I begin writing this with one of my birds watching me through the window. It’s so windy out there today and I hope that nest holds up OK. So far, so good.

I might not have time to get into why I got to thinking last night and ended up furious at my parents, but I will soon enough.

I talked to Andy a short while ago and he said I might be able to get that song Dreams to Dream by Linda from a station called K-LITE. I’ll go try soon.

Tonight Andy and I will be calling this live message and chat line to play with horny men’s minds and we might even send them next door here. That ought to surprise those freeloaders.

Speaking of those freeloaders, yesterday at around 7:30, there were 2 or 3 cars there and I heard ball-bouncing start up. I also saw 3 freeloaders chatting out back. I said to myself, oh shit, they’re gonna party till 10:00 or later. But they didn’t chat long and remained quiet. The ball bouncing didn’t last long at all either. They just better stay quiet this weekend!

I have to see Dr. Nielson today and I’m sure all will be OK with that. Hopefully, we’ll be in and out of there and the waiting room won’t be rowdy. It usually isn’t rowdy.

Tom’s taking sick days off today and tomorrow as he is emotionally and physically exhausted. He’s over fixing Mary’s car right now which is very kind and generous of him, but I hope he’ll take care of himself more and not worry so much about other people’s needs.

Got an anniversary card today from my parents with $35 of cash in it. That’s what Tammy said she and Bill got for their anniversary, too.

Later…

Just came back from seeing Dr. Nielsen. All’s fine with the ear. He just cleaned out a few flakes of dead skin and some wax. I don’t have to see him till December 12th.

Tom spent the money we got for our anniversary that his parents sent on what he wanted, and we’ve agreed to spend the money from my parents on what I want. I wanted to stop at the art store so bad after Nielsen’s, but it was closed. So I guess we’ll go back tomorrow.

The reason why I got furious after thinking about what my dad said about my so-called down letters, which really is an exaggeration, was cuz of this. I told them the truth and if I can’t be myself and tell them what’s going on, good or bad, then maybe I shouldn’t be writing to them. They just don’t get it. People have their good times and their bad times and if they only want me to write what they want to hear, then I don’t want to write to them. They act like I shouldn’t be upset over the things that are going on. I’d have to be inhuman to not be upset over things that have been going on. Also, they just don’t realize that different people deal with different things differently and they get over different things at their own pace. Maybe they should look at me as a person, instead of their daughter and ask themselves what they see in me. Just someone who writes them "down" letters? Is that all I’ve been to them? Well, they’ve said 3 or 4 times that they were gonna come out here, I honestly can’t see why they haven’t been able to, therefore, I do doubt they love me or care that much for me or my letters and if that’s so, we shouldn’t contact one another.

Everything that’s gone on in life really makes me say, what the fuck? Fuck my dreams and fuck everything. All I care about is Tom. Meanwhile, I don’t want the kid anymore, I don’t want to go to college or work (although I know I’m gonna have to do something with my life), I don’t want to see my family. I just want to keep every day the same as it has been for the last two years. I’d rather be bored than filled with all kinds of hectic and stressful bullshit. I’ve always known what kids will do to people’s bodies, minds, wallets, and relationships, but as I see Tom less able to deal with things that bother me, I know that a kid will surely be the end-all of our marriage. All we’d do is fight like hell over stuff about it and our lives would be the most miserable and non-existent. Anyway, here I go worrying and bitching about something that could never happen, anyhow.

Last night I came into the bedroom to go to bed and I swear that he was already awake. He looked right at me and asked me what was wrong. Guess my fury showed. So I told him what I just wrote about my parents and all I got was, “I’m sorry you feel this way, I’m sure you have reasons to, but you seem even madder about it now, you’ll take it out on me, I don’t understand, etc.”

Gee, that made me really feel like talking to him. And why would I take it out on him? Also, he’s never met or known my parents and he never will, therefore, he couldn’t even understand and I should’ve just kept my mouth shut cuz I don’t think he wants to hear it or deal with it, no matter what’s going on in life.

Now, I know I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, but how do I get out of the appointment next year? I’m sure Tom will be a piece of cake to talk out of it, but the appointment wouldn’t change anything, so I shouldn’t worry. Anyway, I can’t believe he said I’d be spoiled for not having a kid with him. What a fucking joke! Like he’d have a kid with me?

The freeloaders are barbecuing now, and I expect that their company will be arriving soon enough.

Later…

Good news next door. I never heard anything and I guess it’s just one guy over there alone. I saw one guy out barbecuing and that was it. No music or balls or loud conversations. I still have a bad feeling about Saturday and I hope to hell I’m wrong!

After I came home, Tom left shortly after to go work on Mary’s car yet again. So far, he hasn’t had any luck with it. He says he doesn’t want to have to do anything on Saturday, but this I’ve got to see.

When we go to the art store, I’d like to get 2 or 3 journals and 3 different pens. I’ve mentioned those pens and what pen colors I want to get from there the last time I was there at that store. The last time I was there we didn’t have money for journals and I got that fucked up eraser and something else from there. Oh yeah, the stumps.

Well, I guess those freeloaders do have or just did get company. I just heard a kid that sounded about 4 years old. Shit! Damn! Fuck! They’re gonna fucking totally ruin the whole fucking weekend! I don’t know if I mentioned this here, but I told Tom that I think that the reason why they were hardly home and hardly had company is cuz they just now recently got all settled in and got it all decorated. Now, they feel more comfortable about having company over. Now they’re just like most people are out here and like dogs are out here. No people or dogs ever stay inside. They seem to live outside 24/7. I miss the days when they were hardly ever home, but I knew it was just a matter of time.