We needed new checks, so Tom told me to look in the weekly fliers for checks. Every week we get an envelope with sheets of stuff you can order and I found the one with the checks. I picked out ‘Poker Dogs’. Dogs gathered around a table playing cards. There are 4 different scenes.

I am on the phone now with Andy. He said he doesn’t have $700 to have two teeth filled. Oh well. He’ll just have to work his ass off and make the money as he said. I’m sure he can do it and he’s sure, too.

Later...

OK, Andy let me go, so now I can get on with my writing. I’m so sick of the phone! I casually let him know that it’d be 2-3 days before we talk again cuz Tom’s off. Hopefully, he’ll get the hint and not call so much. Every day is too much. Besides, what can I tell him every single day? It’s not like there’s something new going on every day to tell him about.

I did get a hold of Tammy. Bill’s still clear of cancer but has a very weak immune system. Hopefully, he’ll be home today.

I realized that the reason why Bob told me Andy wrote to him, was no doubt to get a bad reaction out of me. He probably figured I’d get all pissed at Andy and at him, too, and write all about it. He loves negative attention as much as he loves positive attention. Well, he’s certainly not gonna get the satisfaction of any type of response from me.

AOL has a spot called “my favorite places,” and this is where you can put the sites you like to visit on AOL or around the web. I not only loaded in Norah’s site, in case that changes, but I loaded in Gloria and Linda’s site, too, so I can take my time going through it all. There are about 1200 articles involving Linda and about 3000 on Gloria. I’d have loved this and died to have had this when I was really into these people.

I finished all the books Ma gave me. Speaking of Ma, we discussed bringing her over here, now that my schedule’s rolling onto days. After he takes care of her this morning and brings her to do some errands, Tom will then get our groceries. We’re both starting the Slim-Fast diet today. I’m gonna try to lose the weight starting now, but like I said, I’ll really gung-ho it if I haven’t dropped weight by the time my folks get here. I’m sure, though, that there is no such thing anymore as me losing weight the responsible way. I’m sure I’ll have to starve myself. Then after I eat again, it’ll come right back on, I’m sure.

I wouldn’t be too surprised if after my folks left, I lost the weight. That’s how it usually works.

I’m also going to be switching to decaf coffee so that I don’t have to worry about such sore tits every month. I’m sick of having my tits get so sore a whole 2-3 weeks away from my period.

Also, Tom says we can do stuff around here this weekend. Now I like the sound of that. We’re getting the yard presentable and we’re also gonna straighten up the back room some more, which has been looking the best it’s looked for the longest time, though, to be truthful. There are still some parts of it that are cluttered and sloppy, so Tom’s gonna take care of that, then I’ll go around and dust areas that are normally too jammed up with stuff to dust. I’ll also try to clean some of the walls in the kitchen and bathroom.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I may get my sketchbook photocopied to send to Larry and Tammy.

Well, I think that now I’ll go check out my stuff online. I’ll start with Linda’s file. I’m mostly interested in pictures. I wonder how many more pictures of Linda and Gloria there are out there that I used to have.

Later...

OK, I went through the first out of the 1200 main links on Linda. I went through all its links. See how long it took just to browse through just one of them? It’ll take years to go through everything I want to go through on Linda and Gloria, cuz when you go to something on the main menu, there are a million links within it.

Did I mention yet that Tom showed me how to look in the TV guide on AOL to check and see if that episode of The Hitchhiker that Norah was in will be on? I can check about two weeks’ worth at a time.

Ma gave us scraps of carpet and we’ll probably put some in the little entranceway by the garage door. I don’t know what we’ll do with the rest of it, though. Maybe we can put it in the bathroom.

Later...

I just did some singing. As soon as it gets lighter out, I’ll let Bunny out, just like I did yesterday. The yard is now safe for him. He really likes it out there. Yesterday I got a lot of proofreading done and I think I’ll go do some more now.

Later...

I am so fucking furious now! I mean really really fucking pissed! Now I’m fucking 110 pounds!! Right on schedule, too. I told you I gain or lose in 2s and by June 1st I’ll be 112 if I can’t stop this fucking shit from happening. Why? Why the fuck is this happening? Why am I always so hungry and what the fuck’s making me gain this weight? I don’t eat very much, so why? I could eat a lot if I wanted to, but most of the reason why I’m so hungry is cuz of me trying to not eat as much as I’d like to, so why? How much more of my body is God going to claim? What’s next? What’s he gonna do next? Make my hair fall out?

Well, fuck dieting, cuz now I’m gonna starve. I mean, completely, no matter how hungry I get. I’ll just live on my coffee and cigarettes. I’m not gonna let God win this one, I swear! I’m gonna fucking beat him on this one! He took my right to a child and he’s not gonna take my right to lose weight. No fucking way!

Earlier, I was so fucking hungry, that I had some popcorn. It’s a good thing no one reads these journals, cuz what I’m about to write will gross anyone out. Well, it was hard and it took some time, but I finally managed to make myself puke a little. I figured that if I’m too damn hungry to stop eating, I’d have to eat when I got painfully hungry, then puke it up. Tom said that that’d be a waste of money, but I don’t think so. We get our money’s worth out of giving my hunger pains some relief, even if it’s for 5 minutes.

