I’ve got good news and bad news, but I’ll get the bad news out of the way first.

I’m so sick of Tom getting me all confused, frustrated and even angry. I’m fed up with his contradictions. I’m fed up with him saying one thing in one breath and then something just the opposite in the next breath. Will he ever make up his mind and stick to it? Will he ever make up his mind as to how I can act, be, feel or what I can say? The story’s changing all the time and to be frank, I’m pretty damn sick of it.

He told me that my expressing my depression over not having a child and my fears and doubts about it is fine, it’s when I blow up about it that turns him off and puts him in a not-so-good mood. Well, which is it? For fuck’s sake, which is it?! I still really wonder if he doesn’t like playing with my head and putting guilt trips on me. I wish he’d stop jerking me around and stop trying to change me, while he denies doing this. Does he get a kick out of this? Another thing that makes me wonder about him is how he said he knew it’d make me mad, but he wanted to get a home pregnancy test for me, then he proceeded to tell me why. That’s fine, but if he knew it’d make me mad or upset me in any way, why’d he bring it up then? If I can’t express anything I feel or want why is it OK for him to?

It started when I was lying on the couch in a bummed mood. It showed, I guess, cuz when he came out of the shower, he asked what was wrong. All I said, in a calm tone of voice was, “I’m bummed out cuz I didn’t conceive this month and I’m still afraid I’m sterile.” 

Then he goes on to say that just cuz I didn’t conceive this month, doesn’t mean I can’t some other month. First of all, how did he know I didn’t conceive like I know? He did say we can’t know for sure, but for the most part, he seems to agree with me, as if he too, has the same sixth sense I do.

Anyway, the point of it is, is then he got all upset and frustrated, implying and making me feel like I was burdening him by being upset, wasting our time for life and sex, and that we haven’t had sex enough for me to go making a big deal out of it and that getting pregnant isn’t something I should even consider when we screw. It should be just for fun, he says, and it is for fun, but how can I not make a big deal out of something that is a big deal to me? And how can I not consider getting pregnant when we have sex? What, does he think I am a little switch that can control what’s a big deal to me and what I consider? Wasn’t it him that said to accept myself as a whole emotionally? He said to accept my feelings. And wasn’t it him who said we weren’t switches? How can I make my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and beliefs any different than what they are? I can’t help what’s a big deal to me and what I consider, want or hope for. I admit I haven’t always handled these feelings or moods too well, but I did nothing wrong tonight. He asked me what was wrong. I told him.

And as far as us not having lots of sex as he mentions. It’s true. We don’t have lots of sex, but as far as I’m concerned, this is a decision he made and that he himself only made. It’s almost like he’s trying to put a guilt trip on me with that and like he won’t give me sex, depending on what I’m saying, feeling, or being. Can I ever say, feel or do anything that doesn’t turn him off? Everything turns him off. Well, if this is the case, I will be a little switch then, keep my mouth shut, not look sad, not have it be a big deal to me and not consider a kid when we screw. This is what he wants, so if this is how I have to be and act to please him, I guess I don’t have a choice then. I’m tired of fighting with him. I’m tired of him having me feel worse when I’m already in a bad mood. I’m tired of his changing his story as to what is OK and acceptable for me to say, feel and be when I’m around him. He may as well come out and say, “Be a good little girl and I’ll give you more sex. Act, feel and say what I want you to and then there’ll be nothing to fight about and feel worse about.”

Never before have I ever been more reluctant to talk to him. I almost feel, now, that he’s not good enough to talk to and certainly not worth it. He says it’s OK and that he can handle it. Bull fucking shit! I’m sick of shit happening like what happened yesterday, too. Teasingly I said I’ve just got to see him get off when he just did so only 3 days earlier. He didn’t get off, as I figured, and then he blamed it on me by saying he tried too hard and that he was “too challenged.” Oh please! If someone’s really that horny and wants to get off that bad, they can. He just wasn’t in the mood, was too tired, and he knew it.

Well, I’ll be his good little girl, give him what he wants, cuz I can’t and won’t take this bullshit from him ever again. I’m sick of him denying things he says, exaggerating, changing stories, and pinning his problems or actions on me, making me feel like I’m the one to blame. Then when I confront him with something, he turns it into an attack on me, says I’m the one that did what I accused him of doing, or denies doing what I accused him of doing, or tries to justify what I accused him of doing, then fights with me.

