Got up a couple of hours ago and now I’m just relaxing. There’s not much to do now. I did get my email from Marla. All’s well with her.

I’m making fish sticks right now in the deep fryer. I have to wait for the thing to heat up. Then, they’ll cook up in just a few minutes.

I guess next door never returned yesterday. I peeked a little while ago. There’s no car there.

Tom said that the ceremony was nice.

When he first came home, he surprised me. It was the first time he just came home and initiated sex, without winding down first, cuz he hates to drive. The part that didn’t surprise me was that he didn’t get hard enough to get in there. So, even if I weren’t sterile, yesterday’s minimal shot couldn’t do shit. He still says he could get off two days in a row. Well, I haven’t seen that yet. What’s he waiting for? We’ll see what happens today if we have sex, but my guess is that he won’t get off again till the beginning of February. Nonetheless, it was a pleasant surprise that I didn’t expect and I hope today will be another pleasant day.

It’s relaxing, but tense at the same time, as I wait in the eye of the storm. The phone’s gonna ring any minute now and someone will be hurt, sick, or dead. It’s scary. All I can do, though, is wait. Wait till the next bout of trouble comes. When something breaks that either takes lots of money to fix or lots of time to fix if it isn’t something wrong with a person.

There is a possibility that we may be getting a hamster. Mary and Dave are getting dwarf hamsters and they’re smaller than Gizzy. That’s small! So, they want a special cage for them and to give one of their 3 hamsters away, but the one they wanted to give away, escaped. So, Tom said Mary said it’s my fault. He heard them mentioning this, and then he ran away. Well, I hope they find him (Stinky), cuz if they do, I’ll gladly take him and then Gizzy can have a roommate, too.

I called my parents yesterday and besides pictures, she’s also mailing a wooden rabbit that Larry carved in his grandfather’s cellar a few weeks ago. The pictures are of the two Larrys and Jen from when they were down in Florida about a month ago. I asked if they had any of Sandy. Ma said she’d look.

So, I let my folks know we’re fine, Bunny’s now 6 pounds, and we finally caught Gizzy.

Tom has a serious hearing problem. He asked me, “Who carved a rabbit in an attic?”

Now I wish I didn’t destroy the pictures of Larry and his family I had back when all that shit went down in ‘86, but I have no regrets about ditching Jenny C’s pictures.

Later...

This is just too damn weird. After I fell asleep, I got up twice for a long pee. Meanwhile, I shit twice, haven’t eaten that much at all and now I’m 105. What the fuck is going on?! This is so fucking frustrating. I’ve got to see a doctor soon.

Later...

Yup, God did it again. Who got hurt? Well, Tom pulled a back muscle while trying to access the leak problem. He’s OK, though, and he could even have sex. This is where God’s good side came out - I knew that DES or not, God would be with me and make sure he didn’t get off and he didn’t. Especially since he just did yesterday.

I am a worrywart. So sometimes I do worry. In spite of the DES and God’s plan to make sure I never have a child, I sometimes worry. What if God did slip up? What if, due to his busy schedule, he forgot to protect me? Well, I suppose he’d just kill it, but I’d hope he’d do that long before I even had a chance to suspect I was pregnant if he screwed up for some reason. I still believe that God does and can make mistakes and that he is not always fair. So, even though I do really know deep down I’m immune to pregnancy, so to speak, I still fear he’ll be unfair to me and make the mistake of letting me conceive. He has been plenty unfair to me in the past, but that was different. I guess you can’t really compare getting pregnant with the shit he let my folks do to me, the places he let me into, the people he’s sent my way, etc.

Anyway, I’m glad I’ve come to be content with the idea of a kid being just a thought and an on-and-off dream. That’s what dreams are for. Dreams are what make us human and if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that it’s OK to think, wonder, and dream. I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call it a dream anymore, any more than I would with the singing, but you understand.

I don’t always know if I should worry or remind myself that there’s no way I’ll ever conceive, so don’t worry. Guess I’ll always do a little of both.