I didn’t hear very many fireworks at all last night.

They just came home next door quietly. They seem to be leaving earlier and returning later which is perfectly OK with me.

Robin came to talk to me yesterday in the wee hours of the morning. She’s still saying the same things - Tom’s not lying, I’ll be pregnant soon, and don’t worry about my schedule or handling things.

Tom says no, not all women feel it when a guy cums in her. Kim said that too, but is this really true, or is he saying it so he can lie about cumming? Why do I feel he’d rather find a way for me to believe the DES sterilized me, rather than it be his fault for really not cumming?

Anyway, I told him I was gonna try real hard to take him for face value and that I was gonna fully put my trust into his hands and he can either prove himself honest or really break my heart and play with my head.

He says that the only reason he’s seemed emotionless and unsurprised over this cumming is cuz he knew he would eventually do so. He also says the reason why he hasn’t felt sad or angry over not having a kid is cuz he doesn’t believe we can’t have one.

I wonder, though, why didn’t he tell me when we first met that there have been some women he’s never cum with if that were the case?

Later…

I just worked out, which I still am doing nearly every day. I see a difference in my gut and inner thighs, but I still have an awful lot of craters in the backs of my thighs.

I did some reading and finished up my floral frames in my sketchbook. Maybe later I’ll start working on journal covers. The plain white ones.

When I told Tom how I believe we’ll be hit with one thing after another after his dad goes, he said almost anything else that could happen would be nothing compared to losing his father. According to Tom, his dad’s the greatest person he’s ever known. I think the only things worse than his dad dying, in his opinion, would probably be if the house burned down, if his computer stuff all disappeared, if I died or left, and if I got pregnant. After all, I don’t have to try taking him for face value in my journals.

I had some funny dreams last night. Tom and I lived in some other house that sort of had split levels, was a little bigger, and had two stories. It had a weird design, but as an artist, I like that sort of thing. I only remember a couple of quick scenes. There was a room that was sort of like a good-sized pantry with big, long, fat, unfinished wooden shelves. I told Tom I picked an area on the shelves for all his magazines. Tom said, “Oh, no. My magazines won’t touch unfinished wood. I won’t have that.” So we agreed to get paint for the shelves. Later, though, after I saw he never got the paint, I questioned him about it and he said, “Why do you always take me so seriously? Don’t you know some people just like to make small talk? I was never really gonna get paint.” So I told him I was gonna use the shelves for myself. As I was in the process of putting stuff on them, my first cousins Lori and Lisa G showed up to give me old clothes of theirs. They didn’t look like Lori and Lisa really do, though, cuz both their figures were just right. In reality, Lori’s bone-thin and Lisa’s huge. Of course, they were geeky clothes from the 70s and all I like from the 70s is its music.

Then, Tom was coming up the stairs with some girl in her early 20s and they didn’t know I was just waking up and coming out of my room when I heard Tom say, “We have to be quiet, cuz if we wake my wife up, we’ll get bitched out.” Then they giggled.

As I was walking to a little store, in the dream, one of my birds jumped on my shoulder. When I entered the store, a guy behind the counter said, “Oh, no. You’re not coming in here with that.” So I explained to him how I just needed a few things, I’d be real quick, and trying to get the bird off my shoulder and to stay home did me no good. I also told him that if the bird crapped, it wouldn’t crap on the floor, cuz it’d hit my back first. Then I began walking home and ran into a couple of people I knew. As we began chatting all my birds came and flew in all around us. I reassured the people not to panic or worry, they were just my birds and my flock always followed me. Then I was on my way to bed again. The birds were in the house, so I ran real fast into my room and slammed the door so they couldn’t follow me in there. They tried to fly in with me. Then I scanned the room to make sure there were no birds in there so I could go to bed.

Weird dreams, huh? I told Tom, who got a kick out of it.

Now I’m gonna go write a little in Andy’s journal, before decorating a journal cover.

Later…

Tom’s up now. He told me to wake him up at 5:00, but the other day he told me he liked the idea of getting up at 4:30. I guess it’s to leave us no time for sex. He takes a half-hour to get ready, almost a half-hour to eat, then he needs time to digest.

I really feel that the reason why he hasn’t touched me goes beyond the stress he’s been having. He himself said his dad’s situation didn’t stop him from cumming and that cumming or not cumming has lots of factors involved. I think part of it is his patience pushing game, to make me wait to see what he does next time. Meaning that he probably knows I’m anxious to have sex again to see what happens, so he’s keeping me in suspense.

If he really did cum, he’s still acting very scared and nervous about us screwing. Especially at this time of the month. Tomorrow I’m mid-cycle and watch - without my saying a word about it, he won’t touch me tomorrow, so it isn’t a matter of my behavior. It’s both him and God I’m sure. Tom believes, though, that there are 10 days a month a woman’s fertile. Not 1-3. Well, I’ve always heard and read it’s 14 days after your period that you’re most likely to conceive and I think he knows this, too. The two times he claimed to cum were both times when it was virtually impossible to get pregnant. If he touches me tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised if he only wanted to go down on me or screw sideways.