All locked up. Well, sort of. I had asked Tom to find me my padlock and my combo lock a few days ago. Not surprisingly, he didn’t make any move to find them, no doubt in fear of my locking the hoop net up. He was telling me how that’s vandalism and trespassing. Yeah, well I wasn’t about to sit around listening to the 4 or so different little trespassers that have been spending their weekends at next door’s basketball hoop, which is barely 5 feet away from the house. Obviously, these kids think next door’s vacant. It does look that way more than most of the time. There’s never a car there and all the blinds are down and I think that maybe she’s been away somewhere for a little while, cuz I don’t remember seeing lights on over there at night or hearing car doors as she gets her ride to and from the house.

I told Tom to forget the locks and I took the lock that came with one of the journals my folks sent and used that. However, I didn’t quite manage to get the lock locked, cuz it’s such a tiny lock. Also, that hoop, which has always been quite low, has gotten even lower since the last time I put that metal clip on it right when next door first moved in about a year ago. Back then, I had to stand on a chair, but this time, I could reach it just fine. I could reach the bottom of the net just fine on heels. It’d be more of a stretch for me to reach the rim of the hoop. Also, the net, which is made of metal chains, has been broken since I last played around with it. There’s a part of it that hangs lower, while the other side of the net’s higher.

Anyway, I took the lock, and at first it got tangled, but I managed to snag the two longest parts of the net and slip the lock through the links. I’d assume that it’d take an adult to reach it to get this lock out and it’d take a few minutes. Kids, however, couldn’t reach it, but then I realized something else. I’m not sure and we’ll see if I can get a better look at it in daylight, but a ball still may be able to get through it, cuz of the shorter side. The shorter side hangs free and it might be able to just push the longer side that’s locked, out of the way as it tumbles through. Still, I’ll be much firmer with these little punks next weekend and remind them that trespassing is illegal.

Fucking kids! You know, I’ve never been gladder to be getting my period in 1-3 days and I even wonder if 35 isn’t a fine age to wait to possibly deal with a kid of our own. Tom wouldn’t allow us to go to a doctor any sooner, anyway, so I may as well look at the bright side of the freedom that I’ve got now and will have plenty of for quite some time - I can sleep, the house is peaceful, etc.

Now I’m laughing at both Tom and I and not just Marla. It hit me that there is no such thing as more fertile or less fertile. Less fertile would mean a woman ovulates less than one egg a month and more fertile would mean that a woman drops more than one egg a month. Well, normal women are said to drop one egg a month, as long as they get monthly periods. So fertile is fertile and that’s that. Age does not matter. As long as you have your monthly periods, you’re not any less or more fertile, cuz there’s no such thing unless you’re not getting periods or are on fertility drugs.

My tits have really been a nightmare. I’ve never ever ever had them hurt this bad. I suppose this is God’s way of punishing me for not being strong enough to not have said “no” when Tom first suggested that bullshit promise. Instead, I was a little conspirator and I asked for this. Also, this must be for my ignoring Dr. Bock’s nurse’s call and not letting God get to me or what he has others do to get at me.

At this point, as time goes on from that bullshit promise thing, I think both God and Tom were responsible. God let this happen to play on my emotions and I think Tom knew he couldn’t, but more likely wouldn’t, keep his promise. But why he did it, I just don’t know. I only have theories which I’ve stated numerous times before, but why does he do a lot of the things he does? Why’s he so obsessed with making me wait on him? Why does he get off on going out of his way to move things around, be different, disagree, etc.? It’s like he wants to be the direct opposite of me. The more I want to do whatever, the more he stalls. If I’m not in a hurry for whatever, he is. If I say, “Here. Watch this movie. You’ll love it,” he’ll say it was just OK or that it sucked. He just seems to deliberately want to disagree with me and just repel and go the other way.

I still really feel, deep down, that if it hadn’t mattered to me how much he came, he just might be cumming more than he does now.

I told him it’s OK that he decides when we go to a doctor, but that if this has anything to do with him making me wait cuz he feels he didn’t get to wait long enough to get married, then he’s got to take a good look at himself. He’d need to ask himself what’s more important; a child, or making me wait to either punish me, teach me a lesson, teach me patience, get even with me, etc.

If this is really about the marriage, like I believe it is (among other things), then I’m sorry. He said he only wanted to wait just two more weeks, cuz he bought the house illegally. But then social security cut me off and he married me sooner so I could have insurance. He said it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t make him marry me when he did. Yeah, well I still think deep down, maybe even in his subconscious, that he had a problem with when we got married and still does, but I’m sorry. He got married two weeks too early. Just two weeks. There’s a big difference between two weeks and 3 years (not the mention the times I’ve wanted a kid before we met). So, if this is what it’s all about - the marriage date, control, patience, evening things out, etc., then he doesn’t really want a kid as bad as he says. Of course, I’ve always known he never wanted sex as much as I did or a kid as bad as I did. He doesn’t want a kid an eighth as bad as I do. He says different people can handle things differently but still want the same things as bad as the other person does. True. He may handle his wants differently than me, but the point is that he’s a man. No man wants a kid nearly as bad as a woman does. He’s acting perfectly ordinary about the kid business and I don’t buy it when he tells me it’s not OK if we never have a child. It’s OK if we do and it’s OK if we don’t, but I still firmly believe he’s having me wait on him and getting a kick out of it. Regardless of our schedules or things that keep him busy or make him tired, if he wanted more sex and to cum more, he would and he could do so. When he gets more serious about the kid, as I get older and start running out of years, then he’ll make his move somehow, some way, whether or not it gets me pregnant. So, he may act typically about the baby thing, but he does not act typically about the sex and cumming thing. Not in the least and I don’t care how old or busy or tired he is.

I see right through his every move and motive and he can call me paranoid all he wants.

Anyway, regardless of how much more I want a child, mid to late 30s is fine for having a baby and I never thought I’d say this, but I can’t wait for my period! I’ve never wanted a period so bad, cuz my tits are a nightmare. I’m in pain just sitting still, whereas in the past, they’d usually only bother me at their sorest when I was walking fast, bouncing or running. This is ridiculous and kind of scary. How often is this gonna happen? And will it be even worse? Oh, God! That’s a really scary thought, cuz I don’t see how they can be any worse than this.

Later...

I just watched part 2 of a 3-part movie of Stephen King’s. It’s based on one of his books and he’s pretty good, too. A lot like John Saul. All these fucking baby commercials, though! I saw a whole new set of them. They’re really cranking them out! And they’re getting more and more graphic, too, showing pictures of the unborn child, showing the woman having it. Everything on TV is babies and pregnancy. Totally overkill!

Speaking of John Saul, Tom picked up his book Black Lightning which I just started. I’ll also be reading the remaining 4 books of his 6 book Blackstone Chronicles series, too, and he’s supposed to have a new book out this summer called The Presence.

My horoscope says that on Saturday, kids will be on my nerves. Gee, I wonder why?! Yeah, well I’ll take care of them.

Now here’s more proof that God does not love us all equally. Andy told me he prayed for God to take away his tooth pain, till he can afford to have more work done on it and he did. I just prayed for him to take away my tit pain till I get my period and what did he do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Well, I always did say and know that God has a little more love to go around for Andy, than for me. Oh well. You can’t make someone love you or give you what you want.

It’s just like with Tom. He’s not ready for a child now. He’s not nearly as serious as I am about having sex more often, cumming more often and stepping up the action towards getting me pregnant and I can’t make him as ready as I am. In a few years, though, he’ll be readier and we’ll go to a fertility doctor, the doctor will impregnate me, and God will take it away.