I still feel so trapped and like I’m in a rut I’ll never get out of. I don’t want to take medication to help numb my emotions cuz that costs money and side effects. I can’t do what I want to do in life, I can’t get up the nerve to settle, and I don’t want to do nothing forever.

I thoroughly regret talking to Tom about my feelings and concerns. His dad’s number one now, not me and my problems. But in talking to him, I really learned just how selfish, manipulative, and controlling he really is. He told me that I’m free to do what I want and that he’ll always love me, but he won’t want to associate with me if I dance and he won’t drive me there for an audition. 

See? I always knew I had to be only what he wants me to be. I would never say that to someone I’m supposed to love. I would never not drive them to wherever they wanted to go and tell them that I wouldn’t associate with them just cuz they were doing something I didn’t agree with. He doesn’t want me to dance. He won’t allow me a child, so what does that leave me with? Just his false promises? He’s got the sperm and he’s in control of that, but I’ll bet you if I could just yank it inside me, the truth would come out and he’d tell me he wouldn’t associate with me if I got pregnant. I always have to be and do what he wants me to be and do. All my life I’ve had dreams that I couldn’t turn into reality cuz there was something or someone in my way or it was something I just couldn’t do anyway. Am I ever gonna have a dream that’s realistic that I can get into and maintain and handle without God or other people stopping me?

If he really did cum and if we really are (or were), in phase 2 like he said to me earlier, then did God influence my mood to come out and make us both worse to send him back in time sexually? If he was lying, then is that why he said he didn’t want me on birth control after agreeing with me to ditch all our plans? Did he say no to birth control figuring he’d just go back to his old ways of not cumming, if he did cum at all, or did he not cum, knows it, and said no cuz he intends to keep not cumming?

The reason why I suggested dropping all our plans, the cigarette machine, the kid and whatever else, is cuz I thought it’d be the only way to help make things better. This way I’ll only have to feel sad about never being able to have these things anyway. But I should feel less angry, cuz now there’ll be nothing for him to have promised me that he didn’t deliver on to piss me off. If he just doesn’t promise me anything, whether he meant to keep his promise or not, and whether God would allow it or not, then maybe I’ll have less reason to be angry at him. Just sad over knowing I’ll never get the things I really want.

He said he was sick of me and turned all my feelings that I had for him and life into an attack on me. I asked him if he’s sick of me, does he want me gone? 

No, he said. 

Well, I don’t want to be around anyone who’s sick of me, so I’ll just stay away from him as much as I can. I wish I could fight back and take and control him for a change and really show him what it’s like to be molded into something someone else wants him to be, but I just can’t do that. I can’t stoop myself that low and not feel guilty and if I’ve ever controlled him in any way, it was never intended. But how would he like it if I told him that if he went to the racetrack I wouldn’t associate with him? How would he like it if I promised him things that meant little and a lot to him and never came through with my promise? And all the while appear like I don’t understand or want to help us in any way. He never wanted to go to a doctor and he never will. He’d do anything to keep things as they are. The only changes he won’t fight are those that suit him. He’d love to have the bills paid and all kinds of computer goodies, which is fine, but he’ll do anything to keep me from getting pregnant no matter what the price is. Speaking of prices, I really firmly believe that first, he’s gonna desperately find some cover-up as to why we could never have a kid to try to use that as a legit excuse. But if that doesn’t work, he’ll say anything, unless he ever just comes out and spits out the truth.

What made him the way he is? I know no one’s perfect and I know we all have our dark sides, but how can such a great person have such a tremendously dark, dark, dark side at the same time? Why can’t he admit all his fears and all the things he doesn’t want in life? Why only some of them? Does he really get off telling me what I want to hear whether he’s telling the truth or not? When I factor in everything I’ve ever done wrong in this relationship, it doesn’t seem that the punishment of lying about a kid fits the crime. And also, if I were that bad in his eyes, then what does he want me around for? What else could’ve happened to him in his life to make him the way he is? Who else could’ve hurt him to make him this way? This control, lying and denial can’t be just because. It’s got to have stemmed from somewhere.

The fact that he agreed with me to throw away our plans tells me yet again that he’s a liar. He says he never gives up and doesn’t believe in quitting. Maybe he’s gonna use this agreement as the perfect way to get off the hook and cover for the truth, but who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows anything for sure anymore? Half the things in this world I see or hear are total bullshit. Just an illusion. Nothing’s always as it appears to look or sound.

Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, the lies he’s told me, or the fact that he denies lying to me. Will he ever admit he never wanted a kid? Will he ever admit that he sometimes got a kick out of not doing things he said he would or doing them much later? Instead of helping Wendy with her computer problems, he could’ve worked on the cigarette machine, but it seems he spends the bulk of his free time in front of the TV or at the computer. I know he doesn’t have a whole heck of a lot of free time, but isn’t there any way he can balance and organize his time better? Maybe that’s just something that’s easier for him to say or think about than do, just like it’s easier for me to wish I could quit smoking or cut down than do so.

I asked Tammy if she felt it was possible for him to have a missed orgasm. At first she wasn’t sure, then she said she guessed so. I don’t know what to believe, but I still feel that as sad and as hard as it is, I must forget about all my dreams as much as I can and keep my mouth shut. All the talk and wishing in the world won’t bring my dreams to reality anyway. That’s why they call them “dreams,” cuz a dream is just that - a dream.

Yesterday Tom peeked into the nest out back while Mama Bird was gone. There were two eggs in there, but who knows if they’re fertile?