Let’s see…where do I begin? Well, Tom said he thinks it’s wrong of me to not have a child due to my past, current or future problems. He said everyone has problems to a degree and that we all just have to make the best of them and do our best. He said he could have a kid, then snap in two years. You never know. In other words, he’s trying to tell me that just cuz someone’s blind, for example, it doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t live life to their fullest and do what they can do. Yeah, well, some things are just riskier and we need to consider this. What’s riskier - walking on solid ground? Or on a rope 20 feet high? I asked him what he wanted, cuz that’s very important to me. He said he’d be disappointed if I never had a child, but wouldn’t blame me or hold it against me if I couldn’t or wouldn’t have a child. I told him then, that I’d forget about birth control, but without feeling like a liar. What I mean by that is, I told him we can have a child, but I know we can’t, so I figured there was no need to tell him no, I won’t have a child when that still does come down to fate. It’s a matter of fate and I still believe that’s God’s decision to make, not ours, so it doesn’t matter whether or not I say yes or no to it. There are a lot of factors involved. If not the DES, then maybe my brain isn’t relaxed enough to let me conceive. We all know that when my mind is off, my body functions are off. It could be just cuz the grass is green and the sky is blue, but no matter what influences it, it’s a question of fate and God’s will. He’s the one that decides which of us has children.

The bottom line is still the same. I want a child, I’ll probably always want a child, but that would be wrong, selfish, and spoiled of me to have one and expose that child to the ways and even the humiliation of a mentally unstable mom. Wasn’t it me who bitches all the time about people like me having kids?

After I reminded him of what kind of person he wants to have a kid with, he said, “So get better.”

But I can’t just “get better.” All I can do is try to deal with and handle this thing better by not freaking out so much.

I also have a lot of mixed emotions about what’s going on with his mother, but I was right. After Dad died, I knew it was just a matter of time when she’d need constant care or help. I know some of these mixed feelings I feel and think are selfish, and I’m trying to get away from that, but I agree with Tom. It should be equal as far as the amount we do for others and ourselves. I wish we could do as much for ourselves and taking care of Ma is fine, but I’d also like to take care of a baby. Once again, though, God decides this and what we do and who we take care of, to a degree, by what things he gives us access to and by what opportunity is there. Some are within our reach, some aren’t. The opportunity’s there to have/care for Ma, but not a child. She’s getting out of the hospital real soon and she’s gonna need someone checking up on her at least 3 times a day and she may not always be able to stay at home. Naturally, it’s Tom and Mary who do most of the checking and helping out mom. David and Evie have a small kid and one on the way, so they’ve got no time and no life. Nora and Ray aren’t very helpful at all unless they’re asking to do something and Steven’s so far away. He may be flying in, though. The bulk of it’s on Tom and Mary, though. She will be staying at Mary’s, but it’s unlikely that she’ll ever live here. You never do know, though. It is likely, though, that she’ll stay here several times for a few days or so. Once again, whether she’s here, home, or elsewhere, I have mixed feelings. I’d love to spend time with her, give her the help she needs since she’s helped us, but I feel that this is just sucking our time and lives away. There will be some inconveniences too, with her staying here, but nothing serious that can’t be dealt with, worked out, and overcome. There definitely, definitely is something up there doing whatever it can to keep us tied up in something else, so we can’t have too much time together. There’s a pro to that, though, too. Less time together means less time for fights and or other problems.

I spoke to the phoneaholic who should be coming over here within the next couple of nights to get his birthday presents.

I’m taping a movie now with 7 deaf people being held hostage by 3 escaped cons. Marlee Matlin’s in it and it’s fun seeing what they say and interpreting it in my head.

Tom also told me that my being pregnant while his ma is here is no problem and that she’d obviously go elsewhere once I got close to the due date. He went on and on about it, reassuring me as if we really are going to have a kid someday and it’s ridiculous, just like this pregnancy test, but he does have a right to his feelings and beliefs, so I just let him have his say about it, but I will not have a kid with how I am. I’ll just always want it and like I said, that’s what dreams are for. If something wasn’t meant to be just a dream, then it wouldn’t be just a dream for so long. Dreams are dreams. Reality is reality.

Another thing I’m gonna work on, that I may have mentioned before, is not plugging what I say into what he says.

Once again I woke up at 102. But, as usual, a couple of cookies and a couple of cups of coffee threw me back up to that typical 104.

Later...

Oh, fuck! I think the people across the street might’ve gotten a new dog or two. I opened the door to see if there was anyone next door (there still hasn’t been) and I heard two dogs barking. It sounded like it was directly across the street and I didn’t see anyone appear to be walking dogs. Then I turned the fan off and could hear it loud and clear. Well, I’ve met the guy that lives there. He came over when we had our tag sale, seems very nice and I’m sure it’ll be no problem if I ever need to kindly ask him to tone down any dogs.

Let me guess, God’s up there saying, “Hey, I think they might be permanently gone from next door, the house may be empty for a while, so I had to do this. You have to have something.” 

Whether or not things like this, curses, or punishments are true, I’m gonna say stuff like this. It’s my way of venting. Hey, when you can’t blame yourself or someone else, blame God! Right?

Those fucking dogs and those kids have been outside every afternoon since they put up those monkey bars. I can’t hear the kids in the house, thank God, or the dogs with the fans and it’s better than that loud bass, but I’m still not fond of it.