubt it. I don’t think it’s a case of having to be tested, struggle, suffer, and go through fixing and dealing with all kinds of shit before I can have this. I think it’s what I’ve always thought it is. God’s got his mind made up and nothing we do, say, believe, think, feel, or want will change that. God can only test someone for so long. Then it becomes obvious one’s fighting a losing battle and that there is no test involved.

I used to think that homeless people were all druggies and alcoholics that asked for it, but I was almost homeless in the past and I wasn’t a druggie or an alcoholic and I didn’t ask for it. Also, I used to think a loser was someone who didn’t care or want to try for any goals or dreams and who put no effort into achieving anything. So my point is that I feel like a loser by force. I feel like the more I care, want, or try for something, the more God’s gonna see to it that I don’t succeed.

I’m in a weird position too, cuz at the same time I feel like I’m stuck at a standstill and I don’t want to always be a miserable failure, I’m afraid to succeed for fear that my success won’t last very long. I find myself saying to myself, “What’s the point of moving to a bigger more modern house when someone could just come by and burn the place down?” and “What’s the point of getting pregnant when I’d just have a miscarriage?”

Tuesday night when Tom’s dad had that procedure done on his lungs, he was put in intensive care after surgery. Tom was asking me what my vibes were, and I told him he’d be out of there soon and home Friday. Well, he was out of intensive care and put into a regular room as of yesterday, and for his sake, I hope I’m right about him coming home tomorrow.