I haven't felt so good in so long. So relaxed, so carefree, and definitely more hopeful. I don’t know what I feel the most: shock, happiness, or guilt. I really, really thought he was playing with me all this time. I had no idea that some people just needed time to develop sexually. I always thought that if a guy didn’t cum, it was due to a physical problem, them not being attracted to the one they were with, or fear of a kid. I also had no idea that a sexual problem could instantly be fixed (unless this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing).

It’s amazing too, that this all happened when I was mid-cycle, but I’m not gonna get my hopes up too high. I’m not completely negative about it, anymore, either. Now it’s all in God’s hands to decide whether to give us a child or not. Yes, I do fear compensation and that God may replace this issue with something new, but I hope not. If he does, though, it’ll hopefully be a joke and not last for 2½ years.

I feel so much more normal now and now I can just concentrate on having fun, rather than that and trying to measure up and be good enough as well.

From what Robin says, I’ll be pregnant soon, but like I said, I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, even though I now believe I have a chance.

This has really boosted my love for Tom, even though sex is just a part of a relationship. I am so blessed and so lucky to have a guy like him and I fully trust him. This means so much to me that he could tell me every day for 20 years that he was gonna do the cigarette machine and not do it, cuz I fully know now, that if it’s something I need that really matters, he’ll be there. Even though anything’s possible, how lucky I am to know that the chances are pretty much 0 that he’d leave me with or without a kid or cheat on me.

This wonderful feeling I have now totally overrides all that depression, anger, and frustration I went through. It feels so good to feel the way I do now. I feel like I haven’t felt this way for about two years. If it turns out I’m sterile, yes, there’d be some sadness and anger, but nothing compared to if I never got the chance to try if Tom had never cum.

According to Tom, Minnie called when I was asleep. Just when I think she dropped off the face of the earth, she calls. She had no important message for me. She just wanted to say hi and see how my ear was.

Tom went over to his parents' place today and they have some kid’s TV dinners and there were some Western-style stencils in one of them and he asked Ma if I could have it cuz there was a cactus. There’s a cactus, a hat, a boot, a horse, a snake, and a horseshoe and I decorated Larry’s next envelope with them.