Two nights ago I had an excellent talk with my brother. We talked about so much and I could tell it was the first time since Larry died, that he really poured his feelings out. They should talk to each other and I hope they do and I’m glad to hear he’s not working as much, but sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who isn’t going through the exact same thing.

He mostly talked about how he’s pissed off at Tammy, and even kind of pissed off at Mom and Dad. I agreed with, can relate to, can understand everything he said. The only thing we don’t agree on is my belief that if we had a child who died, they wouldn’t come out here. He thinks they would. That’s what Tom thinks, too.

He wasn’t too thrilled at all about Tammy and Bill going to the hospital (I didn’t know Bill went, too). He called Dad the morning it happened, so he was pissed at Mom and Dad for telling Tammy to go to the hospital and to go to his in-law’s house in E. Longmeadow. I don’t know if they told her to go to the hospital, but he was pissed that she went there, cuz as he said, he hates Tammy, thinks she’s a loud, boisterous, phony, lying, exaggerating, asshole, and he doesn’t want to see her or to talk to her on the phone. He says he regrets going to see her and admits he only did it to please Mom and Dad. He said I, on the other hand, had a lot of problems in the past, but have turned into a good person. Yeah, well, I reminded him that I’m still not perfect.

What he complained about Mom, Dad, and Tammy saying/doing is nothing new. It’s something I’ve seen, heard, and dealt with, too, and I let him know that if I ever dumped Mom, Dad, and Tammy, it’s got nothing to do with him. Just like I told Lisa that if her mom and I were ever not talking, it had nothing to do with her or her sisters. Larry and I have come to know now, that if we’ve got a problem with one another, we can sit down and discuss it like two grown adults. Unlike Tammy, I know you can’t make someone want to associate with you, so I promised him that if he ever decided again for some reason that he didn’t want anything to do with me, not only must that remain a permanent thing, but that I’d respect and accept that and I promised not to call or write to him. I’ve learned to see and know when I’m not wanted or liked and I don’t want to bother with anyone who doesn’t want me around or like me. I’d rather be told to fuck off than to have the person “act nice.”

When Tammy told me that Jen told her she didn’t want to lose her too, please don’t go, I knew that was bullshit. I had mentioned this to Larry (now that we can keep stuff between us and trust each other) and he said that that’s bullshit, Jen doesn’t know her, can’t stand what little she does know about her, and that’s not her style to say something like that. Yeah, I figured. This isn’t the first time Tammy’s lied, exaggerated, or denied something she really did say, either. Mom and Dad are like this, too, but what he didn’t like about Mom and Dad, is something they’re well known for. Tammy’s bitched about this plenty of times and they used to do the same thing to me when I lived there. They say they’ll be around for a certain amount of time, but they end up not staying for even half of the time they said they’d stay. Even Larry agrees, there’s no reason why they couldn’t come out here. They could shut down their store and have someone take in those fucking dogs. It’s just not worth it to them, but the good about it is that I don’t have to deal with their shit in person. He said he’s shut down his business for a couple of weeks periodically when he’s had stuff to do or when he’s gone on vacation.

He said Dad said they’d stay around as long as he needed them. Then he told them he could really use their help (I think pertaining to the business), but then he said they were leaving the following day. Then, he found out they were still there, out having lunch with their friend they see all the time in Florida.

Typical, typical Mom and Dad too, to tell Larry to “get over” this tragedy. You can’t tell someone how to deal with something and what to think, believe, feel and do. Everyone’s different and everyone goes at their own individual pace and has their own way of handling things. They tell me not to tell Tom’s mom what to do, but it’s OK to tell their own kids what to do who are 31 and 43, huh?

As for Tammy, yes, she was really truly sorry that this happened and did want to be of any help she could be, but she used this as another opportunity to push her way into Larry, Sandy and Jen’s lives. All the while she’d exaggerate about her life (her job mainly), and treat her kids like shit, like she usually does, with the constant yelling, threats and cut-downs. She said really loud at the house in E. Longmeadow, something about Lisa having PMS, and then Larry said she said something about Lisa seeing what kind of damage a mother with PMS can do. That is so low. And a hell of a place to say something like that.

One of the things I always admired about Larry is how good of a dad he always was. He never laid a hand on his kids and he didn’t become another statistic. He didn’t carry on that abusive cycle and for it, he had one great kid and has one great kid. I’m not saying little Larry was perfect or that he, Sandy and Jen are perfect, but I think most kids would die to have parents like Larry and Sandy. This world needs many more parents like them. They’re very few. Way too few.

