Well, I’ve been here 4 years today and on this 4th anniversary of being here in Arizona, I must say that yesterday turned out to be a very shitty day. Shortly after the last time I wrote, the freeloaders ended up having a hell of a party for at least 8 hours and there were at least 5 adults and 2 kids. I didn’t hear much in the way of music, but they were screaming at the top of their lungs and bouncing balls on and off like you wouldn’t believe. They were all along the wall that divides our houses. They were in the back, they were at the side, they were in front.

They had their lawn done around 1 something, then started partying around 2:00 or 3:00. We went to bed around 10:00 and they were still partying.

Tom thinks that on weekends they go to play basketball at some gym, and then they go to one of their houses. He also thinks that yesterday was a special occasion, like someone’s birthday or anniversary. It looks like they got a grill now, too, and how the hell they could stand this heat, beats me.

This is the second time in only 3 months that there was an outburst over there and it better not get more frequent or I’ll go over there and set them straight so fucking fast that they won’t even know what hit them. If they want to party and make noise, fine, but it’s not gonna come into this household in any way shape or form.

When we went out to swim, Tom said not to antagonize them by screaming back. But what gives them the right to antagonize me? Anyway, this morning I said to myself, fuck the wanting to listen to music or sing in privacy and I blasted my music for a good 20 minutes to a half-hour like I usually do once or twice a day, depending on my schedule. The only time I won’t make any noise is at night cuz they don’t. Meanwhile, I don’t owe them nothing. Between them and O.J. Simpson, I’m starting to not be very fond of blacks, even though I know there are plenty of good ones as well as bad just like with whites and everyone else. Why do blacks always have to be so loud and obnoxious? I mean, even the adults were carrying on like they were flying on drugs or something. They want to be accepted into society, but then they carry on like animals. Any type of person who wants to be accepted in this world, shouldn’t act like wild assholes unless they don’t give a shit, and obviously, they don’t. They’re just like everyone else who’s self-centered and who just doesn’t give a damn about those around them. They couldn’t just say to themselves, “OK, we’ll be friendly and considerate neighbors since those around us were here first. Keeping our noise for our ears only isn’t too much to ask for.”

Tom says that he’s sure it’ll be a very rare thing with them cuz if they liked company so much, they’d have had more parties. Maybe they didn’t have time for parties before, but, I’m not gonna give them a choice, but to shut up should they turn into neighbors like that butch was at the Vista Ventana. She started off quiet, only to raise holy hell a few months later. Well, not these people! My days of dealing with other people’s noise are over unless it is infrequent, and we’ll see about that. So far, I haven’t heard them, but it’s still early. Tom says that if they were to make this a constant habit, the people next to them on the other side would complain cuz they have small children, and no one wants to deal with a kid who hasn’t had their sleep (they’re lucky we don’t have a baby!). Anyway, there’s no way in hell they’d complain cuz they didn’t when that band used to play 2 or 3 times a week across the street. Also, if they can deal with their kids screaming and those dogs barking at all hours and sleep through that, then they weren’t the least bit bothered by the freeloader’s antics yesterday.

Just when I thought I couldn’t be more convinced that Robin’s a liar and that God hates me, well, I am. Barely halfway through their little fiesta next door, Robin came to me and told me that it’d be a very uncommon occurrence, it’d be over in about an hour, and that I’ll still be pregnant by September 1st for sure.

As far as God goes, well, I swear that he goes and does the opposite of what I pray for. That doesn’t mean that he’ll allow me a kid if I were to pray for him to prevent that, but I prayed for him to at least simmer them down next door, but then it got worse. Dad gets worse every time I pray for him and if I pray for anything positive to happen in the way of sex, there’s always a problem or a fight about it.

Speaking of sex, true to what I figured he’d do, he laid down in bed with me, making me think we’d screw, but he wasn’t in the mood. How convenient. Then he contradicts himself and says that I behave not too coolly when I’m mid-cycle and that if I did, we’d have sex more often and when I was mid-cycle. Then why did he accept my apology for saying those things I never meant to say and say it was over with and that we could move on? And he says he’s not punishing me for talking about a subject that turns him off? Could’ve fooled me. How can he say I can’t control him and that I’m not to blame? He does let what I say control him and he does blame me. It’s my fault if I mention being mid-cycle or having a kid, cuz it turns him off and he blames me for this. I’m so sick of all these things I have to do to get sex more often and I’m so sick of these things I have to do that he says will make him cum. It’s all just fucking bullshit! All he wants to do is avoid me during mid-cycle, cuz he doesn’t want to take the one in billions of chances there are in getting me pregnant, cuz he doesn’t want a kid, tease me about it, say I don’t control his thoughts or feelings and that I’m not to blame, while he then says or implies otherwise, make up these bullshit things that’ll help him while he laughs when they don’t cuz he knows they won’t, loves to see me feel like a failure who’s not good enough sexually, then gets all turned off while making me feel like I have to “earn” sex from him while other things are way more important to him. I’ve never met anyone like him who’s so scared of sex and a kid and who’s so contradicting, confused, cruel, a liar, and such a tease.

