Hey, I guess they are still there next door. Almost an hour ago I heard them leave; no music. I’ll have to ask Tom if they came blasting in last night and if they did, it didn’t wake me up and they’re really lucky! I hope they’ll be gone for the weekend. When they’re here on weekends, that means the potential for parties and the 5-cast is to be beautiful. In a day or two, it’s to hit 80º.

I didn’t get the pictures, but hopefully today.

I just talked to Andy a short while ago, but he didn’t keep me on forever, cuz he fell asleep on me.

I showered and put makeup on. Makeup makes me feel better and more attractive. I should wear it more often, although Tom says I look better without it. Well, we both feel more comfortable with me wearing a little bit, I guess. I don’t like too much or bright or dark colors on me with me being fair-skinned. I look too clownish with certain amounts and colors.

I left Tom an email for Valentine’s and with blue text on a pink background I wrote: Happy Valentine’s Day!!!! I love you!!!!!

To my utter amazement, we screwed yesterday. I did so without any nervousness or fear and boy was I horny and boy did I want it! As I figured from the get-go, he didn’t cum. I guess maybe the reason why I wasn’t edgy about it is cuz of how horny I was, and at this time of the month, nothing can get fouled up. Usually, I’m horny before my period, but I hadn’t been the last time. And usually, I’m dried up after my period, but I was really horny.

Once again, he commented on how we haven’t had sex consistently and given an honest shot at impregnating me; there are too many gaps. Yeah, I know this and I’ve known this for years, but we still haven’t managed to close those gaps, have we? Not when there’s always something going on and not when my keeping it together isn’t always so easy. And not when one of us may not want to. I know now that Tom would be turned off if I were mad at him, but he knows that if I’m depressed, that doesn’t mean I’m turned off by the idea of sex. Actually, it helps me. Doing things I enjoy when I’m down, helps me. I do see progress in one aspect. We seem to be making quicker comebacks. It’s hard to believe that just 3 days ago, we didn’t know what the hell was going on with Mom and I was completely out of my mind.

Once again, there is some good to Mom not coming here and now maybe we can equal things out and do for others and for us (for two weeks here and there), but I was bummed when I was told yesterday that after Mary’s she’d be going home. I’m happy for her, but it’s like, first you go through the emotional let-down of not having a child to love, to bond with, to care for, then you get this great opportunity to have someone you love dearly in your home, help them out, do good for all 3 of us, and you can’t even have that. It made me feel, once again, like I had no other purpose or destiny than what I already do and have.

After thinking about it, I wonder if it wouldn’t be best for her to go to a care center. Naturally, this has to be up to her and it’s her life, but that way she’d be rid of the responsibility of the house and the memories that go with it. Also, she expresses concern over not wanting to bother anyone to fix stuff around the house, mow the grass, etc. Well, at a care center, they do all that there. There, she’d still be free to come and go, but nothing would be her own, either. Just her personal belongings and then she may have to deal with too many people she might not want to deal with. Not all staff members in places like this, hospitals, funny farms, schools, or wherever, are pleasant to have to deal with. Or, she may feel isolated when she doesn’t have company.

When Ma goes home, we’re gonna see about her getting voice messaging. That way, if she wants to go out with a friend, she can leave a home memo and that way, we won’t call there, get no answer, and worry our asses off. Tom and Mary haven’t discussed what else they’re gonna do and how they’re gonna schedule checking up on Ma, but Tom will stop there at least once a day after work. Her place is right on the way.

When I mentioned my hormones and me going on the fritz if I were pregnant, he said I would be a nut case, but that as long as I accepted that, knew and understood what was going on, and that that was OK, I’d be fine. That, and having postpartum depression is still a scary thought, though. Maybe it’d be easier to deal with and handle, knowing it was for a good and worthy cause, rather than for no reason or for a bad reason, but I don’t know. The two likeliest times for a man to either leave or be driven up the wall are when the woman first conceives or after she’s given birth, but why worry about some bridge I won’t have to cross?

Got a Valentine-themed picture of my grandniece Jennifer. The one who’s half black. It’s nice and I put it in the photo album. Boy, are we gonna be getting a slew of pictures from David and Evie of Parker. What do they do, make 10 copies of each picture?

I let Tammy know yesterday that I got a bad vibe pertaining to her. I don’t know any details. I don’t know which of the family members this pertains to or in what way, but we’ll give it a couple of weeks and see. I hope I’m wrong. On the other hand, there’s always something going on within that household.

I finished another Koontz book. It was good. I had to laugh, though, at something I read at the end. When this girl was taken by this killer, she shut herself down to it. Now, no one can just throw themselves into a catatonic state the second they wish to. If they could, we would all be little switches and I could flip a switch in my head and make myself want to puke at the thought of having a kid. I did have some chunks of time when I really did feel that way, though. Up until my early 20s and after the NHA. I do miss those days.

In this new book I’m reading, this woman talks about how the Gods should have no reason to be vindictive towards her, cuz she earned her dream. She worked hard as a writer and earned its rewards from it and deserves it. Well, why do I feel I have to earn and deserve a child from God? I thought that was supposed to be something that comes naturally. I thought this was a part of humanity. So why haven’t I earned it and why don’t I deserve it? Did I do something to make the Gods vindictive if it’s not only my imagination, or what?

Here’s a line from a Charles Dickens poem I sure can understand and relate to: The forces that affect our lives, the influences that mold and shape us, are often like whispers in a distant room, teasingly, indistinctive, apprehended with difficulty.

We didn’t go to the store yesterday, to get Ma’s new phone, cuz Tom wanted to come home and spend time with me. How sweet! Today we’ll be getting the new phone, then we’ll both head over to Mary’s and see Ma there.

Did I remember yet, to say that Tom thought about remodeling the back room and adding a second half-bathroom there? Well, we might still do that and cut the room in half and turn it into a 3-bedroom house. People usually are more appealed by 3-bedrooms. And an extra bath is always nice. Especially one that’d be closer to the pool.

Later...

The laundry’s done and I guess Tom will be here any minute with the groceries.

Anyway, I filled my mom in on the latest scoop with his mom, like I had done with Tammy. I also let them know about Parker. I told her what we thought would be good for Mom, and then she reminded us about not telling her what to do or where to go. I reminded her that that’s her department and that all we’d do is give advice, suggest or give opinions, but we don’t tell others what to do.

Then I got to teasing them in my letter I began to them, saying that if I find out Tammy and her family’s coming down to see them, I’ll have to piss them off so that they, Tammy, Bill, Marty and Ruth, can have a new thing to whine about pertaining to me.