I finally got an email from Tammy this morning. It’s about time she was online. As usual, though, she didn’t answer half my questions and she didn’t tell me how many messages there were from me. I hope they all got to her. She says to send $35 towards Ma’s ring whenever we can.

Got a letter from Bob the other day who says my letters are weird and he still cannot comprehend them.

Gee! I wonder why?

They have a new classified section on AOL. I saw people leaving ads for artwork they wanted as well as for artwork they wanted to do. I’d like to leave a few messages of my own. Meanwhile, I’m sure Tom will enjoy checking it out to see if he can find a job for him that hopefully is with computers. I intend to find a job somehow and somewhere. I made it clear to Tom that my days of sitting around while he makes false promises to me are over. I’m gonna get a real life and stop dwelling on dreams that died or dreams that could never come alive and true.

I made it clear to him how mad I was over the fact that he sometimes helps others before me and how he always seems to keep his word to others, but not always to his wife. Especially with things that really matter to me. I told him I thought it was rather sad that he’d jump to help me if there was something physically wrong with me, but no, we can’t go to a doctor to get our sex lives straightened out and to see about what to do about having a kid. Instead, I have to sit and suffer on and off while he tells me nothing’s broken.

He explained something to me about the missionary position. It made sense, but at the same time, I don’t buy it. It’s just another excuse as far as I’m concerned. He said that we have to get used to a missionary position and adapt to it. He says he’s still paranoid about putting too much weight on me and he needs time to get comfortable with this position. He’s been comfortable with other positions and he should be comfortable enough with this one to get off. It’s just one excuse after another with him. He’d just rather fix other people’s cars and computers and see me go through what I’ve been going through and take care of my health rather than get me pregnant. It’s just easier for some people to bullshit people than face and tell the truth.

I was thinking of doing an art project for me. Doing art for others is great and I love doing that, but I thought it was time I did something for me. So I took the last handful of journals and checked their inner covers. If there’s room enough, I may do drawings on them.

Now I must go get cracking on the rest of his envelopes.

Later…

I finished the envelopes. Nice to have that out of the way, even though I enjoyed it. I don’t enjoy how sore my back gets after a while, though.

Andy left a message saying tonight’s a good night for him to pick me up after work to work on the cat, but I’ll be on my way to bed at that time. Since he has the next two days off, though, I’ll hopefully be able to get over there after he gets up to work on it then.

Later…

I just remembered something. I asked Tom the other day how he’d feel if I were pregnant. Now, I don’t buy this, but he said, happy, excited, and anxious, and that he’d be looking forward to it. Then remember how I said I asked him how he’d feel if it were me who never came? Well, if he can’t answer pretend questions and questions about situations he’s never been in before, then how come he could tell me how he’d feel if I were pregnant? He had no problem many months ago telling me he’d be fine with it if I didn’t cum.

I just don’t know how I’m ever gonna be able to turn this anger I have towards him and the depression I still have here and there about not having a kid into something positive. Just when I think I’m over it and am moving on, I’m stuck in the same old shit as far as my emotions go. I try to tell myself not to be angry at him, cuz God would never allow me a child anyway. And cuz of all the good he has in him and cuz of all the horrible things that come out of having a kid. I’ll do anything to forget about having a baby. Anything to get him to stop teasing me and lying to me about it. Anything to kick this issue out of my life, for once and for all.

Why does God hate me so much? Why does he want me to have all this time on my hands? Why does he not want a purpose and a destiny for me? I can’t have a career, I can’t be a mother, I can’t be anything? I’ve tried for these things and I just don’t know why God won’t help me. If he won’t help me achieve these things, why won’t he help me forget about a kid and help me settle for something else? Guess I am settling, though, since I’ll never be able to do the things I really want to do. I just don’t understand why God wants to punish me so much. How many more years am I gonna have to feel the way I do?