I’ve only had 1 cigarette in the last 5 hours and boy, is it miserably hard!! It’s totally swapping one misery for another and smoking is constantly on my mind. I can’t even go 10 minutes without thinking about it. Tom keeps talking as if we’re 100% guaranteed to have a kid and says that when I’m pregnant, I must quit smoking, that’s a must, that’s part of the responsibility of being a mother-to-be, no ifs, ands, or buts. He makes it sound like it’s possible for me to quit. If it were that possible, I’d have quit long ago. Then he says that I have to think about what’s more important to me. It’s not that a kid is less important to me, it’s that he’s asking me to do something I can’t do and that’s impossible for me to do. He once said being able to quit smoking and managing to accomplish quitting is no big thing or big deal. Oh yeah?! If only he knew! If only he knew how awful I feel now.

I have so many mixed feelings right now. One’s saying I should try my hardest to quit now, cuz the sooner the better no matter what happens in life. Two’s saying I should wait to quit if I ever get pregnant, cuz that may give me the most encouragement ever as far as being able to quit goes. I feel the 3rd thing the strongest and that’s saying, I’ll never get pregnant and I know it, so why don’t I just smoke till I die.

Later…

I prayed to God to please give me the strength to say no to any cravings I have for a cigarette, but obviously, he wouldn’t help me, cuz I just smoked my second cigarette in 5 hours. Tom told me that I don’t have a choice whether or not I smoke during pregnancy and I told him that the only way I could quit smoking is by force. I asked him if he’d be willing to refuse to buy cigarettes if I were pregnant and he said yes. Then I asked if he’d be willing to refuse to buy cigarettes after I finish the 7 packs I have (you know, that tough love kind of thing) and he said yes and why don’t I make those 7 packs last 2 weeks.

Again, here are my choices and or opinions.

1. Quit now.

2. Quit after I finish what I’ve got.

3. Quit if I get pregnant.

4. Come back to earth and remember - I can’t ever get pregnant, so keep on smoking.