For the second time since next door’s been here, I hear music coming from their house. It’s perfectly fine with me, though, cuz you can only faintly hear it in the music room and it’s not like it’s bassy and rocks the whole house like that car stereo can.

The Blazer isn’t there as much anymore which is fine with me. Guess they’re not getting along as well or as much or something.

I’m just really worried about how the noise situation around here will be in the winter. Robin says not to worry at all, but we’ll see.

Today I feel much better than yesterday. I only shit once today and today my stomach hasn’t been bothering me in the way of gas or pre-cramps and my boobs are still fine. This is typical, though, to get symptoms of the period coming on, but then the last two days or so before the period can be much comfier.

Guess they didn’t feel like listening to music for long. I just walked by that room to go to the bathroom and it was silent. I hope that the weather report I just heard means that Robin will be right when she says that this weekend there’ll be no parties next door and that they’ll be gone throughout most of the weekend. It’s gonna be drying up and it’s to be 110° tomorrow, then 112° during the weekend. Hot and dry they say.

I forgot to mention this, but according to Robin, they probably won’t be getting a dog next door, figuring they just don’t have enough time to tend to it. That’s smart, rather than to leave it outside 24/7 like two yards down does. Those are just guard dogs, but that still is a cruel thing to do to even guard dogs, if you ask me.

I hope this weekend will be good, other than the fact that I’ll be cramping and ragging. Maybe a little sad too, as it’ll be a reminder to me once again, that I just can’t conceive. And that means no matter what age I am, too. I get it. God felt that I’ve done my time dealing with Tom’s not cumming, and now that he is, he feels I’m ready to deal with the next step and that’s going from 99.9% sure I’m sterile to 100% sure I’m sterile. Then I’ll have to deal with that forever since no fertility specialist could ever do a damn thing about it. Then God will also stick another one of those 2-3-year deals on me where I’ll have something different or freaky to eat at my emotions. Is that it?

I talked to Andy today for too long, as usual, but his mouth just kept going a mile a minute and he just wouldn’t let me off the fucking phone. Still, we had a nice talk. The bulk of it was about his many and mixed feelings about Quinn. He’s had him sexually more than he ever thought possible lately, but yet has a hard time with the fact that Quinn is so closeted.

Andy also called Barbara Nicks and asked her to the movies. As we both figured, she’s busy. She did tell him, though, that he’s the first young man in quite a while to ask her to the movies.

According to Andy, he dreamt about Fran and thinks that means he’s gonna try to contact us. I hope not, but if Tom or I answer the phone and it’s him, we’ll just hang up. If he’s been such a good boy this long, why would he start up now? It wouldn’t surprise me, though, unless he’s in jail, the funny farm, or dead.

Again we got no mail today. Not even the stamps we ordered, so I hope to hell they come tomorrow. I’d just die if those got misdelivered. If they ever delivered something of importance to us to next door, I know they’d never return it. I ought to send something there to myself to see just how honest they are, but it’s not worth the stamp to find out what I already figure greatly on and if the mailman saw the name S on it, he’d cross out their number, write ours on it and deliver it here.

Tom’s over at his parent’s house now putting some kind of lock on their doors. Always doing something for them.

Last night or the night before, Wendy called and he told me he doubted she’d be calling for a while.

Yeah, right. I suppose that’s why she just called a little while ago. She’s such a pushy one! I mean, she’s got two kids, so where is she getting all this time to sit and call us and play computer? Wendy really had the hots for Tom, so has she just gotten to really missing him or trying to bug us or what? I know they got it on here a few times before we met. I wonder, did he cum for her?

Anyway, when Tom comes in, I assume he’ll be beat and just want to sit in front of the TV till he goes to bed. I hope he’ll take care of something we need done soon enough and that’s Piggy’s cage, cuz it really needs to be done.

