Andy’s to be calling me back any minute. He left me a message saying he could come over Friday night after work. Well, I’ll be asleep then, so I want to see if he can make it in the afternoon sometime.

Ma’s gonna be discharged today and for about a week or two, she’ll be staying at Mary and Dave’s. She’s not thrilled about the idea, cuz Mary’s too bossy and doesn’t let her do anything.

The doctors still aren’t completely sure what happened to Ma and they may never be sure or sure that this won’t happen again. Therefore, as I saw coming last summer, she will need to either be in a care center or with someone. The doctors think she may have had a seizure and have her on Dilantin. That’s a common seizure medicine. Tom and Mom still believe she did have a stroke.

Anyway, I’d say she definitely is going to be living here and we are definitely gonna be doing some remodeling around here. Tom thinks she should get rid of the house and that would be the best way for her to move on in life, but I don’t know what she’ll do with the house.

Also, Mary said that the age she said she was to die at was 72 and she’s now 73. Well, for some reason, I still have the number 77 come to mind and it seems connected to mom. Maybe it’s that she’ll win $77,000 in the lottery. Who knows?

I still have mixed feelings about Ma coming to live with us. Tom feels we don’t owe her anything, despite the help she’s given us, but that it’s just cuz he’d like to take her. Also, when I mentioned worrying about her seeing me upset, he said he thought her presence would help with that. It’s kind of like how I’d swear less if a kid was around. I wonder how important this is to him. He says we’ll have more time together and that we can still carry on with our business, but could he really see this as a way to avoid me and avoid sex? And as a way to calm me down? This is the good, though, that I see in her coming here. I would have to calm down and I think we’d have less time with each other. Besides, he always says we’re gonna have more time together and it never does work out that way, does it? There’s always something that comes up, right when things seem to slow down. We’re just never going to have consistent time together and we’re always gonna have a full-time marriage and a part-time sex life and that’s that.

I love doing for others, but it just seems that we do more for others than for ourselves as a couple. Or even for us as individuals, for that matter.

I didn’t hear those dogs again, so maybe someone was just walking dogs somewhere nearby and I couldn’t see them cuz of the hedges in front.

Well, once again, Tom told me he wants a child and he thinks that I should be a mom and that a child would be the best thing for me. Well, I still think something up there doesn’t agree with that. I told him OK since I didn’t want to disappoint him, but I know, no matter what, DES or not, psychologically OK or not, that isn’t meant to be and it never will be. Therefore, once again, I decided it doesn’t matter when we screw, how often, or if I do or don’t take birth control, cuz I know fate is fate. Meanwhile, I just want us to have our part-time fun when we can and I want to get better as a person and try never to go through and be how I was for a few days a couple of days ago. I agree with Tom to a degree. I don’t think my whole problem is just the kid issue or not the kid issue at all. I think the kid is an issue, yes, but when I’m in one of my moods, that does make the whole situation worse and harder to deal with. I’ll just have to work on accepting the fact that I’ll always want a child, but keep in mind that that’s not to ever be and that that’d be wrong. I’m not gonna fuck up another life.

Later...

Andy kept me on the fucking phone for quite a while as he likes to do. We’re still not sure when he’ll be coming over here, but we’ll play it by ear. Neither of us is going anywhere.

It turns out Andy himself, has a secret of his own. One he never even told me. He said he made the mistake of telling Bev, of all people, who told lots of other people, so he denied it and never told another soul. Remember Bev? The fair-weather friend of Andy’s who was a gossiping backstabber? Well, anyway, this secret does pertain to sex. I let him know he could tell me anything, I’ve heard it all and it’s not like he molested a child. True, he said, but he says he’s so ashamed and embarrassed. Supposedly, he had sex with someone he shouldn’t have had sex with, and he didn’t even know it was wrong till he read it in the bible. I reminded him that just cuz he reads something that says something’s wrong, doesn’t mean it really is wrong. As long as he felt comfortable and didn’t hurt anybody, and the people involved were of age and not forced, it’s OK. I believe that someday he’ll tell me and I’m sure it’ll be no big deal or shock to me.

Also, Andy’s been ripping off this grocery store like crazy. Supposedly, he had prayed to God for years to be able to get free food. Can you believe that God not only answers some of his prayers, unlike me, but that he also granted him a prayer to steal? I do. Anyway, the scoop is, is that this cashier, who’s a butch with a butch girlfriend is in on this, too. About 4 times, Andy paid $20 for nearly $200 worth of food. He also gets stuff for her and he brings it to her house and her girlfriend takes it in. He said he’s gonna do this two more times, but then that’s it. He’s gonna tell her it’s too damn risky and it’s wrong.

Later...

