Will Andy ever stop calling me every day? I mean, I appreciate his concern for me, he is like family to me, but how many times can I tell him that I’m feeling much better now and that I really prefer chatting on the phone every few days? Every day is just too much. I’m either too busy or just don’t feel like spending 1-3 hours on the phone.

He offered to take me to Denny’s earlier. He said he couldn’t afford to treat me, but his offer was nice, even though I didn’t feel like going and we didn’t have much extra cash ourselves.

Like I told him, I’ve been feeling much better over the last few days, although my beliefs and feelings about God and this world haven’t changed and they never will. I’ve definitely gone from shock to sadness to anger to rage to numbness. It’s all so hard to believe still.

Yesterday, Larry, Sandy, and Jen should’ve gotten their flowers. We sent them right to their house.

Yesterday was also the funeral and now that he’s in the ground, I hope that the rest of their lives is nothing but peace and happiness. Tom says it was an extraordinary incident, but the extraordinary has a way of touching me and my family like you wouldn’t believe. It’s like the whole family always has been and always will be cursed and unusual.

I’m going to get a hold of Lisa as soon as I can since I didn’t get to wish her a happy birthday.

I’ll also type up a letter to Kim, who should be back from Florida now, and tell her what’s happened, as well as about Gizzy.

Speaking of Gizzy, Tom got him some food that’s especially for mice, and a little pink water bottle in a holder I’ve never seen before. It’s one you put inside glass tanks. He also got him a nesting pad to claw and gnaw on and a pretty pink wheel, that’s about 6” wide. This mouse absolutely loves it! He’s been going and going non-stop. He spends 90% of his time on it.

As I mentioned, I had put my journals into plain old boring, easy-to-read fonts, cuz they’re more complete and easier to deal with. However, in my grouped journals, I changed them to different colors: blue, magenta, cyan, red, dark blue, dark green, dark red, black, and purple. That way, when I’m skimming through them, I’ll know when I’m changing journals, as the colors change. I didn’t change their single-file colors.

According to Tom, at 2 PM, while I was asleep, the freeloader based in. He said it was reasonable for being during the daytime, but if it had been at night, I might say it’d be too loud. Well, I might say that if they’re up to their old shit again, I’ll be putting an abrupt halt to it. What’s weird about it, though, is that if it was really them he heard, they had to have left again quietly, cuz there’s no car there now.

Anyway, as I’ve said a million times, sex is when he wants it. Fine, but what about last night? We had several hours of being up at the same time. So, I asked him so I could understand him and point out the fact that there are plenty of opportunities that he doesn’t take. So, he explained to me that it wasn’t cuz of me, but that he felt uncomfortable in light of the death. I understand and I told him so. That’s where we’re a bit different, but neither of us would or could change the other. When the shit hits the fan, I like to do stuff I enjoy to keep me distracted and balance out happiness/enjoyment and just keep on living. He, on the other hand, puts aside the things he enjoys till he feels better.

He also knows how I feel about fate and that it’d be silly of me to try to make things happen or not make things happen when fate is fate. In other words, I won’t worry about trying to avoid sex at certain times. I have nothing to worry about, but maybe spot attacks. I doubt it, though, cuz if that were the case, why hasn’t it happened again? I think my body’s back to the way it normally is and how it was before he began cumming.

Tom did say he wanted to have fun in the morning. Fine with me. Once again, it’s so nice not to have to drop down on my knees and beg God to please keep me safe. He’ll take care of me. He’ll make sure no babies are conceived. And once again, it’s amazing seeing how Larry’s “extraordinary” situation has helped. To know we’ll never have to have a chance to go through that does wonders for me. It’s weird how one person’s tragedy can be another’s ticket to making something much easier for them to live with. It almost makes me feel guilty. Well, it’s not that this event has made my child desire go away, but it sure as hell has made it easier than hell to know I’ll never have one.

While I hope to hell no bad things happen (what a joke, huh?), I find myself also hoping no good things happen, either, cuz that’d make me feel guilty, too. Pretend I could get pregnant. And I did. Imagine how Larry and the rest of my family would feel? They’d no doubt be like, how dare you! How dare you suck up the joy of this new life when your brother and his family just lost someone. Tom disagrees with this, though, saying they’d want good things to happen. Well, it’s true that other people have a right to live, and life must go on.

Later...

I can’t believe I forgot to write about my talk with Larry. He called last night. They’re back home now. Naturally, he sounded tired and out of it, but wasn’t crying or blaming himself to me. I let him know I love him and am thinking of him and his family and am so very sorry this happened.

To my surprise but pleasure, he even said it was 3º at that moment as if to say he could use my laugh to cheer him up. I tried to give him the laugh he loves so much and believe me, he needs all the help and cheering up he can get right now, but it was quite half-assed. I tried, though, for his sake. I’m sure he understands that in light of the situation, it wasn’t easy for me.

I also spoke to Sandy who said to just pray for him and that she hopes he’s in a better place. She said she wanted him to be remembered and how he really had a zest for life.

Lastly, I spoke to Jen and that’s it.

They all sound like they’re hanging in there and doing better. As best as anyone can do under the circumstances. The funeral will be at about 8:30 today and Dad should be on his way there now. He should arrive at Bradley Airport just after the funeral. Then sometime over the weekend, I believe, Dad and Mom will drive back home and Teresa will fly home if she hasn’t done so already.

Today’s Lisa’s birthday. What a bum way for a 14-year-old to have to spend her birthday; at her cousin’s funeral.