Marla sent me another message. We sure can relate to one another in lots of ways. We just don’t agree on how much we make our own choices. She thinks we make our own choices about everything. I think we make our own choices about some things.

She told me that she had been stressing out, trying to get pregnant to no avail. Then, when she made the appointment to see a doctor, she was pregnant. She said she thinks that seeing a doctor took the stress off her, and allowed her to relax so she could conceive. Yeah, well, now that I’m much more relaxed than ever, as far as that goes, that doesn’t mean God’s gonna stop doing what’s right and I don’t want him to stop doing what’s right. I no longer care to have the responsibilities, the burdens, the what-ifs, the fears, the doubts, concerning a child, be any more than just a thought. I’m not going to have a child, a child I can’t handle in the first place, only to see it become a victim of this world and God, while there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it, but stand by and watch helplessly.

We may screw this morning and I hope to hell he empties himself out, cuz we’re approaching that dangerous time. If he gets it all out this morning, it’ll be safe, cuz it’ll be too soon. Then, there’ll be no way he can shoot off again, as soon as 2-3 days, when I’ll be in that time frame. He needs 2-4 weeks before he can do it again. Deep down, I know that I still have nothing to worry about. I know God will take care of me. If there is any good in God, it’s that he knows to make sure I don’t conceive, whether I’m ovulating or not. He knows what’s right for me. He knows what’s best for me. In some cases, anyway, and this is surely one of them. So, even though, I’ve let my guard down, and don’t feel so desperate to conceive, I’ll still be safe and taken care of. Fate must remain fate, no matter how we feel, think, or believe. And no matter what we say or do.

I rescheduled Nielsen for February 6th, and I’m gonna tell you one thing for sure, and that’s that if I can’t make this appointment - fuck it. I shall take that as a sign telling me I don’t need to go and I don’t have any problems with the ear. I think I keep it clean enough, too.

I can’t believe this mouse. How can he keep running and running on his wheel? I mean, it’s like he’s a machine and not alive. How can his heart, lungs, and muscles take it?

I called Larry yesterday just to say hello and see how they were doing. He says he’s gonna try to return to work. I told him not to push it. It seems too soon for him to be going back to work. I hope he’s talking about this as much as he needs to and isn’t planning on drowning his sorrows in work. I wonder if he’ll drown his sorrows in something worse than work. Something like booze. I hope not.

Andy left a message saying that his mother saw it on the news and read about it in the paper and he said she gave her condolences to me. That’s nice. She asked Andy if my folks came up for the funeral. Amazingly, she didn’t know Larry was in touch with us again or even if I knew about this.

I’m sure even that asshole Michelle L knows all about it. I’m sure lots of people remembered the last name when they heard it. Not just cuz they may know Larry, but cuz of their run-ins and past dealings with me. I’m sure Jenny C knew about it, somehow, within hours of the accident (remember, though, I don’t consider it just an “accident” but a curse). I know Massachusetts and its surrounding states are small and that the cities and towns are small compared to cities like Phoenix, New York City, and L.A. But how do people always seem to know what’s going on with people? People they haven’t seen or heard from for years and who they’re not connected with in any way? When I got in trouble in Deerfield, it was in the Greenfield paper, the nearest biggest city. Well, it must’ve been in the Springfield papers too, although I didn’t think it would’ve been. Larry and Jen C knew all about that when that shit went down and even that bitch Joyce in the Carabetta office knew. As far as I knew and still know, no one that ever knew or that knows me knows Joyce. Yet, when I called and harassed her, she not only recognized my voice which she hadn’t heard in years, she knew about the trouble in S Deerfield. So, my guess is that she, Jenny, and Larry read it from the Springfield paper, not heard it by word of mouth. Shit, if I got a traffic ticket out here, I’ll bet my family in MA, CT, and FL would know, along with people like Jenny C, aunts, uncles, even distant cousins, and Joyce!

I still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised, if my parents had used their money and persuasiveness to get someone I was associated with (like Nervous, for example) to report to my parents all my happenings. I wouldn’t put it past them. That’s something they would do. Hell, for all I know, they could be getting reports from Tom, either by mail, phone or even Tammy’s computer. He still could’ve really held back his cumming up till last July, due to my folk’s mouths, and believe me, it wouldn’t have taken much. I doubt this or that he’d be reading my journals, he says he’s too busy to read them, and I think they’d bore him, but who knows for sure? Well, I decided long ago, that I’ve still got to keep going and do what I have to do, and not worry about people’s or life’s possibilities. I worry enough about other people and if I worry too much, I’ll never be me and live for me.

Later...

Oh, fuck! My temp’s up. This must be what Marla meant when she said it rises quickly at that time. It was below normal yesterday but now it’s above normal.

My fears are jumping back and forth. One minute I tell myself that God gives babies to those who don’t want them or that are too fucked up for them, but he didn’t do that to me 10 years ago, so why worry? Right? He’ll keep taking care of me and doing what’s right and not change fate, right? I’m not gonna tell Tom how I truly feel (unless he reads it for himself), cuz that’d only start a cycle of ridiculous problems and events. First of all, I know he can live with or without a child, but I don’t want him getting all upset, taking it personally or putting a guilt trip on me by denying me sex. I still enjoy our fun. Also, he may want to put one of our bodies through the unnecessary, pain, hassles and side effects of some kind of birth control, when we don’t even need it. Between God and the DES, I’m sure that if anything forms, it’ll be taken away before even a few weeks.

I’m sorry, but just like with the singing, I’d rather sit and dream/wonder about a child and what it all would’ve been like. I’m not gonna take on something I can’t handle, get sick and maybe lose my husband, too. I’m also not gonna have him and the kid go somewhere, then find cops at my door telling me they were killed by some crazed drunk driver or something. There will be no child and if I’ve reached my destiny and this is it - fine. I’ll take this over the past in a heartbeat.

Later...

We just screwed and as usual, he didn’t get off. God really is looking out for me.

Well, I’d write more, but I’m all written out.