Things still haven’t been too cool at all. If I wrote down every little thing we said or that I thought, I’d have 100 pages. So, I’ll try to cover the basics, cuz I no longer want to drag this on and on. I just want to put it behind me and move on.

I did something that I regret more than anything. Very bad judgment call. I read Tom what I’ve written over the last few days or so and talked with him and freaked out and had to have him come home from work. In making all these mistakes, I fucked our lives up by having us lose much-needed money, I added stress on top of the stress that he already has, and I frustrated him, brought him down and all we did was fight.

He still believes that yes, I want a child, and am upset we haven’t had one, but that’s not the main issue. The issue is that I have a psychological problem that’s making me depressed and therefore, making other things issues in my mind that aren’t really issues. He believes I’d feel this way for a different reason if we had a kid and that I’ve been delusional (thinking I’m sterile, thinking God was punishing me, just like I thought he was lying and deliberately not cumming before last July). He also says I’ve been selfish, spoiled, taking fits like a little kid, incapacitated, and having him have to take care of me and be a father too, besides a husband.

He’s absolutely right.

He said, “What kind of emotions do you think went through my head when I heard that my mother lay in that house helpless for 18 hours till someone came to help her?” 

He never shed a tear. He never went into a fit of yelling, crying, blaming God, getting delusional and he remained independent and took care of himself. He didn’t start to cut himself like I did. He didn’t think or talk about dying. He just accepted how he felt and the situation at hand and he dealt with it as a responsible, reasonable, reliable, mature, unspoiled, and unselfish grown-up that he is.

He said it’s OK to talk, to ask for help, to feel and believe as I do. I know what he means, but the very bottom line is this: I’ve got to stop these tantrums. He let himself feel what he felt when his mom got sick. He didn’t act spoiled by trying to change his sad emotions into happy ones and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing - not accepting myself. Instead, I’ve been carrying on like an asshole that’s spoiled, selfish and immature.

When I asked him how he coped so well with his emotions, he said the cold hard truth is, he’s not spoiled. He accepts it when he’s sad and doesn’t selfishly try to fight it off to be happy. Part of accepting myself completely is accepting the sadness I so often feel. Not trying to “get happy” and have stuff, like a child, just so I can be happy and have what I want. That would be wrong, unfair to the kid, and be an act of selfishness and downright spoiled.

I’ve got to learn to shut up, feel as I feel, want what I want, stop taking hysterical fits, and stop being selfish and spoiled. Stop fucking up our lives and being dependent on him to take care of me and father me.

What he meant by the taking care part is that it’s OK and nice that I do his laundry, but don’t wake him up halfway through his sleep or call him at work to ask him to gather up his laundry so I can do it. That’s wrong, fucking up our lives and being a selfish, spoiled, immature, asshole.

As for the delusions. Alright, maybe it was wrong and uncalled for for me to blame God for bad things that happened. Cuz if I’m being punished, then the whole world is, cuz I’m not the only one who has to deal with life’s ups and downs. We all do.

As for the sterility. Maybe he’s right about my being fertile. I have all the parts and haven’t had any problems, so maybe I am fertile and the only reason why I haven’t conceived is cuz of my emotional and psychological state. He says that’s why I don’t sleep normally. So maybe it’s not necessarily a question of sterility, but a question of sanity and my mentality. Yes, I still do believe, though, that God is the one who gives the OK or the rejection slip to those of us who want kids or even those of us who don’t. He decided who reproduces, and therefore, a person’s life and physical and mental state are irrelevant. For the most part, it is, anyway, and even if I were wrong about God cursing me or hurting me in any way that still doesn’t mean I agree with his ways and think he’s fair.

