Gloria will be performing here in Phoenix tonight. After hearing the lyrics to her song called Destiny, I realized how much we write alike. Especially with lines of hers like, “We live our lives in mystery, while everything is meant to be.” Still, Linda inspired me vocally, while Gloria has inspired me personally.

I have so much to write about, it isn’t funny. I think, though, I’ll wait for a time when Tom’s not here or is asleep. I can concentrate a bit better that way. He’s not gonna be working today or tomorrow which I have mixed emotions about. I mean, I do love to see him and feel we don’t get enough time together, but due to a couple of days ago, which I’ll get into later, I’m wary of being around him for fear I’ll say or do the wrong thing to upset him or that he’ll just suddenly get upset for no apparent reason.

Later…

OK, now that Tom’s headed over to his mom’s house, I can write. He said don’t be surprised if he still calls it his “parents'” house.

No problem. Old habits do die hard and I still think of this computer as his, even though it’s ours.

First of all, today was a great day, so far. Best one we’ve had in a while as far as there not being a million things to do and all that stress hanging over us. We played computer games, then he showed me some things on the computer, then we swam, then we had sex in 3 different positions. He almost came. I could feel he was really close, but like he said, we don’t expect him to cum every time. I don’t even cum every time and he still just went through a heavy-duty ordeal in his life.

I just talked to Jenny, but Sandy and both Larrys weren’t there. I let her know Tom’s dad died and that things have been rough, but that hopefully they’ll simmer down as Tom believes they will.

Jenny says she saves all my envelopes and has a lot of them. Well, that’s nice to know that someone likes my drawings enough to save them.

Piggy’s been squeaking all day and the birds are their usual desperate selves. Tom and I got out of the pool and were standing on the patio when I threw some seeds down. It landed on and around our feet, so the birds were picking out seeds from in between my toes and from under the sides of Tom’s feet, tickling him.

We still haven’t been able to see what pictures or what in the hell you’re supposed to see when you play Gloria’s CD in the CD ROM cuz we have to get a new printer driver, but Tom’s looking to find one from AOL. No luck yet, but he’ll find it.

Tom says that if I ever died, he would follow my request and give Andy typed versions of my journals and keep the written ones and read them and cherish them forever. He said that’d be a big and important piece of me he could hang onto. He also says he’s sure that our kid will read them after I’m gone and I asked him how he felt about the fact that it’d be reading me calling him a liar for over two years. Fine with me, he said.

Got a couple of sympathy cards from my parents and from Andy. That was nice of them and thanks to Tammy, I can count on her to spread any major news around, unless I tell her to keep a lid on it. If we ever told her I was pregnant, would my parents send a congratulation card? No. Of course not. Tom would say it’s their opinion and that’s OK, but deep down I think it’d hurt him. I mean, if they said to me I shouldn’t have a kid cuz they didn’t think I’d be a good mother, that’s telling Tom, in a sense, that he doesn’t have a very good wife and that’s also saying Tom would be a bad father. Would they realize that? Probably not, cuz I doubt they’d care, but I’m not gonna have to worry about that cuz we either won’t be talking to each other or I’d just hang up the phone and not bother listening to any crap they tried to give us. No one’s gonna get in the way of our dreams and spoil a good thing for us (unless God does). We’re adults that can take charge of our own lives, thank you.

Got a nice surprise from Boo and Max. They were at Tammy’s and they sent me a quick hello message. I’m surprised they’d go visit Tammy. I mean, I knew they always got along just fine. It’s just that I didn’t think they’d bother or that Tammy would bother to invite them. Anyway, before I got their message, I thought that it was about time I sent them a letter just to say hi. Them and Goldie & Al.

Now, before I get into yesterday and the day before that, let me get Andy’s Dave story out of the way so I don’t feel like I lied to him about documenting it.

He met him through some friends of his and he says he’s a million times better looking than Quinn who he thinks is gorgeous. So, as far as he and everyone knew, he never mentioned being with a woman and he and other people said there might be a chance he’s gay. So, Andy was so into him after only seeing him once and talking to him about two times, that Andy would literally kick Laura out and let him move in. That’s quite hasty to me, but sure enough, the guy hasn’t returned his calls and Andy’s lost all hope.

