I wish to hell I was one of those who could write when I was mad, tired, sad, or whatever so that I could do so when my thoughts were still fresh in my head.

Kim called while I was asleep. She talked to Tom and told him she saw Gloria in Boston. It was at an outdoor place with other bands. Hope she liked her and I’ll be waiting to hear from her about that.

Yesterday when I checked my email, there was a message from the singer’s website containing info about performances and more. The note said, heard you like to sing, check this out, etc. This is why I thought it was someone who knows me and knows I sing and not randomly sent to me. Tom says it could’ve been randomly sent or maybe Alex or Tammy put my name on a mailing list. Alex confirmed that he didn’t send it like I thought he didn’t and there’s no way Tammy would send it. Who knows then? Anyway, Tom and I will check it out one of these years.

Tom says missionary position is the best and that there’s no comparison to how good that feels to the old position. I still feel he isn’t that eager to do it more or that he wants to do it for too long at a time. His parents are really bad off now and even if he really does want a kid, I think his subconscious isn’t gonna allow him to do anything about that now cuz of his parents, money, and all kinds of shit going on in life. If he doesn’t have a problem, then he still may not want a kid deep down in his subconscious and maybe he feels he’s protecting me. He knows how much I value my sleep, not being too fat, how sensitive I am, and more. And of course, there’s God too, and his plans for me which I still say are no plans.

I asked Tom why he implied he didn’t want a kid when we first met and what made him change his mind and be so sure he wants one now. He said that cuz he wasn’t really in a position to have one when we first met, it kind of turned him off of the idea, but now that he is, he’s into it. I wish I was like that. I wish I could say I didn’t like the idea of having a kid or a schedule or of quitting smoking since I can’t and or am not in a position to do so.

I also asked him, if he thought dancing was a loser job, then why did he get to know me? He said cuz I hadn’t been dancing for a year and that I seemed like I wanted something else. Something more.

Tammy called me a couple of days ago to tell me how proud she was of Lisa’s solo that she did in concert and that she’ll be sending us a video. I am very, very happy for Lisa, Tammy, and the rest of the family and very proud too, but this sparked all kinds of bad and unwanted emotions on my part and made me really bummed out for a while there. I was overrun with feelings of jealousy, depression, and just not being good enough. I haven’t had problems with feelings of jealousy or being self-conscious or worrying about what people think of me for a good 10 years now, but lately, these feelings have been apparent. I know it’s uncool to feel jealous and to worry about what others think of me as a person or what they think of things I do and that all that should matter is what my husband and I think, feel, or want. I found myself riddled with jealousy and wishing I could put all this time and energy I’ve got into having a kid, making a difference in its life, being proud of it, and wanting to show it off to others and tell all about things it can do. I hate God for taking this away from me.

Tammy didn’t say so, but knowing her, her tone said that I couldn’t sing well enough for anyone to give a shit or praise it in any way. Then, feelings about my family labeling me a nut, and stupid or not, came flying into my head left and right. I tried to tell myself not to feel jealous and that my family will never really give a shit about me or be proud of me. Also, they’re just too set in their ways to ever think I’m more than just a so-so singer even if I were suddenly a 10+. I know I’m not a great singer, but I still feel that they’ll never really give a damn about my singing, drawing, signing or anything else. All they really care about or want to hear about is stuff they can relate to themselves or just trivial stuff like the weather.

I know I shouldn’t give a shit what my family thinks and I know I shouldn’t be jealous of anyone, but it’s hard to help at times. I know we all have our bad times where we feel stuck in a rut and can’t get anything we want, but it seems that others always find a way out of their ruts and into their dreams or goals in the long run, whereas I stay right where I am. I know I’m blessed for being able to live here and for being married to Tom and that’s 1st best to me, but I know this is it. This is where the first bests stop and where the rest of my dreams and goals remain just that. Dreams, goals, fantasies, and desires, but never a reality.

I always said Tammy was a lousy mom and in a lot of ways I’d still say that, but I think it’s great that she’s proud of Lisa and that she’s encouraging her. Our mother never encouraged us whether we were good at something or not. I believe parents should encourage their kids to do stuff they like even if they aren’t good at it, cuz there’s always a chance, be it slim or great, that they’ll improve or even excel at something they weren’t very good at.

I tell myself I should be happy with what I do have, stop complaining, and stop being miserable so much, but in the end, the stubborn selfish person that I can be comes out crying all miserable over what she can’t have, do, or be like a spoiled rotten kid.

Later…

It’s gonna be a scorcher today. I’ve got the phone right next to me, so I’ll call for today’s high.

We just played Crazy 8’s on the computer in which I kicked his ass.

It’s currently 87º and the high will be 107º. It’s gonna be 108º on Monday and 110º on Tuesday. Why are they calling that unseasonably warm? It’s supposed to be this hot in June.

Before playing cards, we screwed. We began on our sideways one, as he led us to this position. He had a head start, meaning he was already hard to begin with and seemed close to cumming even as I warmed him up. So I thought to myself, shit. He’s so close that he may never go on top if I don’t ask him to.

So he went on top, but not for long. Afterward, he seemed bummed, even though he said he was just tired. However, I could swear his expression was saying, shit. I’m so much closer on top that I may lose it. Now I’ve got to worry about that which sucks.

Why don’t I just know with every ounce of my heart and mind that Tom won’t cum on top? Why don’t I feel he won’t? Because he won’t. No way in hell will he.

I sometimes do look ahead and ask myself where I think I’ll be in life in the fall, for example, but then I have to shake myself back to earth. I have to tell myself, come on now. You’ll be right where you are today and you know it.

Last night the cat/dog calendar in the living room fell apart, so I took apart the dog calendar in the kitchen too. Then I tore down those watercolor paintings I had in the living room and redecorated that area with them (dogs & cats) and the front door, too. I made a new calendar since 1996 isn’t over.

Later…

I was quite annoyed the other night. I was trying to draw a mouse from a design on a pad Kim sent and I just couldn’t do it. It was a simple little outline I was gonna shade and define and color in. I’ve done several others similar to this, but I just couldn’t cut it with this one. So I was telling Tom how I feel that the only thing I can always do is flowers. I wish I could do people, animals, and a wide variety of things whenever I choose to. He told me, though, that that’s normal and all artists have one thing they specialize in. Then he told me about a famous artist who painted the same mountain 175 times.

He also said something I disagree with about a totally different subject. He said if you do your best to achieve what you want, things are guaranteed to work out.

Yeah, right!