Just sent and got a message from Marla. She agreed that not many people would give a mouse a second chance, so she’s nicknamed him “cat,” since he’s on his second life.

She still says she hopes someday I’ll break out of the God-lets-me, God-gives-me, God-hurts-me mode, and understand that we make our own choices, but hey, I can’t help my feelings/beliefs. I still think not all choices are ours and that some of us have more control over our lives than others. I can choose what I eat, what I wear, what music I listen to, but for example, Tom and I didn’t choose to find each other. Therefore, I believe we were fated to meet. That meeting was God’s choice. Then it was our choice whether or not to do something about that meeting. Not all choices can we expand on, though. If God sterilized me, this doesn’t mean I’d have the choice of unsterilizing me, if I wanted to and believed that that was a wise idea.

She worries that I don’t look at the good in life, but believe me, I do. It’s just hard to focus on at times when things get that rough. She worries about my ability to handle things and my having someone to talk to. I don’t have a choice but to handle things and I’ve got Tom, Andy, her, and a few others to talk to.

She thanked me for the nice compliments from her “new little sister.” This is cuz I told her she was like a big sister to me, just like Andy’s like a brother, and how I appreciate her listening to me and her responses. Her posts are full of intelligence and understanding, with a good balance of a sense of humor. Especially when she said, “I got my period. God must be punishing me. (ONLY KIDDING!!!)”

I had to laugh my ass off when she said that one should be in shape during pregnancy for an easier delivery. How the hell can you be in shape during pregnancy? That’s the best way to get as out of shape as possible, cuz it does make you fat and you need that fat to provide extra nutrition for the baby. Most women still can’t lose weight after delivery, either, cuz that’s different than losing weight for other reasons, what with the way the ligaments and other things get so stretched out.

Why do she and Tom still think I’m gonna have a kid? You know how my feelings are on that subject now, and come on! It’s 1997. We’ve been together since 1993. If I wasn’t sterile, how would I conceive with my crazy schedule and with a man who’s cumming 1-3 times a month, and who needs 5 hours of free time with nothing going on, which is a very rare occasion? That’s how I know it isn’t meant to be, whether or not I want it. It’d have to be pure fate for me to conceive. God would have to have made sure that in the days of his not cumming, one made it up there and stood up there if he really wanted that for us and that’s just what he’d have done. Or made sure we hit it right between now and last July, so if we have hit it right, God’s making sure he knocks it out of me. Well, once again, after seeing Larry and Sandy go through what they’re going through, he can knock it out of me all he wants. I don’t ever want to have to go through that, and I know we would’ve had fate been different, cuz like I said, extraordinary, unusual and all that shit loves me and my family.

Marla also said it was a good feeling to be there for me and she’s glad our chats help. She says she’s amazed we’ve come this far. Me too. I’d have thought she’d have always hated me or not cared either way. She never hated me. She hates my mother, but I understand. I hate her most of the time, too.

Due to the age difference, just like with Larry and even Tammy, she wasn’t around too much. I don’t even remember her babysitting me.

Gizzy’s still adjusting well. He’s scampering away on his wheel right now. He’s still not too thrilled when I stick my hand in the cage and am gonna wait a little longer for that. He may never want to be picked up, other than in a box or that round clear ball. Mice never like people, just the things they get from them. They’re too stupid to love people like guinea pigs and rabbits can and do. When I stick my hands in the cage, he scurries around in a wild frenzy. I did let him run around in his ball the other day and he enjoyed that very much.

I talked to Tammy yesterday. They’re putting off Lisa’s birthday party till the weekend. She says the funeral went very nicely and that Ma’s taking Larry to the doctor. I hope he’ll be OK. I guess my folks are leaving this weekend. Don’t know for sure. I hope I get that article and pictures soon enough.

I told my parents of Tom’s mom’s very generous offer to fly me there if need be. They said they’d have done the same, too, if need be.

I finished the book Intensity, which was filled with just that. I’ve got two more Koontz books to read and will be starting the second one shortly.