I felt better last night and this morning, so I did end up going to Ma’s, and then to see Dad at the hospital.

I fell asleep around midnight with no problems, then got up at 6:30. Of course, Tom was tired and didn’t even touch me. We left at 8:00 and went to Ma’s, but we didn’t go to the hospital till 10:00.

When we got there, we ended up cleaning and doing car work. Mom and Dad have two cars and Tom was gonna take one to get a part he needed for one of their hoses. It’s called a splitter. Anyway, when we went to leave, the car wouldn’t start. There was corrosion on the battery. So we put baking soda on it, wet it down and it bubbled away the corrosion. Then the battery died, so we had to jump-start it. Then there was something wrong with the gear. It would not shift, so Tom took care of that.

Then he took off for the hardware store while I dusted and Ma did a little cleaning in the bathroom. I never saw so much dust in one house! No wonder they can’t breathe. There were cobwebs on the stuff near the bed. I also cleaned a couple of their full-length mirrors.

I played a little on her organ, but most of the keys don’t work.

While I was over at Ma’s dusting, I noticed this journal lying on top of a bookcase and I commented on it. Ma said she didn’t know where these journals were popping up from, and gave it to me. It’s older and uglier looking, but I still like it cuz it’s different. I like the quotes and the borders. The whole page layout isn’t the typical kind.

The cranberry juice and the Ibuprofen haven’t helped my stomach completely, so I guess I’ll just have to live with it.

There’s one of my birds in the back room window now. There are lots of them out there now. About 30. He’s looking in now and watching me and what I’m doing.

Shortly after 10:00 was when we took off for the hospital to see Dad. He’s with it, so to speak, and seems a bit better, although he still has a cough. We left Ma at the hospital, then Tom brought me home, and then he went back to mow their yard. He probably won’t be home till around 5:00 or later. I really feel like we have no life! We’ve hardly had any time together and who knows when and if we ever will.

Got the first issue of my new large print word find puzzle today.

Next door’s got company, but they’ve been quiet. That’s probably only due to the heat that they’ve been quiet. I’m sure if it were winter, they’d be out playing ball. I only saw one woman and her daughter visiting. I can’t believe Joely has only one kid. Blacks and Hispanics seem to have tons of them.

Now here’s something pretty amazing and shocking, if you think I’m so unique and different. Cindy, Ma’s sister’s daughter, is 30 years old, and not only is she a virgin who never left her house till after her mother died recently, but she’s also never looked after a kid before. This weekend she’s watching Nickolena. This is the first time in her life she’s babysat. She’s so whacked out from what I’ve heard that I can’t believe she has no kids. Maybe God did do something right after all.

OK, now on the subject of my uniqueness. I know this is gonna sound funny and like a bad excuse, but an outer force (probably God) made me say something to Tom that I didn’t mean and that I didn’t want to say. Nothing’s gonna ever change no matter what I do or don’t say, but I said that I didn’t want a kid for a few years yet, cuz the hospital and all made me want to wait. So, then he said something about not having sex in the missionary position where I’d risk getting pregnant. Yeah, right! He could be in that position, upside down, sideways; the guy won’t cum. The point is that it really felt like an outer force took over me and made me say this when fear of pregnancy is the last of my worries with a guy who doesn’t cum, whether I wanted a kid or not.

I asked myself why this thing would make me say stuff I didn’t want to say when it doesn’t matter, and I can’t conceive anyhow. The only thing I could think of was so that Tom could “punish” me. Meaning, his actions will say, “It’s too late, even though you said you were sorry and explained yourself to me. I’m gonna make sure the sex isn’t that great or that I don’t go on top anyway, just cuz you brought it up and placed it on my mind.” Like it isn’t on his mind every time we fuck anyway? Sure it is. Every time we fuck, he has to concentrate using every ounce of his mind and body to make sure he doesn’t let go. I just don’t want him to use this to tease me or to piss me off. Maybe instead of doing positions I don’t think are as fun, he’ll be too tired or too sore. That’s his usual excuse, so why should he change it now? Of course, by the time we get to doing anything in bed, if we do, it’ll be right before he crashes. Sex seems to be his last concern of the day. Sometimes I wish he’d take some kind of aphrodisiac, but fear of that kid will only override it.

Just think, if we had a kid now, damn would our lives be miserable. We already have no life, so think of what a kid would do to us. There’d be no chance in hell to screw later and I really think I’d just rather want it than have it. I’d be so sick and so miserable. It just isn’t for me. Besides, if I had all my dreams granted, there’d be nothing left to dream about. I’m not mother material and Tom’s busy life and our skinny wallet aren’t for a kid. It’d cost us tons of money to babyproof this house, let alone to pay for the baby and its needs. Is that all really worth the pain my body would go through, what it’d look like after, how we’d be as a couple and financially, the mental fatigue of it, and the lack of sleep and a life?

Maybe God really is just protecting me and my husband and has made me do the right thing. Maybe I should be helping to make sure I’m not pregnant by September, however, that job’s already taken care of. Between Tom and God, they can handle it.

The pool is so nice right now and Tom and I were gonna go for a swim around this time of day, but I guess we’ll have to go later. It’ll still be nice then. If I go at night and if the pool light still hasn’t been fixed yet, since we don’t have time to take care of our own stuff, I’ll bring out my flashlight and skim over the water to see if there are any dead bugs. Then I’ll just get them out of there with the net.

Well, I guess I’m gonna go watch some TV now.