Phoenix, AZ
Age 31

Well, 1997 came in in a rather shitty way, thanks to Mr. Melodramatic, who just has to take out how he feels on me. Hey, I’m sorry he’s so sick all the time and tired and aching, etc. But it’s not my fault he feels as he does and there’s no need or excuse for him to take it out on me.

Less than a minute before the ball was to drop, the tape ended. I was gonna restart the recorder but said nah. Then, just as it was getting real close to dropping and just as “the window” was starting to open, he had to reach across me, distracting my view of the TV and the premonitions I may have seen, to hit it recording. So I told him, no, it was fine as it was. Then he jumps up and back into his chair, rubs his hands against his head furiously, and it was just such a childish, emotional thing. I mean, can’t he listen?

So, I got all pissed off and right after the ball dropped, I left the room. A few minutes later, he comes in turning it into an attack on me, telling me I’m yelling at him every day, he’s put up with me for years, and my asthma and ear, I was blaming him for being sick, etc. He did say he was sorry he didn’t listen and that he had no idea what was happening.

I told him I was sorry he’s sick and I understood that he didn’t know I was starting to have flashes of future visions, but that I’m sick of his taking his colds out on me. Also, I never blamed him for being sick, but that’s his way of lashing back at me. He can’t just say he’s sorry. He has to blame me for some bogus thing, carry on so dramatically, and try putting a guilt trip on me, all cuz I got mad at him cuz he wouldn’t listen.

Yeah, well, I can tell you this. I get more and more psyched that God blessed me and loved me enough to give me this built-in birth control system. He couldn’t handle a kid any more than I could. He’s too tired, he’s too sick and he won’t have to put up with any more shit than I can help. If he thinks the ear and asthma are too much to deal with, how did he ever expect to deal with me being pregnant and having a kid? I think he’s just getting too old to deal with certain things and his body obviously has a low tolerance for some things, as well as a higher one.

Anyway, I still have that good feeling about ‘97, but it’s not too strong. I’ve had years start off shitty (like with 1992) to get better as it got farther along, but truthfully, I see nothing changing this year. I think everything will be the same as it has been lately, with the exception of his shift change, more money, and some new things here and there. I certainly can’t see myself working, and I know there’ll be no kid, but thank God!!!!!

I’m sorry I spent so much time being angry at God. Yes, I still think there’s too much unfairness in this world that God should control or help or whatever, but the more time goes by, the more I see he was only protecting me and doing me a favor. And Tom, too. And what makes me all the luckier, is that I didn’t have to have an unwanted child first, and then have to deal with the hassles and side effects of some kind of protection. There are enough other women out there who like me, do not desire a child, think they won’t get pregnant, and then end up with a child they never wanted only to get on some kind of protection when it is too late. Then, unlike me, they have to live through their childbearing years with the hassles and side effects that come with that.

Also, when the New Year rang in, I went out back and could hear firecrackers and people cheering.

Someone had Christmas lights wrapped around their palm tree a little ways down and it looked really pretty.

So, I hope that ‘97 brings enough peace, health, and happiness to this household. After all we’ve been through, it’s time for that.

Later...

I talked to Andy for a while. For more than a while, actually, since he keeps going on and on about Quinn and Laura. I don’t mind listening to him, though, at all.

While he’s definitely changed for the better over the last few years, there are still hints of the old Andy there. I guess we all have traits that are set for life within us. What I mean by this is that he went on and on bitching about how he and Laura had a fight like he used to bitch to Brenda and a million other people about our fights. He still confronted the source first, though, and told Laura how he felt, so that’s good. A lot of the time, he wouldn’t even come to me first in the past. I’d find out from someone else that he had a bone to pick with me. I would tell him to be careful whom he told what to. Not cuz I’d give a shit what they thought, but cuz of what they could do to me with the knowledge. People can use certain things they know about you against you. For example, if a neighbor knows you don’t like heavy metal music, and gets pissed at you, wouldn’t they be likely to blast heavy music then? If you’re interested in meeting someone and they know someone who knows about your not-too-cool background, well, then…

I think I know just what Tom’s cum smells like. I thought that if I ever got the chance to smell it, it’d smell like bleach, but it’s a weird odor I can’t even begin to describe. I remember back when he had his own room and how it’d stink in there, so I finally asked to wash his sheets. The sheets he said he washed regularly that I believe were really on the bed for many months before they were washed. After he came, though, I think I remember the room smelling like that. So, I just did his sheets, which were put on his bed last Saturday, cuz I noticed that smell and now it’s gone. So he can have fun while he’s sick, huh? I guess it’s easier for him to do himself, rather than go through the motions of screwing me at his age and with being sick.

