I heard just what I needed to hear on TV just now. A judge in Florida gave a man who murdered his former wife custody of the kid he had with his second wife, even though he was a murderer, and not to his wife cuz she was a lesbian. So, in other words, you can have your kid if you kill, but not if you sleep with the same sex. Gays and lesbians are of no more harm to their kids than straights are. Not as long as you keep bedroom stuff in the bedroom and don’t do anything more than kiss or hold hands, whether you’re gay or straight. That judge should’ve been fired, the murderer should’ve been executed and the lesbian should have her kid. And what makes the case sicker is knowing that God helped see to it that this murderer got the kid and that the lesbian didn’t.

Yesterday I really blew up at Tom following the fact that he spent nearly 6 hours at Eldon’s and we didn’t even get the monitor he said he’d let us use. Then he spent 4 or 5 more hours on the phone with Wendy answering her computer questions. By the time he wanted us to “get close,” I was beat and had to go to bed.

He said he was sorry we didn’t get time together, but I told him, “Hey. You chose Eldon and Wendy over me.” Then I lost it. For once, though, he really seemed sympathetic and understanding and sorry, rather than irritated and he didn’t turn it on me. Still, even though I lost it and had to get it out, nothing’s ever gonna change. He’s got his priorities and goals made up in his mind. I told him, though, I’m tired of coming last. If someone wants something from him, no problem. Meanwhile, he won’t give the child to his wife that he promised we could have. I’m just so sick of other people’s needs coming first and the TV and the computer coming first. He keeps his word to his fucking friends and family, but not to his own fucking wife. Well, doing for others is great and I don’t want him to stop that, I just want him to put me first and to put his actions where his mouth is and follow through on the promises he makes to me. Other people’s needs come right away, but I was told I had to wait to see a doctor with him back when I wanted to go and I had to suffer in the meantime. He’s lucky I love him as much as I do. Most other women would’ve said, “Fine, you can do for others, but I have needs too, and I need to go to a doctor and get our sex lives straightened out if possible and I need us to do what we can to get help having this kid we said we wanted. Our needs should be first. I shouldn’t have to sit and suffer and worry about it while you falsely promise me you’ll be cumming soon and that I’ll be pregnant soon and that nothing’s broken between us.”

Then he said “I’m sorry. You were neglected today and I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re so angry and I’m trying the best I can to get you pregnant. I want a kid more than you know, but I can’t get you pregnant tonight.”

No, he couldn’t have gotten get me pregnant last night, but he’s had a couple of years in which he could’ve if we’re both physically okay and he hasn’t. Why can’t he just either admit he never wanted a kid or get help a long time ago?

I told him I just can’t trust him with a lot of things. Not all things, but a lot of things. If you can lie about a kid, you can lie about anything. I’m sick of the fact that it seems that the only way I can get attention is if I’m having a crisis or if I literally cry out to him. I wish I could come first and in between his parents, Wendy, Eldon, the TV, the computer, and not last.

I told him I know I’m not perfect and I was sorry if I sounded selfish and spoiled, but this is how I honestly feel and I just had to tell him, even though it’d never do a damn bit of good.

I really should spend more time being busy or with Andy and break my words and promises to him so he can see what it’s like, but I just can’t do that without feeling guilty. Not if I can help it, anyway. I did so, though, this morning, but not intentionally. He told me last night he wanted sex this morning, but I overslept. Do I feel guilty? No. Did he seem bummed about it? No. He says he’s psyched at the idea of seeing me tonight, though.

Yes, Tom is a very busy person, but he needs to balance things better. If he spent less time on the phone or at other people’s houses or with the TV and the computer, then maybe we could do more together. And he wouldn’t have to cut out other stuff that much to make sufficient time for us, either.

Another thing I’m so fucking sick and tired of is his goddamn contradictions. A long time ago I had asked him how he’d feel if it were me that never came and he said he wouldn’t feel bad at all and he’d just see it as how I was and let me be me. I asked him again the other night and he said he didn’t know how he’d feel cuz he can’t imagine how he’d feel in a pretend situation. Now, this isn’t someone’s feelings or opinions changing with time. This is a contradiction.

We do have some good times where we laugh, joke, tease each other, and just have fun, but it just doesn’t seem like enough times, though. The times we spend together seem so rare and so short.

Now I really get how frustrated Brenda and Kacey were with me since I had a lower appetite than they had.

Yesterday wasn’t made any better by the fact that I accidentally dropped one of my doggie mugs. I figured there’d be a casualty sooner or later, but at least it was the Cocker Spaniel which is my least favorite. So now I only have 5 left and hopefully, I can get a Husky or a German Shepherd soon enough.

Tom “says” that he wants to get the 3 rolls of film we’ve got shot up developed with his birthday money, but we’ll see. That’d be nice since they’ve been ready for development for quite a while. We just didn’t have the money for that these last several months. I can’t wait to check out the bird pictures, as well as other stuff. I took a few new pictures of them with a new roll I just loaded in. I got some of them on my hands and arms and one of them at the edge of the pool while I was in it.

AOL has a classified section now, which we’re both gonna check out.

I’m still contemplating getting a hysterectomy, so as not to have to deal with periods and Tom’s teasing me about having a kid. If I were smart, I’d have gotten one done long ago since a kid really isn’t destined with or without Tom. Reminding myself of that helps ease some of the anger I have toward Tom. It’s just the principle of the point. You don’t lie to someone and play with their heads about something that you know means a lot to them.

Not a peep out of next door all weekend. The only time they were heard was in the music room, said Tom, when they were barbecuing. Then they went in and ate and shut up. There were two Blazers there yesterday, but when I got up at 6:00 this morning there wasn’t one vehicle there.

I dread next weekend, cuz if there is a pattern, this will be the weekend they’ll freak out. Every 3 weekends, they’ll probably go wild. Tom said we’ll be busy together, though. We’ll see about that. But busy or not, I don’t want to hear their shit.

Tom explained to me more about what he has in mind to do with the envelopes I’m making up for him (I have 5 left!). He says he wants to open them up from where they’re glued and spread them out into a sheet of paper. Then he wants to film them on the computer with the camcorder. Then he wants to print them out and fold them into envelopes. That way we can make copies of however many we want of certain drawings to use to make envelopes out of. That ought to be neat and if works out really well, I’ll probably do more drawings for envelopes. Also, we still have to back up my directory and scan in my newer drawings. Yesterday I did an envelope that he and I both were quite impressed with. I drew frames and did different flower scenes in them. Yes, flowers are certainly my best. Wish it were people, though.

Later…

I just got done giving Tom a hard-on. It’s his favorite time for that anyway, and then he went to bed. Right now I’m sure he’s finishing the job.

He came home in a great mood. Maybe he feels guilty. He said that be it sexually or not, he’ll not evolve if he doesn’t want to and then he sometimes will when he doesn’t want to. Oh, so I guess that was an admission of the fact that he hasn’t wanted to evolve. I reminded him that he’s him and I’m me and that’s not gonna change. We’ll see, he said. We already have seen. At least I have, anyway.

Earlier, we played cards and he helped me go through the steps of backing up my directory. He also deleted a word I accidentally added to the dictionary.

I’m getting kind of tired now, so I think I’m gonna try to go to bed now. If not, maybe I’ll write more later, or read or do something.