Maybe in 5 years, when he still sees I’m not able to conceive, and if he suggests seeing a doctor, I should tell him, “What’s the big deal? If you didn’t mention it just now, I would’ve been pregnant, but now I don’t even want to have sex with you that much. You’re burdening me, turning me off and it’s your fault.” Then see how he likes it. Of course, contrary to what he says, in 5 years, he’ll still say I’m OK and that we still just didn’t hit it right, cuz we didn’t have sex enough and cuz of the way I am.

Another thing I’m sick of is how he gets all hot and bothered at something I didn’t hear him say or didn’t understand and I get accused of not listening or caring or deliberately twisting his words. Yet when I politely ask him to put something back in its place or whatever, he doesn’t do it and he ignores me as if he didn’t hear or listen to a damn word I said. He told me he meant it when he said I could blame him for anything. Stuff like a gang shoot-out in another state. Then he said he hoped I’d take it upon myself to not blame him for things he didn’t do. Well, I meant it when I told him he could ignore my requests, but had hoped he’d take it upon himself to listen and to care enough. Not do it only half the time, then say he tries his best when I know he’s too intelligent for that. This is a major obsession with him. That and instilling patience in me, etc. It makes me want to hang up sex again. I mean, I’m just tired of the fucking complications that go with it and tired of this never-ending bullshit. He won’t end this bullshit, so I guess I’m gonna have to, by doing what I said I’d do. If I just be a good girl, then I won’t have to put up with his contradictions and his ways of making me feel when I get upset and express myself. Then, he’ll have to think of some other thing I’m doing or some other reason as to why we can’t have lots of sex.

Later...

Now my typical weight is 106-108. Shit! Fuck! Damn!

OK, here’s the good news. Well, I think that for the first time since I’ve been here, my parents are about as serious as can be about coming out here. They called right after I got their package, which was really nice. They sent about 7 flags. A parrot, flowers, Snoopy, ballet slippers and a musical one. This is the same musical one I once had and really liked, but storms tattered it. The ballet one is gorgeous. Much more so than the catalog showed, cuz it’s not only got colors and a subject I like but it’s got pink glittery lines throughout it and it’s really pretty.

They also sent a way better and sturdier pole of metal, a metal bracket, some makeup and nail polish and a matching necklace and bracelet.

Then they asked me if we’d discussed what we were going to do for his vacation. I told them that I was just about to tell them in my letter to them that I’d let them know where we stood at the end of March. She said not to change our CA plans for them, which was nice, then I told them that it’s not that we’d never get out there, but I really wanted them to come out here. Then Dad asked me how I felt about them coming separately. Fine. In fact, that’s better. Gives me more time alone with each of them. Naturally, Ma would drive out and Dad would fly out. They really liked the golf course (Castles & Coasters) that they saw on the video we shot and sent them. They also would stay in a motel. That’d make us all feel more comfortable. Dad asked which one of them I wanted out first. 

“You,” I said. 

Then we were teasing Ma about how Dad and I get along better and I commented on how Dad and I have more in common. She agreed. There was more joking around when Dad said to take care of Ma when she came out. Oh yeah, we’ll chain her to the bottom of the pool. I also told Dad that maybe we could stop at Andy’s house or have him come over here. Or, I can use all that makeup Ma sent to dress him up in drag and send him over there. Then I said to flip a coin and decide who came out first. They told me to flip a coin, then to pick who was heads and who was tails. Dad was tails and that’s exactly what I flipped (no lie). Then Dad said that if he came first, he’d just be able to bring a suitcase of clothes, but Ma would be able to pack a lot of goodies for me. So, I told them to choose what month they came out and who went first, while I had Tom check into motels with a restaurant and a pool that was nearby and on the first floor.

I hope that when they’re here, they’ll patiently let me show them all the things I want to show them. And I hope this is it, too, and that they’re seriously gonna come out here.

They say the best time for them to come out is during their tourist season which is from around April till late September.

Dad asked, “What do you wear out there in the summer? Little things, skimpy things?” 

I reminded him that I’m not so little anymore, but yeah, I can still wear short shorts and halter tops, camisoles, tanks, etc. It depends on where I am and who’s around.

I think that’s it as far as my nice chat with my folks goes and again, if I remember anything else, I’ll jot it down.

Andy left a message last night saying he was totally into the journal, is already up to July and doesn’t want it to end. This makes me happy to hear.

Later...

Another thing that pisses me off about Tom is how he said he’d get his faucet washers from his ma’s place to put on our kitchen one that leaks really bad, but did he get them when he was over there yesterday? No, of course not. I wish he’d do for us what he does for others. I mean, he’ll do a thorough job, non-stop, on time for others, but not for us.