I am so depressed right now. More so than I thought I’d be. I’ve usually been not too good with writing while I was depressed and therefore would forget some of what I had thought or felt at the time. So, I’m trying to break that habit and write while my mind is churning with emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

I didn’t get my period today, but I know I will tomorrow, and am so fucking bloated right now. The only thing I don’t have is sore tits. I have everything else that says my period’s right around the corner and I just don’t see how women can feel like this if they’re pregnant. I mean, no way! Maybe just a tiny fraction of PMS, but this? I don’t think so.

Anyway, the main reason I’m depressed right now is cuz I’m now dealing with my sterility like never before in my whole life. I knew it. I just knew I could never get pregnant and if only Tom knew just how wrong he is about my getting pregnant soon or ever. Now that I know he really does want a kid, there’s gonna be two of us to be let down. I know, though, that it’ll be no big deal to Tom that he can handle it and that it will never hit him an eighth of how it’s hit me.

I should’ve known better than to get all excited about his cumming, other than for the fact that it feels good to him and makes me feel I’ve done my job in bed right.

Once again, I want to know why God hates me so much and why Robin’s such a liar. And Robin said I’d be pregnant by September? Then that I’ll know I’m pregnant by my birthday? This is such bullshit! Why, why, why!!! Why does God hate me so much?! Why does he want to torture me? God will never let me have anything, will he? Oh, we may get some new things here and there and we may move someday, but that’s it. I’ll still be the same old Jodi with the same old life.

Tom and I were talking about my ear one time and he told me that God marks his special ones. Oh yeah? Was I that special to him that he had to mark my plumbing for destruction, too? I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! Won’t he ever just let me have at least one thing I’ve really wanted? Not something I didn’t think of or plan on or want or try for that I got and ended up loving whatever it was and wanting to keep it forever and ever like Tom and like coming out here. I used to feel differently and I hope I’m wrong about this, but I can’t ever see myself getting over not being able to have a child or forgiving God for sterilizing me. Most of the issues that I have to deal with are one after another, lasting for 2-3 years, but not this one. This one may end up being longer than the issue of how bad I had wanted to be a singer. What is this, a case of God feeling I’m ready and tough enough to deal with facing the fact of sterility like never before? Well, I can’t deal with it. And I can’t just say to myself that I’m just not gonna give God the satisfaction of showing him that he’s hurt me and that this situation has hurt me. I can’t carry on with my life as if it’s OK that I can’t have a child. If it were that easy, I’d have done so a long time ago.

I mentioned how Tom talked about a 30-year-old getting used to hormone changes and that getting pregnant would take 2-3 months. Well, I wish he were right, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that 30 or not, I should’ve conceived at the time we did it. To do it 14 days before your period is supposed to be the prime time for conception.

They say no one’s ever fought God and won, so I guess I’ll just have to be the first. Somehow, some way, I must deal with this and get over it and get it out of my system. I know I must do something in life, too, even if it’s gonna be second best and even if my heart’s not gonna be in it.

I hate Robin so much now and I don’t ever want Robin anywhere near me! How dare she say this shit just to tell me what I want to hear to cheer me up while knowing it’s pure bullshit! They’re just like I thought Tom was up till the day he came.

Just about every single time I’ve ever been happy, it’s for nothing. I’m such a stupid, silly dreamer with no real destiny or future. All I’ll do is get occasional bursts of happiness about something that doesn’t even exist or about something that’s just an illusion or that just doesn’t last long at all or pan out to be much. God just loves to tease me. It’s like he’s saying to me, “I’ll give you happiness here and there, and then just when you think it may last, I’ll throw you back down so hard and laugh while you cry in depression, frustration, and anger.”