Here are some observations I’ve made. Well, I still don’t know for sure if last August or what I just went through was a miscarriage or not. Maybe the reason why I had spots at first was cuz my body tried to conceive but couldn’t, so then it let the potential embryo go, thus causing a period. However, if I’m the insane lunatic I am when my periods get screwy, imagine how I’d be if I were pregnant, cuz then your hormones are really out of whack. This is a scary thought, too, cuz I still don’t know if I can ever learn to get better at handling my emotions when they go on the fritz due to whatever cause.

I also used to tell myself that a child would be good for me in many ways and have heard people say stuff about how God would guide them into something better or good for them and would wonder why not me? Then I suggested to myself that maybe I just thought it’d be good for me cuz that’s what I’d want to think and that God disagreed and didn’t think it’d be good for me. Then yesterday, Tom said he thought it’d be the best thing for me. Yeah, come to think of it, he’s said that before. How it’d be good for me and how the responsibility would be good for me. Well, God doesn’t agree with that and I guess I don’t either, cuz I still don’t see how I’d be stable enough to be a mom, even if I wouldn’t be the worst mom, or how I could handle it.

Guess I’m always gonna write about, talk about, wonder about, and even worry about things that’ll never happen, anyway, but that’s OK. I accept this.

Got a letter from Kim, with some corny Bob letters. She did write to him, she said. Yeah, I knew she would. I don’t think she’ll ever dump him. She’s one of those who are “too nice” like I used to be and worries he’ll kill himself if she dumps him.

She says her brother’s girlfriend took the pill every day and at the same time. I still don’t believe this and again, didn’t she know something was up when she missed her period for so long, when she puked, when she gained weight, when she felt movement inside her? God really does have a hang-up with giving kids to those who don’t want them, plan for them, or who are more fucked up than I’ll ever be or have been, and who would be another Dureen or worse.

Later...

Well, the kids just came out to scream a couple of yards down. The yard with the two guard dogs. It’s quite windy out today and chilly, too.

Today’s the day I should get the pictures from my folks. I don’t know when the flagpole will be coming, but it doesn’t matter. Tom won’t have the time to put it up when it comes. He’ll be too busy. Besides, gotta instill patience in me, although he denies this. Of course he’s gonna deny it. What? Does he think he’d want to admit it so he can hear me tell him all about how that’s wrong and that if I want to change anything about myself, I’ll do it? I don’t think so.

Something’s gotta be done with this pig. This eating every 20 minutes and screaming as if he’s starving has got to stop. I’m only feeding him 3 times a day now. Not 8.

Thought about the idea of mom living here again. Tom did bring up a good point, though, when he said that we tend to fight more when something’s going on. Well, if it wasn’t his mom going on/coming to live here, it’d be something else, so what the heck? Besides, I think it’s destined for her to end up here and I want to do something that makes my husband happy and that’s for her to come here. We both love her dearly and like I said, there’ll always be things going on and we’ll always have a part-time sex life. Maybe this is also one of the many reasons God didn’t give us a child. Cuz he knew he was gonna give us his mom and she needs our help. Although I’d rather do for and help my own flesh and blood and although that’ll never be the case, it’s a good feeling to know I can be of any help to such a kind woman who’s helped me.

The whole family is just so great. I was tempted to come out and say last Christmas, “My childhood was no joyride. Most of the family members never got along well. When we’d all get together for something, I’d feel different, not wanted, not accepted, or appreciated. Here, I feel like I’m one of the bunch and you’re all such wonderful people. Thanks for being my family.”

Tom said, though, that it’s good that I didn’t do this, cuz they’d feel confused and uncomfortable. Yeah, I can understand this with these people and can see how they’d feel that rather than pleased at what I had to say. This family is much more casual in lots of ways and much less serious if you know what I mean. They also couldn’t relate to a lot of what I went through, no doubt.

Maybe Ma coming here would really be a great thing for all of us and not cause tension or fights between Tom and I since we’d have to watch what we say. I always thought there was some good to us not having too much time together in and out of bed. As for the bed part, I’m really nervous about sex. I want normal periods again, so I’m less emotional, but if we continue on with sex, I’m always gonna have weird periods playing on my mind/moods. For the first time, I kind of wish he’d go back to not cumming. It’d make things easier.

Later...

Tom just called from the hospital. Ma’s not coming to live with us but I still think that someday, in the future, she’ll be here. Yes, Tom will be just as busy. Instead of taking care of her here, he’ll be going over there a few times a day. Besides, even if she didn’t exist, something else would be going on. The good news is that I did talk to her and she sounds great. Really chipper and excited about getting out of there and I’m happy for her. She’ll be staying at Mary’s, then at home. The doctors said it’d be OK for her to be home after she gets her strength back.

Evie had the baby last night, 6 weeks early, but he’s doing OK and his name is Parker David.

Why not us God?

OK, OK, I know better.

Anyway, Tom will be here within an hour or so to pick me up to help pick up a new phone for Ma. She doesn’t have any phones that you can program numbers into and we want to get her one so she can call 911 if she needs to, by hitting just one button.