I’m rather ticked off that he said he won’t post for another job now, which he’s eligible to do, till after this shit with his parents is over. First of all, this shit with his parents won’t be over for quite a while. Second of all, I’m sick of him putting off decisions that affect us both and putting others first. Why the hell can’t he and Mary talk to the other family members and tell them to get off their lazy asses and do their fair share? Why does Tom have to do nearly everything? Why can’t David do the damn door or something for a change? Must he use his kid as an excuse when these people do have the money for a babysitter if Evie’s not around? I can see, though, just how easy it’d be to use a kid as an excuse to get out of doing something you don’t like to do or want to do or just can’t deal with. I’d probably try to say that my kid was sick or something like that and kids are always sick, so I’m sure I’d be believed if I had a kid.

I’m almost finished with the doggie journal I’m in and truthfully, I’ve been anxious to get out of it cuz I can’t wait to get to the fruit journal. Also, the one after that which will be the one for Women Who Do Too Much, ought to be different and interesting enough, too. The blue and purple one with the crumpled paper look, has plain white lined paper, and at the same time the cover’s nothing special, it is kind of nice looking. Tom really liked it a lot and it’s totally something I can see him buying and writing in if he were into writing journals.

It’s pretty nice outside now, but it’s still pretty warm. Once the sun goes down, I’ll switch over to the EC.

I kept busy today when I wasn’t on the phone. I wrote and I cleaned the house. I was too lazy to dust, but I gave the appliances a quick clean-up to keep them from getting built up with shit, then I cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed.

Later…

Tom got in and he says his dad’s doing terrible. Very weak and incoherent. He’d be moaning in pain one minute, then saying he was hungry another minute, then tired the next minute and tonight he was singing cheerfully for a good 20 seconds or so.

Tom’s mom doesn’t use her computer too much anymore cuz of her arthritis. Especially now that the monitor just completely died. So, she gave us one of her ribbons and Tom’s now unloading a dead ribbon from its case and loading the one she gave us into it cuz its case was of a different size. I hope it works. I don’t see why it can’t.

I was absolutely shocked, yet flattered to hear what Tom told me earlier. Mary can’t have kids due to having to have a hysterectomy. Tom said that he thinks Mary would’ve made just an average mother and that I’d make an even better mother than her. Wow! What faith he has in me! Well, I’m trying to adopt the “you never know” attitude, but it’s hard. Yes, I know that things have happened that I never thought could or would, but we’re talking a whole different ball game here.

Later…

Tom just went to bed. He’s really beat, as usual.

He brought home a video of Ryan’s high school graduation and a couple of blank tapes to make copies for those who want one. (another thing to do for others) This kid got a graduation ceremony and a party with money and gifts and all kinds of things for graduating. Lucky kid. All I got was a music book and a most-improved-behavior award. How humiliating, huh?

Tom’s sleeping out here in the back room right now due to the way things are with his dad.

I know this may sound like a really cruel and sick thing to say, but even though his parents are so sweet and I love to see them, I wish they didn’t exist. They’re stealing our lives away. Then again, if it weren’t them stealing our lives, it’d be something or someone else. There’s always a problem somewhere with somebody.

This Saturday he’s working at Evelyn’s who does pay him well cuz I’ll be sleeping late and due to having my period that day, I won’t feel the greatest body-wise or head-wise. I just hope Evelyn doesn’t need him next weekend and the next and the next. This is only the 4th or 5th time, I think, that she’s needed Tom to work for her, so she’s not that bad. Not as bad as Wendy’s phone calls and certainly not as bad as Tom’s parents. Still, his parents are very lucky to have kids like Tom and Mary. When we get old and senile or disabled or weak or whatever the case may be, there’ll be no one to take care of us and help us out. Getting old is really a scary thought to me due to all the pain and disability it means having, and then the fact that there’ll be no one there for us makes it worse.

Andy and I were discussing a pattern we’ve noticed in our lives that’s the opposite of the pattern my sister and I seem to have. Well, usually when things are good here, they’re not so good with my sister or her family, and vice versa. With Andy and I, well, when he has good luck, I do too, and when he has bad luck, I do, too. He’s been having good luck lately and we have too (except for being busy and with Tom’s family), so I told him to keep having good luck so that it’ll keep rubbing off on us and maybe, just maybe, we will have a kid. My hopes may be rather unrealistic, but like I said before, dreams are dreams and we all have them.