I then had a feeling that God was gonna get me for this and for telling him, “Look, I’m not gonna ask you for a kid since I know you’ll never change your mind about that, but please let me lose the weight. Don’t take that from me, too.” 

That’s when I weighed 110. That fucking bastard! It’s like the harder I fight God, the more he punishes me. I ask to lose weight, he does the opposite. I ask for a kid, he does the opposite. If he doesn’t give me the opposite of what I ask for, he gives me nothing at all. Or, he punishes me. It’s always 1 of the 3. I won’t dare ask him for a readable and negative PAP and a good visit with my folks, cuz he’ll just do the opposite, nothing, or punish me. The only thing that I could pray for and be granted without punishment would be if I prayed to never have a kid.

Why does he hate me so fucking much? If I hear one more person say that God helps those who help themselves, I’m gonna slap them!

Oh and also, Tom says that if I’m not pregnant when he cums those 3 days (which he won’t), it doesn’t mean I’m sterile. Is it really that hard for women to conceive? I reminded him that it can’t be that hard, or else millions of women wouldn’t have so many kids, but then he said that if it were that easy, millions more would have kids. Whatever. I’m just so fucking fed up with God controlling and punishing me!

If I didn’t intend to fight God and win (and I fucking mean it - I will win!), how high would he have had me go? Up to 130? Up to 150? Up to how much?

Why? Why is he doing this to me? Is it cuz I cuss him out? Is it cuz I think of and wish for and sometimes try to fight him for things that I’m not supposed to have or be doing? I don’t think so. I didn’t cuss him out or fight him as a kid. Not at all compared to how I’ve tried fighting him as an adult (with the woman and the singing), so what did I do to him as a child to piss him off so much and make him hate me so much and want to punish me so bad?

Can’t he just leave me alone? Can’t he just say to himself, OK, you’ve controlled her enough? Just leave her alone and stop controlling her life and body. And her husband’s.

I guess the fact that his punishing me which punishes Tom, is OK with him. Although, Tom could never feel as punished as I do. He can live with and adapt to anything that he has or doesn’t have in his life. He can live just fine with or without a child and believe me, no man is obsessed with their weight like women are. They don’t give a shit about having kids. They don’t give a shit about not having kids. They don’t give a shit if they’re fat. They don’t give a shit if they’re thin. They can live with anything that life dishes out to them. Or that life doesn’t dish out to them. These are the only things I envy about men. And the fact that they don’t have to deal with periods. Other than that, I’ve always been perfectly happy to be a woman.

I just want my life to be mine. And my body to be mine. I can’t fight him for the kid and win. But I can and I will fight him to lose the weight. He can stop Tom’s sperm from meeting my eggs, but he can’t stop me from not eating. He can’t reach down and grab me and shove food into my mouth and force me to chew it and swallow it.

Later...

Bunny’s gotten so addicted to being outdoors, that I can’t get him to bring him inside. Well, I’m not gonna play tag with him, so if that’s where he wants to be, fine.

I did something really nice and pretty. Tom liked it, too. The phone in the living room, which has 30 numbers you can program into it, has a spot where I stick 3 little pieces of paper with the names of the people whose numbers are in there. Well, I typed up these 3 little lists and it didn’t take me too many tries to size up the font just right, either. It looks really nice.

Later...

Bunny finally let me bring him inside, but he didn’t make it that easy for me. He was out there for about two hours. He started to dig quite an impressive hole, too, towards the back of the yard.

Anyway, this puking shit is really gross. And it leaves a shitty taste in your mouth. So I’m just gonna not eat, deal with being hungry and I’m gonna beat God on this one. I promise him that. I promise me that. I will lose this fucking weight and look and feel better and fit into my clothes again.

I’m doing 50 crunches a day on the thigh master, but have been too lazy to do much of anything else. It’s easier to hide a big belly than it is to hide thighs. Especially in AZ when you want to wear shorts.

Tom should be home in about an hour. I hope we can find a new sketchbook for me soon since I’ve only got a few pages left in this one.

I was gonna do up a letter for Larry, but first of all, we have no stamps and secondly, I’ll probably just wait till after Mom and Dad’s visit.

Later...

Bill’s home from the hospital and will need time to get his strength back. It’s a damn good thing that he’s been at the job he’s been at for so long. He misses so much work, that he’s lucky he doesn’t get fired.

As usual, I’m really fucking hungry and I just can’t get my goddamn mind off of food! That’s all I can think about. I feel like I haven’t eaten in days, so I can only imagine how lousy I’ll feel when it really has been a few days since I’ve eaten. On the other hand, you do adapt to things like that. I adapted when I didn’t have much money for food, so I’ll just have to adapt again and get used to not eating very much at all.

Later...

After Tom got home, I discussed all this weight shit with him and he helped me write a plan that he says will enable me to lose weight.

Andy’s gonna think he’s as crazy as I do for telling me I look better now at 108 and was too thin at 100.