A few days ago, in my email, there was a message about two new free areas and one of the highlights was ‘Lost, but not Forgotten’. So I checked it out and there were a couple of ads from people looking for other people. I replied to this thing and let them know I was looking for someone too. Then they replied to my message saying something about how I wanted my name published and then they mentioned shortening my ad. So, I asked them to be more specific as to what they mean by how I want my name published. Do they want my screen name or my maiden and married name, which may be helpful? Do they want me to rewrite my ad? Do they want me to give additional information? We’ll see what they say, and I also left a message for Tom to give me his feedback and or advice. They said something about it being posted for 3 months in one place, then if that doesn’t help me, they’ll post it elsewhere for a year.

Is this a coincidence? I just begged God and Robin to please help me get her real name. I guess the curiosity has rekindled itself, but I can’t say I’m as curious as I was last year when this all began. I can bet all these journals, though, that I’ll never find out a damn thing about her. Robin was right about this weekend. Not a sound other than a few 10-second music sessions as they were coming in. It was tolerable, though, and wouldn’t wake me up or shake the house down.

I just don’t know about all this other stuff, though. It just seems too unreal. To think that Tom will be getting off regularly after all this time is almost as far-fetched of an idea as is the idea of me getting pregnant. I told him earlier that if he had a mini orgasm, it should be a regular thing from now on and that it’s hard to believe we’re in phase 2 now, which is waiting to see if the DES got me as I fear it has (besides God). We agreed to give it a few months, though, and I told him that if I weren’t pregnant by New Year’s, then it’s over. At least I can feel better about knowing I can’t have a kid cuz God and the DES said so and not him.

What if he’s lying, though? What if he never came at all and never will, but will still insist that he did be it slightly or immensely? Is he now thinking, “Great. She believes I’m cumming when I’m really not and this is my ticket to getting off the hook. Now she can blame just God and the DES and not me.” He was acting kind of weird too. He had a look about him as if to suggest he was saying to me in his head, “You’re dreaming. I haven’t cum and I won’t cum.” He also seemed to possess a look of guilt. That time I went off on him with how he comes through on his word to others, but not me, was the first time he seemed guilty and like he realized what this has done to me, so maybe that’s why he hasn’t touched me all weekend. Maybe he’s just now really starting to feel guilty about lying before and about lying now, if this is truly the case. He says I didn’t do anything to turn him off and that he’s just been tired. He also seemed emotionless and not at all surprised about cumming. I’d think that if I truly couldn’t cum, but then did, I’d be elated. Especially if I wanted to enjoy how great it feels and especially if I wanted a kid.

I asked him if this were his secret. He hesitated a moment, then said no.

He said I seemed absent-minded yesterday and like something was bothering me, but nope. Nothing’s bothering me other than the usual bullshit. I just hope he’s telling the truth and that I just didn’t set myself up to fall into a trap. Has my willingness to take him and Robin for face value gotten him off the hook if he really is lying? Is this gonna cause him to swear he’s been cumming and therefore tell me I have no right to be angry at him and that we need not see a doctor? Did I just let him off the hook and provide him with the perfect cover-up for the truth if he’s still lying?

I asked him if it was cuz his missed orgasm scared him or worried him or made him feel overwhelmed in any way and he said no. I asked him if he’s ever had a missed orgasm before in his life and he said he’s had a wide variety of orgasms. Then why did he say, “I think I know what you mean about a missed orgasm,” the last time we screwed as if it was his first one?

I told Tom that if I was absent-minded today, it was probably mainly due to the heat and shock. I told him it hasn’t hit me yet that we’re in phase 2 and that he came and will do so regularly, so it should seem. I guess it’s like when a loved one of yours dies. It doesn’t always hit you right away. It takes time to sink in. After 2.5 years, it all just seems so incredible and so hard to believe. It’s like - this is it? All our sexual problems are solved? Now all we have to do is wait and see if I conceive? I asked him if I’d feel his cum in me here and there and he said yes. If he said he doubted it or if I don’t ever feel it, then I’ll go back to feeling like I’ve always felt about him and his true intentions, not that they’ve exactly changed yet. It’s too soon. Too soon to believe. It all sounds too good to be true and I still have to see more evidence of change, so to speak. I need something more tangible to prove that he’s not putting me on. I need to see or feel his cum. I guess only time will tell if Tom and Robin are full of it or not and if God will allow us a child. I just don’t see it, though.

Later…

I am in such a foul mood right now. Sometimes I really want to go outside and hang myself from one of the hooks on the patio. It’d do everyone a favor, including myself whose life is really over.

I should’ve known better than to talk to Tom. Why can’t I be one of those who never talks? I’ve always wished I were that way. I wish I were like Brenda was. The last few times I talked to Tom, he made me feel better, but not tonight. We both only ended up feeling worse.

It started when he told me that his dad can no longer control his number 2s. I felt so bad for him and Ma and then this also scared the shit out of me. Growing old seems more depressing and scary all the time. They’ve got kids to take care of them, but who will take care of us when we’re old? Since we’ll never have a kid, who will take care of us?