Yesterday Tom noticed a car next door that he’s never seen before, but they were quiet. I get more nervous as the weekend approaches, though.

No new news with his dad. He’s still the same.

I was telling Tammy about it yesterday and she asked how Tom was dealing with it and if I’ve talked to Mom and Dad. She said something about mentioning it to Mom and Dad, but I don’t need them. My husband needs me. Besides, what can they do? I’m not gonna call them when there ain’t shit they can do for us and I’m gonna be bitched out for calling twice a month. I’m feeling less and less like writing to them as much or even talking to them. I guess it’s just that I haven’t seen much of them since I was 15 and they’re not necessarily my type of people to know or to chat with.

Andy left a message saying I just had to hear his outgoing messages. He starts off saying, “We silly people can’t come to the phone now, so leave a message,” then there was me laughing from the edits. If Judy calls and leaves a message, she may be confused when she hears me and think that the “we” living there is Andy and I and not Andy and Laura.

Yesterday I drew that postcard my mother had sent with the cat on the piano reading music. The cat came out great, but the piano keys were a little peculiar. I didn’t feel like copying all that music, so I stuck a fishbowl in place of it.

Later…

I was watching Little House. This episode was all about broken promises and how the more someone loves you, the less they’re able to keep their promises cuz they want to promise you things that’ll make you happy. Well, Tom really does love me very much.

Last night he said we could move if we really had to and that we would find ways to move if we had to. How, though? The only way I can think of that would enable us to move would be if one of our parents gave us the money.

He said last night he wants a 7-bedroom house. That way we can have a work computer room, a play computer room, an electronics room, music room, a journal room, our room, then the nursery.

Why does he still joke about something that once meant so much to me? I guess he really does want to say things that make me happy and I’m sure that even when I’m 50 or 60, he’ll still be telling me we’re gonna have a kid. The thing that amazes me is how he still says it as if I’ll believe him and not know better. Another thing is, how he says he’s 100% sure we’ll have a kid with such certainty and confidence. Like I said, though, I don’t think I’ll ever know if he’s a great actor when he says this, a total liar, or if he has a problem he thinks will cure itself, or if he has a problem he’s in denial about, or if he plain old just thinks he wants a kid and doesn’t know that his subconscious is saying, “No! I don’t want a kid and I’m too scared to have one.”

There’s still a chance that he could’ve had a time frame in mind all along as to when he’d let himself start cumming, due to his matter-of-fact, certain, and confident way he says we’ll be having a kid, but like I said, I’ll probably never know for sure what his true reasons were for us never having a kid and I doubt it’s the last theory I wrote just now.

Still, to a DES person, the truth will never matter, except to settle my curiosity. I think both God and Tom, though, like the idea of me having to wonder about something. I’m also on my way to being an atheist, too, since any time I’ve really ever prayed didn’t help. It was like I might as well have just been talking to a wall. With all the sick and unfair things on top of that which happen in this world, it’s nearly impossible to believe in God at all, let alone have faith in him.

Later…

I couldn’t bring my lazy ass to draw or clean today, but I did other things. I sang, typed up more of Andy’s journal after writing in it, and did a few other things.

I’m still determined to get a job, if I can’t get some nice career ever, once Tom has the time to take me places.

Tom mentioned taking a sick day at the end of the week to catch up on his sleep. I’ve been encouraging him to use them, instead of pretending we’re gonna have a kid and need them for that. I think sometimes he gets reality and fantasy confused.

There are a couple of things I don’t get. First of all, for the last two days my stomach’s been better, so who knows for sure what it was. If it’s a pulled or torn muscle, though, wouldn’t having a kid make it worse, or create more torn and pulled muscles for a person? I wonder if my stomach pain could’ve been ovulation due to the times I felt it and Tom said he’s heard some women can feel it. But that strongly? And why only since 1992 and not when I first got my periods? And why the bulge in that area?

There’s something else I don’t get about that contradicting husband of mine who says it’s not my fault that he doesn’t cum, then who goes and tells me all the reasons and things I do that turn him off from cumming. He claims he’s got a mind of his own and that other people don’t and can’t control or influence his actions, so then why does he say we’d have sex more often if I had better behavior during mid-cycle? Why does he let what I say or do influence him if he really wants sex? No doubt he’s using me as an excuse for his own fears.

Anyway, I’m so bored right now and I really need a job. Since I can’t have one right now, I’ll have to try to get myself into doing something around here. I wish Tom were home. I also wish I could get him to tell me what this big secret is or that there never was a secret and that it was just another one of his games.

I should really enjoy these quiet, peaceful, moments full of freedom. You see, I know that if we had had a kid, I’d be longing for these days of freedom back and wishing I could trade the hectic craziness for being bored and having my husband all to myself. I know I don’t always get to see him as much as I’d like to, but with a kid, it’d be much worse. As soon as we’d find time together, the kid would either cry or come barging in on us with something it needed.

Later…

I’m still so fucking bored! Tom should be here any minute. He called from his parents’ house and they said there was a chance Dad would be going home tomorrow.

Later…

Tom’s home now and the only really good news is that our financial problems will be over with eventually. Dad’s leaving each of the kids at least $5,000 when he goes.

As far as dad, who knows? We all only hope he doesn’t suffer when he goes.