He’s confused a lot of the time about Quinn, yet he also understands him. When Quinn and Andy are together around Quinn’s friends, Quinn acts like Andy’s just a friend and doesn’t want anyone to know about them. But when they’re alone, it’s a different story. The thing that makes it hard for Andy is that Quinn calls all the shots. He can’t talk about sex, ask for sex, or have sex with Quinn unless Quinn brings it up. Andy said he said to Quinn that it’d be nice if every once in a while he could call Quinn up for sex, but Quinn just doesn’t like that idea. He describes Quinn as very selfish, insecure, and miserable, at the same time he’s friendly and loving. And of course, he’s all fucked up on drugs and is just so damn naïve. I hope things work out, though, and I told Andy to just give it time, cuz you never know. He’s already gotten further than he ever thought he would, so he just might get even further with Quinn in time.

Later…

I just got up to leave Andy a quick message and let him in on the latest scoop in our lives and now I’m gonna take a shower which I need desperately. I need to shave and boy, does my hair need washing!

Dear Uncle Marty,

I was very upset to come home to a message from you on our answering machine saying, “How dare you prank phone call us and I’ll come out there and kick your butt if you do it again.”

First of all, I haven’t made a prank phone call to you or anyone else since 1991. Second of all, you wouldn’t stand a fraction of a chance in a fight with me in this day and age. Third of all, I thought our past problems were just that - past problems.

Yes, we’ve all done wrong in the past and yes, I am 100% guilty of calling you several years ago and having my friend call you. However, I now haven’t a thing in the world against you and your family and I wish you no harm or ill luck whatsoever and I was really hoping we could just let dead dogs lay dead. I’m sorry you have such bad feelings towards me and I can’t change that, but I still do love you and Aunt Ruth and wish you both luck, happiness, and good health.

Jodi Lin

What you just read, believe it or not, is a letter I’m sending to my uncle, even though the part of it with the message he left is bullshit. Why am I doing this? Oh, I guess for two reasons. I’m just curious to see what type of response it’ll stir up, either from them or my folks, if anyone at all. Also, I just had to make that threat about him not being able to beat me at this time, and that’s the truth too, as is the rest of the letter. I’ve had a lot of anger towards my two uncles for several years. I don’t know why or why I haven’t gotten over the past. The reason for my anger toward Uncle Ronnie is that he was always such a bully. So rude and macho. I mean, he thought he was just the toughest thing in the world. As for Uncle Marty, well, I think I’ve mentioned the bullshit thing they accused me of and how he reacted to it when I was 14. I stood with him and Aunt Ruth at a campground in Connecticut for a little while one summer and this boy and I were getting a little touchy-feely cuz I just didn’t know how to say no. Well, they thought we went much further, after they found out about it, which I never had any intention of doing. They wouldn’t listen to me. They wouldn’t believe me and this had gotten me into enough hot water with my parents, of course. And of course, my parents believed them and not me. Then one of them or both of them hit me (I can’t remember which or if it was both). Then Marty came over to the house and scared the shit out of me and threatened me cuz I slammed the door on his face cuz I was pissed off at him for lying about me and for how he treated me. If only I were like I am now back then. I’ve thought it a million times over. I would’ve dogged him and I mean dogged him! I wouldn’t have cared what the consequences were.

Other than that, I’ve gotten over my anger towards Larry and a few others here and there who did me wrong in the past. I mean, I do wish I had ended up fighting a few people back in school and people like Bonnie (Brenda’s roommate on Woodside Terrace). And also Barbara in the NHA, but I had either been too nice, too sick, or physically unable to do so at the time. If I had been able to, I’m sure I’d have spared myself a lot of shit from them, but I also would’ve been arrested, too, I’m sure. So there’s both good and bad to the way the past turned out. Yup, with my temper the way it was in the past, which was a million times worse than it could ever be now, I’d have spent plenty of time in court and maybe even jail, too.

The ribbon prints just great. I just used it to print Mary’s letter, then I copied and pasted it in. Tom said it won’t last as long, though, as this ribbon is shorter.