Later…

We screwed around an hour ago and it was pretty predictable. He started off in our sideways position for way longer than I would’ve liked (yeah, he’s way eager to do missionary position and get in shape for it and make this kid). Then he went on top and what happened about 5 minutes later? The daily excuse. This time it was that we couldn’t screw on the bed sideways cuz his arms and feet were hanging off the bed. Well, if I really was that horny and wanted to get off that bad, I’d just deal with it.

I feel the same way about him as I feel about myself. Different is good and OK, but must we both be so different? It’s the same old shit. Something I said, he’s tired, he’s sore, he’s sick, he’s busy. I know I may sound selfish saying this now cuz of his dad, but it’s been this way always.

He told me that he dreams of solutions to problems in his sleep. Stuff like computer problems and other problems. I asked if he ever dreamt about solutions to our sex life in his sleep and he said there’s nothing broken between us. True. Unless I’m broke cuz of the DES, any guy who refuses to cum, isn’t broke. Not physically, anyway. I just can’t believe, after all, that he’s got a type of impotence like Tammy said. He’s not as insensitive as Bill is. Meaning, he cries if he needs to, so if he had a physical problem, he wouldn’t be afraid to go to a doctor. At least, I don’t think he would be.

Tom said this morning that he thought there was a chance that the pain I’ve been having in my lower right gut is a pulled muscle. I don’t know. I keep going back and forth from thinking I could have an infection, to it being gas and then to his idea. He told me that around 1973 or 1974, he had the same problem in one of the lower sides of his gut that he thinks was a pulled, weak, or hurt muscle till around 1977. He said that when he was in the Air Force, they made him exercise every day and it seemed to strengthen it. Yeah, I know I should push myself to do more exercises more often, but it’s so very hard.

We went swimming earlier and it was great and lots of fun. There were a few bees Tom had to protect me from and scare off, but there were no dogs, kids, or freeloaders. The birds were out and about, of course, and they’d still get their drinks from the pool. What Tom said was true. What more could the birds want when they’ve got food and drinks here as well as attention? This is the perfect home for them. They let me pat them here and there nowadays and they have no patience when I go to feed them. I lift the cover up and stick my arm in the bucket to reach for some seed and they jump on the cover before I pull my arm back out. In the pool, Tom was asking me why this certain one’s tail was shaking like a leaf. I said they do that sometimes, but that maybe Nervous was reincarnated into that bird, and that that was why it was so shaky and appeared to be a bundle of nerves.

Andy left a message saying Linda’s got a new album out now called Dedicated to the One I Love. Andy says she’s holding the baby she adopted on the cover of it. I didn’t know she adopted another kid. I thought she adopted one that’d be between 10-15 now. Anyway, the review of it was shitty. They describe it as a boring album that’ll put you to sleep. Yeah, I believe that these days.

I haven’t been to the library lately, and I just can’t get into these romance novels. I want to find a good haunting book like John Saul’s to sink into. I don’t know, though, if we’ll have time for quite a while to go to the library.

Tom went to the hospital again to see his dad. He left this morning at around 9:00 and he took off just over an hour ago. I hope that Dad’s condition will improve since I haven’t been asking God to help him.

Tom said his mom was shocked that during our visit yesterday I said I thought God hated me. The subject came up and she asked me. Not directly, but close enough. I had no idea she was telling Tom and others what I was saying to her and now I’ve got to watch out and clam up. I didn’t think she was the kind and she’s so accepting of me and all kinds of people, be it Mexicans, Jews, gays, hyper people, etc. She’s obviously not saying, “Oh, we talked about this and that.” She’s reciting everything I say in complete detail!

Later, I’ve got two movies taped that I may check out. Or parts of them, anyway. I checked the TV guide up to 11:00 so far and there doesn’t seem to be anything too exciting on, so I’ll be doing puzzles or something else tonight if I don’t get tied up with whatever else.

Also, if Tom isn’t playing a joke on me, there are words that I’ve added to the computer dictionary that have been there a while that seem to magically fall out of the dictionary and I have to re-add them.