I have some very tragic news. First, though, I’ll go in order of events so I don’t get sidetracked and sound confusing.

Once again, no one’s been next door. Not him, anyway, but there are lights on over there at night. He was only there last Friday. It’s now Friday again; beware of the freeloaders. However, his constant absence has really taken the edge off of me. Especially when I go to bed.

I haven’t heard that little mutt across the way, either, but due to my schedule, it’s too soon to tell whether or not they gave a shit and did something about it.

Andy was over last night from about 10 PM to 3 AM. I did a couple of loads of laundry for him. First, he sat and chatted with Tom and me. He brought some candy and a necklace for me that he didn’t want.

After Tom left for work, he went on AOL to research Stevie. Watching him, with no real computer experience, was quite amusing. He had to hold the mouse with his right hand and use his left hand to click the left button. He was so shaky. At one point he asked me where the R on the keyboard was. I never noticed it was chipped and looked like a P before. I never look when I type. Overall, he did pretty well. He didn’t need me to bail him out of jams he’d get into too much. He was quite fascinated by the computer and how I could see when Marla came online, so I could zap her an instant message. At one point, while I was typing to her, he goes, “Oh my God! Look how fast you can type. You’re like a bionic typist.” 

I told him that if he did straightforward typing for years and typed up over 100 journals, he’d be typing really fast, too.

Marla mentioned something about a virus on her work computer, and of course, I know nothing of those such things, so I told her that Tom would be off Friday and Saturday night and to call him then.

After Andy was done with the computer, we sat at the kitchen table with coffee and talked.

The next day, Tom and I went to the library in the evening. I returned the Laura books. I just couldn’t get into them. I got 3 more Dean Koontz books.

Now for my shitty

Later...

I was interrupted last night when Tammy called to give me the final news of this horrible tragedy that’s just happened. I’ll just get right to the point. Then I’ll take it from there.

During the early morning hours of the 16th, God killed my nephew Larry. He and Big Larry were driving on I-91 in Longmeadow, when Big Larry, who had been sick for a couple of months with the same lung problems I had back there went into a coughing fit, blacked out, and lost control of the truck, which rolled off the side of the road.

Big Larry was thrown from the truck and only received minor head injuries. He had to have some stitches but is OK. Little Larry was crushed in the cabin of the truck, I believe, and received massive internal injuries, as well as to the head. His pelvis was crushed. They tried to operate, and they removed his spleen. However, if he had lived, he’d have been a vegetable. He lost consciousness right away and never regained consciousness. He died less than 24 hours after the accident.

Big Larry was discharged from the hospital and last I knew he was at his in-law’s place in East Longmeadow with Sandy and Jennifer.

My sister, who has been my main informant through all of this, was also at the hospital and in East Longmeadow.

Yesterday, my mother’s friend Teresa drove Mom up to E. Longmeadow and they just arrived a few hours ago. Dad will be flying in on Monday.

The funeral will be held on Monday, and Dad will just miss it, cuz that’s the quickest he can get tickets and an open flight. This long holiday weekend has the flights really booked up. Teresa’s husband will be staying at their place with the dogs and he’s got someone to tend to the store. They’ll be having a Christian burial and Dad gave me the address of the funeral home, so we can send flowers there. I guess he’ll be buried in E. Longmeadow.

Anyway, if I’ve got this straight (and none of us may ever know for sure), big Larry never lost consciousness when the accident occurred. He had to have remained somewhat with it, cuz he called Florida to tell Mom and Dad what had happened. Then he was admitted.

Later...

Tammy just called. At this point, mom’s staying at Boo and Max’s house in Longmeadow, even though they’re in Florida. Tammy will be at her own house in CT, but for the next several days she’ll be driving into MA. From what I gather, Larry, Sandy and Jenny are still in E. Longmeadow.

Under the circumstances, she and Sandy embraced and got along fine. This is the first time they’ve seen each other in about 10 years. Maybe more. It seems like it always takes someone’s dying to unite family members.

Jenny’s been hysterical, afraid of losing others, which is perfectly understandable.

Larry’s been inconsolable, according to Tammy, which is also very understandable. He keeps blaming himself, saying, “I murdered my son.” We all know that this isn’t true, though, and that if there was anything Larry could’ve done to avoid this tragedy, he would’ve in a heartbeat.

I guess I was wrong when I said little Larry never knew what hit them. I guess that right after the accident, when he knew they were in serious trouble, he had said, “I love you, Daddy.” Then he went into a coma. This happened at 3 AM on the 16th, then he died at 2 AM on the 17th. Why he was out at that hour on a school night, beats me, but from what I hear, that was a common thing.

This is pretty much all I know at this time. Tom and I will be sending flowers to the funeral home on Monday.

Tom’s mom made the most generous and sweetest offer, which was to give us the money to fly there. Tom couldn’t, though, cuz people are using the next couple of weeks for vacation and he couldn’t get the time off from work. Only if it had been parents, grandparents, siblings or his children.

I asked both Dad and Tammy if they felt I was needed and if it was proper for me to fly in, but they said no. There’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing anyone can do. All we can do is hope that in time, whether or not Larry stops blaming himself, and I hope he does, Larry will be able to move on. I believe he will be able to and I have faith in his strength too. Sandy and Jenny need him and he needs them.

I don’t know what will become of the trucking co. I don’t know if Larry will ever want to see a truck again, drive a truck again, or if he’ll continue on with the business, knowing that that’s what Larry would have wanted.

I sure had mixed emotions about flying there. I want nothing more right now than to see my family and put my arms around my big brother and his family, but once again, there’s nothing I or anyone can do. You also know how I feel about the idea of going back to New England. All those bad memories. That whole stinking place with many more curses than I could ever endure out here, just waiting to chew me up and spit me out. That climate, so cold or humid.

This whole ordeal sure has brought a slew of emotions going through my mind. The grief over losing Larry. The grief for what the hell that family must be feeling and going through. My rage towards God and his shitty, mean, cruel and unfair ways. My anger and hatred for God and his ways with this world in general, have only increased, while my anger and hatred for how he’s dealt with me have decreased. As sad, as crazy, as infuriating, and as unfair as this ordeal is, it has made my sterility easier to accept than ever before. Knowing that we’ll never have to go through this kind of grief, can only make the way I am and fate easier to deal with. For if God had allowed me to become pregnant, he’d only have killed it for sure, sometime between when I was carrying it and when it was still just a child. This is all on top of how I don’t deserve it and couldn’t handle it and would’ve been a terrible mother, whose marriage would’ve been ruined or terribly strained.

How dare God kill my nephew, though! That kid was Larry’s whole life. Why did God have to kill this young boy who had the sky as his limit and potential? He could’ve had anything he wanted, been anything he wanted. Meanwhile, he’s left me alive and brought me back from the brink of death a few times. Me. Me, who has no life and no future. Me, who’s lived her life, reached her peak, can’t go no further. Me, who has no destiny or purpose. It’s just so sick. It’s just so unfair. He was only 16.

I suppose everyone else must be feeling how I’ve been feeling. That this is just a nightmare they’re gonna all wake up from. This is one of those things you hear about happening to other people’s families. Not ours. From 3000 miles away, I can feel their tears. Feel their grief and their loss and their shock. I can hear their cries.