As much as there are a million things I love about Tom, he still has a few traits that really piss me off. He told me he has no regrets about dealing with my ear and other stuff, even if it was tiring on him, but he felt that I couldn’t deal with his being sick. Yes, it’s true. I do admit I’ve been a lousy wife and nurse and I haven’t done shit to make him better. All I’ve done is suggest cold stuff, seeing a doctor, and I’ve made him some hot chocolate. I made kugel (spelling?) for the first time last night, too, which came out good. He had some, too.

I did tell Tom, though, don’t come to me, as he did a couple of nights ago, and tell me what a wonderful wife I’ve been and how great a job I’ve done at taking care of him and helping him through his colds when we both know it’s bullshit. I don’t like the casual lies. An example of that is his pickup-after-me obsession. I walked up to their cage and found their water bowl in the middle of it and not at the end and out of their way. So I asked him if he knew about it and he said he saw the water was empty, filled it, and then put it back in the same dent in the sawdust made by the bowl. Now, unless Bunny moved it, that is quite an obvious and casual lie and Tom knows that all a person has to do is just deny something they’re accused or asked about and what else can one do? Just not believe them.

I can’t even ask him for little things like to please not get crumbs on his chair in the living room. They end up on his chest and he stands up and then they fall off here, there, and everywhere. And I can’t even ask him to stop getting crumbs on the keyboard and mouse pad, cuz that’s such a big deal, too. He can’t even do that and what pisses me off even more is that he says he tries his best. Well, I’m sorry, but he’s much too intelligent to not be able to do this. And then I’m even more pissed off at the fact that he can’t just come out and tell the truth and tell me he doesn’t want to do what I asked of him. I hate it when someone says they’ll do something they don’t want to do, rather than just tell me they don’t want to do it. We all have our quirks and obsessions, so why he has to deny/hide this, beats me.

I feel pretty bad for Andy. Guess that new dealer didn’t work out, so now he’s still running to Quinn for weed. He’s still having a hard time getting over him. I told him that we all go through different phases in our lives and I think he knows that dreams are for the dreamer and that reality is for the living.

At least I can say that as far as my life goes, I’ve never felt better in a long time. It’s so nice to be “dreamless” for a change. I can handle things I think about a lot or imagine a lot or think I might like to do or that may be nice, but it is such a relief not to have to be burdened and tortured with a constant desire that’s impossible to act on and make real, 24/7. The anger, the depression, the frustration, was just too damn much. I thought it’d never let me go and out of its vice-like grip for a while there. I must’ve done something right along the way that God really agreed with, for him to let me off the hook and get out of doing my so-called womanly duty.

Anyway, Tom agreed to call a doctor if he gets sick again, and until and if I see differently, I know that after he’s better for a few days, he’s just gonna get sick all over again. He’s exposed to a lot of sick people at work and Ryan was sick at Christmas. How rude of him. He knew he was sick, yet he had to stand over Tom at the computer and breathe all over him. I still can’t believe I haven’t been sick yet, but God help me if I do get sick, cuz guess who may very well be paying me back?! He says he doesn’t lash out at those who lash out at him or give them what he got from them, but I never believed that for the most part, either. Once again, though, all he has to do is deny that. That way there’s no having to deal with my reaction and then he can keep on denying whatever, too.

He’s watching TV now and I’ve just been staying the hell away from him. I don’t want any bullshit now.

I can see, though, more and more what a shitty mother I’d have made if God wasn’t looking out for me. I’d be terrible at taking care of it if it were well, let alone sick. I wouldn’t even know what to do with the thing.

Later...

Everyone’s sick! Tom’s mom is sick, too. He says he thinks he had a cold and then got hit with the flu. That happens, but after this, what will he be hit with? I know God may have a lot of love for us and things to bless us with, but all must be balanced out, and he does like to give us one thing after another to have to deal with.

He just offered to play a few card games which he won all of. So that was nice and now he’s in bed.

I feel like I’m forgetting to write about something else I had in mind, but can’t remember it at this time.