Wow. The Jeep came in next door and I didn’t hear it. I had just checked outside about a half-hour ago to see if there was a slight chance my package could be there and there was no Jeep. Then I looked one last time and there was the Jeep. Just when I thought I’d never see that thing again, too. I hope they won’t be here all weekend. I’ll be asleep till the late afternoon, but still, I hope they won’t suddenly decide to party after all this time or blast music. I doubt it, though. They seem to have fallen into a pattern over the last several months and my guess is that they’ll take off tomorrow and the Jeep won’t be around for another series of days or weeks.

The fact that I no longer have to worry about the bass and can go to bed without worrying and don’t have to worry about parties, screaming, ball games, is such a relief. The amount of relief is tremendous. The last several months have been the quietest since I’ve been here, omitting the two dogs that have barked on and off since I’ve been here. Also, I don’t know for sure what pattern this little trailer dog will fall into yet, either.

Nevertheless, if next door could be here and be the way they’ve been since last October, till we move, I’d be thrilled! Also, I don’t think their place really is for rent. If it were for rent, why are they still there, even if they’re not there very often? You’d think it wouldn’t be for rent till they moved and then you’d think I’d see and hear the city, or whoever, come in to clean it and fix it up. I just hope things stay the way they have been, but again, this is too good to be true and it’s bound to end any time now. Then I guess God will have to decide whether he wants to give me ball-playing, screaming kids, dogs or bass.

Speaking of God, is he going to change his mind and let me conceive this weekend? Yes, I do ask stupid questions, don’t I?

I’m still nervous about this weekend cuz I’m in that time frame now. My guess is that I’m pretty sure he won’t cum. I’ve come to realize something about Tom. Yes, he may really truly believe we’ll have a kid, just like he believes he’s gonna do this and that around the house or whatever, but it’s just one of those things that always gets talked about, but not done. I also can see, like I’ve said before, that when it’s too late to conceive, he’ll just say we never got around to it for such reasons as time or timing, just like with other things. He’ll never admit he or we couldn’t get me pregnant or do other household projects cuz of something wrong with us. It’ll be cuz of life itself.

I also realized something about me. That even if I were OK and he came more than enough, this brain of mine would never be able to get my body to conceive. What I mean by this, is how our psychological and emotional state is so connected to our physical state and vice versa. With my mind racing the way it usually does and my hyperness and ADD, I don’t see how a person like me could relax enough to conceive in the first place. So, if I weren’t a DES daughter, I’d consider this as a damn good reason for sterility, in spite of what’s God’s will and fated to be.

I also get a bit nervous as we get closer to March 5th. I just hope he’s right and that I’m OK. I also hope I won’t need to do this 3 times and believe me, I won’t. Lastly, I hope to hell I’m not ragging then. If I’m on a 28-day cycle this month, then I should be mid-cycle today and not ragging till the 7th. As far as I can see, he’s never cum 14 days prior to a period. If he had, that’d really spell sterility loud and clear. It seems that something’s determined to make us miss it, but why? There’s nothing to miss, cuz I’m still not even sure my eggs do pop out OK and that I ovulate. Still, if you told someone that a woman’s man cums in her about every two weeks for the last 8 months, the first question would be, “How come she didn’t get pregnant? She should’ve by now.” No one can keep missing it like that unless something is wrong and unless that isn’t meant to be.

I don’t know if we have extra money for this now, but I’m also glad Tom won’t be getting a pregnancy test at the end of this month. How do I know this? I just know Tom. 90% talk.

I don’t believe this! I can hear that fucking trailer dog. But the trailer’s not even there. I don’t know what went on this morning or what time the trailer left, but the trailer hasn’t been there since I’ve been up and I got up at 2:30. I hope to hell that the trailer people didn’t give this dog to that guy. That guy already has a dog, though. Why don’t people out here allow their dogs in their houses?! He’s just your typical non-caring neighbor. No, typical non-caring person. I’ll bet that due to people’s obsession with being opposite-doers and their obsessions with pushing their noise (of different sources) onto others, he’ll go out of his way to have the dog bark more often. I should’ve known better. I wouldn’t be surprised if the trailer people gave him their dog just so he could stick it on me. That’s desperately sick!

A couple of other things: Tom picked Steven up at the airport today. He’ll be with Mom at her house, so she won’t be stopping here this weekend.

The Jeep left again and it left quietly.

Later...

I just had a weird idea, in which weird events followed. I feel stupid admitting this, and I’m surprised at myself, but I’ve been steadily praying to God again for a child. Tom and others said that sometimes you have to ask God for something over and over in order to up your chances of getting it. It was his answering my prayer about trapping Gizzy that inspired me, even though I’m sure I’d have caught Gizzy without praying. I’ve been praying to God, telling him that I just couldn’t seem to help us, that we haven’t had any luck on our own, and that we need his help. We need him to help us help ourselves. Also, I knew he had the power to make sure that the next time my husband had an orgasm, to make sure one of his sperm fertilized one of my eggs, plant it in my uterus, and leave it there for 9 months. Lastly, I told him that it seemed that this is what we’re going to need him to do to help us, then it’s all up to us to take it from there and that that’s just what we’d do.

Anyway, I got an idea and told God a little while ago that I promised not to write letters to or speak to noisy neighbors about their music, kids or dogs ever again and that I promised to try to be a better person if he’d let my husband and I have the child we so desperately want. I told him that I understand that he gives most of the world children without expecting anything in return and that if I needed to earn and even deserve a child, so be it. I figured that it may make a difference in his eyes if I were to give something in order to hope to get something from him for I am not most people who have kids handed to them on a silver platter. If I have to be one of those who has to try, to beg, to give, fine.

Then I realized that maybe the dog being back and starting up was a present from God for me praying and then I said to myself, “Uh-oh. You screwed up and just sunk yourself big time. The reason for the dog’s return is cuz you prayed to God and you know he doesn’t like you or like to hear from you.”

So then I sat down and I told God what I suspected and that I knew that he had his mind made up about that, whether or not I prayed, whether or not Tom came a lot or a little. I told him then that I’d go out back and that if I heard the dog, I’d take it as his way of saying, “You’re right. I don’t like you, don’t want to hear from you, I’m not on your side and I’ll never give you anything you really want badly, no matter what.” 

Then I told him that if I didn’t hear the dog, I’d take it as his way of saying, “I do like you. I do hear you. I am on your side and maybe I’ll even grant you yours and your husband’s dream.”

So, I then got up and went out back. All was silent. I said to myself that I’d give it a few minutes. So I stood in the chilly, yet beautiful night, with the moon shining brightly and with the stars twinkling above me and I realized that I could just be playing a game with myself and having another one of those wishful thinking attacks, or this could be as real as I wished and hoped it was. Guess time will tell.