Yeah, I always knew that if I could’ve had a child, Tammy and Mom would play Mothers of the Century and make me feel like an incompetent freak who couldn’t handle it. It’s up to me to decide and tell myself what I can and can’t handle for we are our own best critics. If we’re honest with ourselves, only we can know what we can and can’t do and sometimes we can’t even know that, without trying something and without experiencing something. We all thought I couldn’t handle a relationship, but I proved myself and them wrong. However, I still don’t think I could be a good mother, even if I knew I wouldn’t be as bad as Mom and Tammy were/are.

I don’t know if he’s gonna dump Mom and Dad, but he isn’t calling them every day like he used to. I guess he’ll just talk to them when they call, but from what I gather, he’ll never call or see Tammy again. He said that the last time she called he was nice and polite and just told her he didn’t want to talk now, rather than come out and tell it like it is. I suggested he tell people what he really feels. That’s the only way, usually, and if he wants Tammy out of his life, he’s gonna have to tell her. One phone call will do it.

I was cracking up over one thing he said. I told him that Tammy told me that he seemed really out of it in the hospital and unaware of her presence. He then told me that despite the shock and misery he was in, he was playing more out of it than he really was, to get her to leave. That’s two of us in the family that can act.

This is what brought an idea to mind. I sent Larry this idea in my letter to him, cuz I thought about it after our talk, didn’t want to be another Tammy and bug him when he’s still not able or wanting to talk so much. The idea was for me to call him 3-way, then call Tammy. He could hit a button to let me know he was there and I’d say I accidentally hit a button. Then I’d tell Tammy I got a surprise person on my party line but wasn’t gonna tell her who it was till they returned from the bathroom that they just had to run to. Then I could casually bring up how cool it was of Jenny to have supposedly said this bullshit and she’ll say something like, “Yeah,” or “I know.” That’s when Larry can butt in, say he heard that, as he returned from the bathroom, and that that’s bullshit. Then she’s all his and he can have the floor and I’ll act like I don’t know what’s going on or what the big deal is. Then, when he’s ready to ditch her off the line, I’ll tell Tammy I’ll call her back sometime (of course when I do, I’ll have to act like the sympathetic sister who doesn’t know what’s going on). Larry may feel this isn’t worth the bother, but on the other hand, it’s the only way he’ll get her to fess up. Also, giving her a piece of his mind may make him feel better and, I admit, I think it’d be pretty funny. She’d only deny saying this to me about Jen if he were to ask her, anyway, and I still think she may have really told Mom and Dad about what I told her about our past sex life when she was in Florida. Why else would Ma include sex on her ‘do not discuss’ list? She was speaking for Tammy. I haven’t discussed anything sexual with them since before I ever came out here and believe me, I regret doing so in the past, and I never would again.

I really see the excellent possibility of my dumping Mom, Dad, and Tammy within the next few years. I just can’t keep stomaching their BS and they’re just not my type of people to associate with. About all I’d miss are the packages of goodies they send and my chats with Lisa, but as soon as Lisa’s out of that house, that’d be different.

I also laughed when Larry told me Ma said she wanted us all to get together for her 50th anniversary. Larry told her to keep dreaming. No shit! And where would we all get together and how does she think we could all conveniently do this? I mean, Tom’s got to work. He doesn’t have the luxury of having his own business that he could shut down in the event of a vacation or something like that like they do.

Also, Larry said she told him she was coming out here this summer. Yeah, right! It’s news to me and I told him she says that every 6 months to a year. I wish she and Dad would just come out and tell us they don’t ever want to come out here and they shouldn’t ever come out here if their hearts aren’t in it. That’d be unfair to both them and us. I don’t want them out here just cuz I’m their daughter if it’s not what they really want.

Later...

Well, well, UPS just delivered the pictures. I didn’t know UPS worked on holidays. Anyway, they sent a big picture in a frame with the two Larrys, Jen and my folks. I wish my folks weren’t in that one. My folks pretty much look the same, but my dad sure is a hefty one. Big Larry’s aged a bit and has gained weight. Little Larry is skinny like big Larry used to be, but he looks a lot like Sandy and Jen is a carbon copy of Sandy.

They also sent tons of pictures of their store (only they can send tons of pictures of stuff they’re into). There were a few shots of their condo, as well as a few others of the Larrys and Jen. I put one of little Larry and Jen into the picture frame ma sent with the journals.

So, tomorrow I’ll send my folks a letter and in it, I thanked them, of course. I’ve also got two envelopes going to Larry too, and I let him know I had an idea enclosed in them.

These last few days have been peaceful and productive. We had fun yesterday and he got off.

Back to my conversation with Larry. Well, I think I’ve covered the basics, but am bound to remember other details, which I’ll add in when and if I do.

I couldn’t resist calling Tammy after I called Larry and telling her how we had a long chat. You could hear the shock and envy in her voice, but all she asked was how he was doing. I told her he was hanging in there, as he said. Of course, if she had asked what we discussed, I certainly wasn’t gonna say, “Oh, just that you’re a liar and an exaggerating, phony bitch.”