Well, I was right. I said about a week and a half ago that something bad would happen and once again, here we are in the eye of the storm. Or am I supposed to say: the storm? Yes, the storm. And 1997, which is far from over, is going to be anything but a great year. It’s going to be a nightmare.

Tom’s mom had a stroke and is now in the hospital. The stroke affected her speech mostly, and she’s unaware of her right side. The muscles and all that work, but she’s not able to function properly or make much sense.

What is it about odd number years? I’ve noticed that at least as far back as 1983, odd-number years seem to be much worse than even-number years.

Also, if I thought I was fertile and that we could have a child, I’d seriously suspect that God was trying to stall us and hold us off till I was near 40.

This hasn’t been discussed yet, is far from etched in stone, and may or may not ever happen, but Tom and I talked about Mom living here. I know she’s a very understanding and accepting woman, who’s very tolerable and patient, but I’d really have to keep my many depression and anger spells in check. I’m going to have to whisper to Tom about my emotions, sterility, and whatever else. Sex may be infrequent, but for the most part that’s the way it’s always going to be. Every time we get on a roll with that, something comes up and I can see our sex life becoming less and less of an occurrence. Especially during this year and probably for the next 2-3 years. Tom said, though, that Mom’s no stranger to depression and that when he was little, she went through serious depression and was put on all those pills I hate. He said my music wouldn’t bother her and not to worry about her thinking I was crazy due to my schedule. He said she’d be so appreciative of us helping her out that she’d deal with and accept how we were and what we did. Also, going on trips would be no problem, cuz she could stay with Mary or with someone. If I were fertile, though, we’d have to wait on the kid. Maybe Tom would agree with me, maybe not, but I don’t think that would be very fair to Mom to put her through that and I don’t think I could juggle the kid and mom. The kid would be way more than enough and remember, I can’t handle a child. That’s one of the many reasons I’m sterile. However, since we’re the ones in the family that will always be childless, I think we’re the perfect candidates for taking her in if need be, and I really like the idea. She’s a sweet lady and I feel comfortable around her. Also, I think we’d be able to entertain each other well. I can see her enjoying telling me stories about her life, her sewing, and more, and I can see me telling her and showing her all about the things I do. Also, I’m sure that if one of us needed some space and time alone, that’d be no problem. The only question is where she would sleep. Would she bring her bed over here? Well, we’ll work this out when and if she does move in here, but with me having no other possible life, I think this could be good for all of us. Maybe this is something God had planned for me and one of the many reasons why he sterilized me. So I could be available to help her. She’s helped us tremendously.

My being psychic really is a curse, not a gift. I knew this was coming, but I didn’t know who or any details and I was off by a few days or so. Tom was right, though, when he said that my knowing it, even if I knew it in full detail, wouldn’t have stopped it. And if I’d told Ma, she’d just worry like crazy. There’s no controlling what I know I’m/we’re/someone’s in for. I just have to sit back and let it happen, against my will.

As I told Tom, I see lots of trauma, disaster, sadness, fury, illness, and even death this year. Something about the number 77 comes to mind as far as his mom’s concerned, but I’m not sure what it means. Tom said that’s not good, though. Many years ago, his ma said she knew she was gonna die at 70-something, but he can’t remember the exact year. Anyway, I see something not too cool going down this year with his ma, my dad, and us. I know there’s more, but I have no clues as to what it could be all about. The only thing I can think of that could go down with us is a doctor telling us, “Yes, she’s right. She’s sterile,” but I still doubt I’ll ever get up the nerve to go to a doctor about this and risk trouble from God. I couldn’t do that without major encouragement and you know how it goes, you can’t encourage or discourage someone else. Only they can encourage or discourage themselves, right? Well, I can’t encourage myself. So, hopefully, the bad thing on us won’t be God killing Tom or hurting him in any way. I know we’ll never be divorced. We’ll never have a child, so there’s nothing that I can think of, to put this marriage at risk.