Why does God insist Andy be alone forever, just like he insists we be childless forever? Speaking of it, though, I haven’t had that sad, desperate, and angry, damn,-I-can’t-have-a-kid feeling in the longest time since I’ve known Tom, so that’s nice. I guess it’s cuz I know the next step is seeing that I can’t conceive and have already accepted that. I feel more relaxed than I have since being with him since our sex lives were straightened out. It really takes a lot of the stress and the feeling of not being normal or good enough off of me, but I just hope he cums more often than not. We’re at a time now, where we’ll be finding out just how often he cums. Bob asked me about a kid and as far as that goes I told him the truth, we want that, he believes it’s gonna happen, but I doubt it cuz I don’t always believe in miracles.

Anyway, the day before yesterday sucked. Tom was fine one minute and the next I saw him sitting in his chair in the living room, asked what was wrong, and said to leave him alone, so I did. All the while, though, I was asking myself, what did I do? What did I say? He was so contradicting that day and he really hurt me and pissed me off. Of course, he said I did the same thing to him. I told him that I later tried to find out what was wrong cuz I’m his wife and cuz I care about him and want to know what’s eating at him. He said that couples aren’t entitled to tell their spouses everything 24 hours a day what they do or think. He said if I can’t find out what’s wrong with him without fighting with him, then wait till I can. Why do we have to fight for me to find out what’s wrong with him? He also said that I should think about how I take things and be more tolerant of his faults. Well, we can be more tolerant of our faults, but I think we should still work on our faults. He said that when someone has to deal with something, the other should just let them deal with it however they need to and just accept that the other person might get hurt and angry. I don’t totally agree with that. Yes, one should deal with their emotions in their own way, but not hurt others while they’re doing it. That’s not right or fair. He told me that if I cut myself, that’d be hurting him. So, it’s OK for him to hurt me if he has to in order to deal with something, but I can’t? He says I have, though, and I know I’ve said some mean and unfair things during moments where I’ve had my emotional lows, but I’m sorry for hurting him and I intend to keep working on that and make sure I don’t let history repeat itself. He, though, feels he did nothing wrong and that it’s OK to hurt your loved ones if you have an emotional low.

He also says he tries to be as blunt as he can be and doesn’t do innuendoes. Yes, I know he tries to be and I do too.

I still have my fears of having a kid, like most of us do. It is something I still want, but the usual fears are there as far as money goes and our time and privacy together and its effects on the marriage. Are we gonna be able to juggle the relationship between us and the one with the kid? Can we mix the two, and will adding a third party to the picture really work?

I heard a scary story on a talk show, but Tom said it didn’t scare him. I’m glad one of us didn’t get scared by it. This guy abused his daughter and he said he knew it sounded too easy to blame his parents for it. He said his dad used to beat him and he hated him and he swore he’d never be like him, but he was.

Now, I’ll get into yesterday’s events. We went to Mom’s and Mary and Dave were there along with Carol and Steven. Then we went and picked up Cindy, our 34-year-old niece (it’s weird having a niece who’s 4 years older). Then we went to the cemetery which is out in the middle of nowhere. It’s a huge flat cemetery with mountains off in the distance. It was very pretty and well-kept, though. We gathered under a little gazebo-like thing where there were about 20 people. I think I’ve met pretty much all of the family now. I finally met Evelyn, Opal, and Lucy. Opal and Lucy are mom’s sisters.

Then they brought the coffin out of the hearse and placed it in front of us and the Priest or Pastor or whoever did a speech. Then we left. I thought we were gonna then go to a different part of the cemetery and stand by as he was put in the ground, but I guess not. They put the coffin back into the hearse and it left too. Tom says it’ll go back to the funeral home, then back there to be buried. It was unlike any other funeral I’ve ever been to and I’ve been to 4; Pa’s uncle, then 3 of my grandparents’.

I talked to Tammy a little while ago, who said Boo & Max always keep in touch. I guess they really do like her better, as they said in their message to me, cuz they never keep in touch with me. My dad and everyone like to remind me of how much they like others better than me. And although they mean it in a teasing way, there is more than a grain of truth to that. I’ve only had contact with Boo & Max twice since being out here. That time I called them in ‘92 shortly after I arrived here when they sent me money to help me out and then when they sent a wedding card with $50 in ‘94. I’ve sent them 2 or 3 letters since I’ve been here.