I know I haven’t written much. Here’s a brief rundown of things that have been going on. I’ll expand on them some other time.

We went to the library where I got some books on the life of Laura Ingalls and a Dean Koontz book.

I also checked AOL for web pages on Charlie’s Angels and more.

Andy will be over tonight at 10:00 to do his laundry and to research AOL for Stevie stuff.

Anyway, I’m now on the Slim-Fast diet plan. A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a reasonable dinner. I can have up to 3 reasonable snacks too, but I’m gonna try to avoid those.

Thinking I was having more of a period and more water coming off of me, turned out to be wishful thinking. Yes, I had somewhat more of a period than I did last month, but this water retention is just absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that my metabolism has seemed to have retired. For a couple of days, I weighed more after most of my period had gone through than I did prior to ragging. I’m still left with a huge water belly and even my tits never lost all their soreness like they usually do. So, if I have no luck with this plan I’m on, then yes, it’s time to see a doctor to see if there’s a reason for all this and if there’s anything I can do. I have a feeling, though, that this is one of the classic examples of something I have no control over. I think this is just another one of those things that God controls and not me, where he does what he sees fit with my body, and to hell with what I think, feel, or want.

I’m still trying to change my way of thinking and believing and trying to look for signs that say God’s just looking out for me, not trying to punish/hurt me. For example, back when I used to think the responsibility of a child would be good for me and seemed like something I should have/do, I never looked at it differently. Now, I see that that’s not the case. I may be an undeserving person still but take Evie, for example, who’s gonna have her baby any time now. Now that’s someone who deserves a baby and who can handle it and who really can benefit from the responsibility a child brings. She doesn’t have bad lungs, she can keep a schedule and she can work consistently. I see now, that a child wouldn’t have helped stabilize me, it would’ve killed me for sure. For I do not only not deserve it; I could never handle it and I believe more so now than ever that yes, God’s just protecting me and our marriage. He wasn’t denying me something good; he was denying me something dangerous. I can’t and won’t speak for others, but for me, he’ll do whatever he can to make sure I don’t get dished out something I can’t deal with. Even if I do have to deal with something for a while that nearly kills me and drives me out of my mind as the NHA did.

I still do fear God and am angry with him over how he deals with the world in general, but I’m not as angry with him for the way he’s dealt with me. I just hope that this “I don’t care” attitude, which I’ve been slowly evolving into, continues. It’s what I wanted for a long time and it’s easier this way. The more I couldn’t care less about what happens or doesn’t happen to me or my life, the less I feel angry or hurt when something does or doesn’t happen. I just want to be as dreamless and as goalless and as carefree as possible. To hell with ever going to a doctor, no matter how I feel. That would be going against God in a big way and asking for trouble. That’s also something that’s wrong and that I don’t deserve, as well as a hopeless thing to do.

At least I can trust God to continue to take care of me. If I’m not as sterile as I believe I am, he’ll make sure we never hit it right. Then my life can go on being easier and safer if you catch my drift. Meanwhile, there’s no point in trying to change Tom of his beliefs or to try to convince him of anything. His beliefs are of no apparent harm to us. Also, as time goes on, and he sees we’re still childless year after year, I can’t see how that would hurt or anger him in any way. He’s never been the sore loser that I had been and that I’m trying to never be again. If he can’t get something he wants, he deals with it and accepts it with such amazing strength and moves on without a problem.

I called Larry’s house and he wasn’t there. This is why I began trying to reach him a few days ago. I called him at work. The other Larry answered, saying he was in a meeting. He said Tammy called too, 10 minutes ago. I told him not to worry, since we already spoke and since I know he got my card.

Like I started to say earlier, I checked out AOL for Charlie’s Angels info. I printed out a few pictures and put them into Journal 125. In case I didn’t mention this before - Charlie’s Angels was a huge hit series in the 70s. It ran from 1976-1981. I didn’t care for the angels that replaced the original 3, but I liked Farrah Fawcett and Jaclyn Smith. However, I really, really liked Kate Jackson. It was a series about 3 sexy detectives and she was definitely the best.

I also was able to find a picture of Norah, too. These pictures printed out shitty, but it was fun playing detective and seeing what I could find, anyway.

I just tried going onto AOL to see if I got any mail from Marla and it said it was temporarily down, to please try again in 15 minutes. That’s what they said 15 minutes ago.

We went to the library Monday morning and it looks like I may have a second favorite author. Dean Koontz. I may have read one other book of his that was turned into a movie, but I’m not sure. Anyway, in two days, I read a 305-page book of his and it was great. Better than even some of John Saul’s books. The ending was a bit abrupt, though. It kind of left me hanging, wondering what was to happen. Usually, there’s some kind of epilogue, giving you some kind of idea of what may happen in the future.

Tom cleaned the tub, which I noticed when I went to take a shower. It looks beautiful and now I’m sure I can keep up on it from here on out. What did he use on it, though, that didn’t have any harsh fumes, which would’ve woken me up for sure?