This isn’t something I convinced myself of but realized more so than ever before. That it would be very selfish, spoiled and very wrong of me to have a child, given my mental state. It wouldn’t be fair to have the kid exposed to my condition. Especially if I’ll only continue to be this way with a child, as he’s said. It’s OK to want a kid. That’s how I feel and probably always will and I have to accept that. It’s not OK to go and have a child, though, just cuz I want one. Gotta protect that kid from me and the only way to protect that kid from me is to not have that kid. After thinking about it, no, I probably wouldn’t have been a Dureen and sometimes, and in some ways, I would’ve been a good mom. But I’d be a lousy mom, as well, and that would take away from and override the times I was a good mom. I do worry slightly about God allowing me to conceive, now that I want one, but don’t want to have one for various reasons, but that shouldn’t happen if I am responsible and get on birth control.

As for me calling him a liar. The only reason I can think of as to why I did that was cuz of all the other liars I’ve known, but that was still no excuse and I was wrong. I should’ve taken my husband for face value.

We did discuss me seeing a counselor or shrink, but due to the fact that there are no magic words they can say to me or any magic pill they can give me, I’ll not be weak and run to them like a spoiled, selfish, immature kid who needs her hand held. I want to be strong, I must be strong and deal with this myself, change myself and my ways for the better, and quit this constant rage and sadness. And should I continue to be sad and angry for whatever reason, I must not keep taking fits and being delusional and selfish and spoiled about it and fuck up our lives and drag him down with me. Gotta keep functioning and independent. His job is to be my husband, not take care of me. My job is to be his wife, not depend on him.

If and when he should ever want sex again, that’s gonna be hard. I still feel that sex just comes between us and can and does cause problems. However, I want to make my husband happy and do what he wants, as I told him. We’ve done enough for me.

Also, this is kind of irrelevant, since I cannot and won’t have a kid with the way I am, no matter how much I want to, but it’s a rag update. Yesterday I had a feeling that each rag would get lighter and lighter, then maybe even stop. He then brought that up later too, saying that I’d be pregnant when it stopped. Well, I don’t know why it has to get lighter, then stop. I thought it’d be normal, then stop. How would my body be that smart and know it was trying to conceive? He said everyone’s different, but that’s just how my case would be. I still think my body’s had bad reactions to his cum, or weird ones. I don’t know if this is medically possible, but it is ironic that my periods flipped out once he started cumming. He said he expected this and that this was understandable and even normal. I also think that OK, I’m a psychological screw-up, and things happen in life to upset me, but I think last August I went on the same emotional trip. If I remember right, though, back then I was bitchier, this time I’m more depressed. I think the more abnormal my periods are, the more they tend to play on my emotions, as the hormones, or whatever the hell, get more thrown off.

Then when I woke up 8 hours ago, I was gushing for a few hours. It was much stronger than the last two periods. He said that’s OK, though, there are other factors as well, and that he figured would happen last summer. Such as the fact that I didn’t need any Ibuprofen and the way my period started off really weird with a few spots, then nothing for 30 hours.

When I woke up with the hard flow, I even weighed 102, but that was just for 5 minutes. I’m back to the usual 104 now.

He also told me more about Mom’s sister Margaret. Well, from what I hear, she’s downright crazy. Yeah, I figured that. She sends Mom money when Mom has 10 times more money than she’ll ever have. She goes out to the store for stuff she needs but is quite a hermit. She bought Mom a dryer she didn’t need and has the money for if she did. 

I was on Mercy Care when I was on disability and she’s got about $18,000 in the bank with her social security and savings. Well, she went to apply for Mercy Care. She saw a commercial on TV for it and decided she wanted it. Naturally, they told her when she applied for it that she made too much money for it, so now she’s trying to get rid of her money so she can have it. Good, God!

How can that guy across the street and next to us sleep? Or anyone around him? His poor dog’s been barking now for 45 minutes. Something about Arizona makes people cruel to their animals. His trailer company still hasn’t been around. And next door’s still deserted. Tom thinks the city owns the house and rents it to people and there doesn’t need to be a rent sign up, either. I wonder why the two dogs sound much louder than the one dog that that old guy has? Even when just one of the two dogs bark, it’s much louder than the guy’s one dog, yet the guy’s one dog is closer to us. Maybe it’s just cuz these two dogs are huge. These are also guard dogs, too.