Things still aren’t too cool around here. I fucked up yesterday and poured my sorrows, worries, fears, and doubts out to Tom. Yes, he listened, but I’m still pissed at myself for not keeping my mouth shut. So far, that’s been one of those things that are easier said than done.

When I got up at 8:30, he was tired and grumpy. He said that the reason why he was that way was cuz we talked so late, but that he was not blaming me. Oh yeah, then why is it that I realized after he left for work that he told me he only slept from noon to 4:00 when the phone rang? He said he couldn’t get back to sleep. That’s not my fault. If the phone hadn’t rung, he could’ve slept from noon till 10:00 and had plenty of sleep. And he says he hates being blamed for things that aren’t his fault? Well, he says he doesn’t blame me for things and isn’t trying to put a guilt trip on me, but I don’t think so. He implies that things are my fault. What I really am to blame for, no matter what anyone says, is for talking.

I still really think he’s mostly talk and no action, as far as the things he says he’d like to do. Be it having more sex or whatever. I think that he too, is more afraid of change and hesitant about it than he’ll admit, and this is why I believe he likes to be tired and busy a lot of the time and he sets himself up to be so. I don’t think he wants to avoid me in general, but I think that he too, doesn’t want to have more sex, so he avoids it, all the while pinning the reasons why on me. I’m not saying that some of these reasons aren’t true and that I’m perfect and that I don’t love Tom and that I don’t want to be with him, but I’m so sick of this shit! They say everybody has faults, but I think he’s got about 3-4 faults that really bug me and even piss me off and he should work on them. I need to work on my faults too, and at least he hasn’t got hundreds of faults like most people do.

As far as my faults, it’s still the same thing. I’ve got to drill it through my thick head that dreams are dreams and reality is reality. We all have dreams that can’t come true. It isn’t just me who can’t get most of what she truly wants. It isn’t just me whose life hasn’t been what she wanted, planned or expected. What I’ve got to do is tell myself that having a kid is just a dream and that’s exactly what it should always remain as cuz of my schedule and cuz of how he’s too busy. We could never handle a kid. Not with the way I am, not with my screwy schedule, not with how he’s so often busy and tired. If we had a kid, he couldn’t help his mom out or do AMEX programs, stuff around the house, etc. for damn sure. And physically and mentally, I couldn’t take it.

I have so many wonderful things and cuz I’ve been so wrapped up in fantasy land, I haven’t been able to live life fully (even if this is it) and enjoy what I do have. I have more than enough. More than I need. More than most people will ever have. I didn’t expect, plan or try for Tom or the computers and other things, but I have them, they’re wonderful, and I’d never trade them for the world. I’ve also got to realize that due to the fact that life isn’t what we plan, expect, or try for, few women say they want a kid and then have one. If having a child weren’t a dream of mine, that would be different. Then we could probably have one, but kids are for those who don’t want them, think about them, or plan, expect and try for them. I can’t expect to be any different. The singing never happened, not that that upsets me anymore, cuz it was something I planned, wanted and tried for. The things that happen, like Tom, like the computers, are the things we don’t consider, plan and try for. Or even think we’d want. Even Tom said that most people either don’t get their dreams or don’t get them the way they expected/wanted. Or, people are afraid to admit their dreams or try for them. Well, I’m certainly one of those who is afraid to try for it and see a doctor. It’s wrong. It’s a dream. And that’s where it’ll stay. We don’t have the time and mentality for a child and I’ve got more than I could ever need or want already. I need to “Norahtize” this dream. What I mean by this is that when I fantasize about Norah and I, it’s always been just that - a fantasy. Not anything I’d ever want to or care to or try to make a reality. But it’s a fun thing to think about and fantasize about and it’s OK. That’s what I need to do with the kid in order to live much more happily and peacefully. Have fun thinking/fantasizing about it, be OK with that, but know that that’s not a reality. It has never been a reality and it never can or will be a reality.

Also, he agrees with me, that the Aerobid is what’s been causing my weight gain, but he doesn’t think the weird periods and the Aerobid are connected. He thinks it’s just a coincidence. I thought he thought it was my body “trying to change and get pregnant?” Anyway, his theory about my periods is about as off the wall as me conceiving or expecting to find a UFO out in our yard. If it’s not God teasing me and playing around with my body, or a bad reaction to his cum, it is the Aerobid and my first guess is yes, it’s the Aerobid. It says it causes menstrual disturbances.