Oh, I’m so pissed, frustrated and sad! I hate God! I really really do! As I knew they would, Dr. Bock’s office called. And God had to make sure that they called while I was in the tub and didn’t step out of the tub till it was 5:00 when they’d gone home. Then I said to myself, that’s fine. I’m not calling. I’m not gonna give God the satisfaction of bowing down to him and his using others to harass me. I’m not gonna keep running to GYNs while he’s up there laughing at how he’s running me ragged and killing me emotionally.

Like I said, there’s always a fucking price to pay for sex. I’m just totally cursed sexually, or my female parts are, and of course, I’m a no-good sinner for wanting a kid. I’m just so fucking sick of his controlling me and my body. I can’t go to GYNs, cuz they’ll never be able to read my PAP (I know this is what the call was about), and I’ll never have a child, DES or not, I can’t fight God and win, so fuck it! Just fuck it! I fucking give up. I’ll just live the rest of my life out just as it is, without moving on, just as God wants. Then maybe he’ll leave me the fuck alone.

And of course, I’ve got Tom telling me he understands. No man could ever understand. And he still keeps on telling me I’m going to have a child. Well, of course he’ll tell me that. He loves me. He’s supposed to tell me this. Just like with Kim. She’s my friend. She’s supposed to be positive and tell me the same thing. I could have a hysterectomy and they’d still be telling me the same thing.

The point is, is that I know Tom will never cum more often and that I’m sterile. I don’t care what he or anyone else says, I know the truth. I also know that there’s nothing I, Tom, or any doctor could do to fight God and change his fate for me. He’s got his mind made up and that’s that and I’m sick of dealing with this fucking shit! I don’t care anymore. I’ll just get the period I know I’m gonna get (the pre-cramps have started), and just deal with it and accept it.

Mary told me she’s OK with sterility. Emily, from MA told me the same thing, and I’m gonna be just like them. I refuse to live my life feeling like it’s incomplete and like there’s a void. I’m not gonna cry over this for the 30-50 years I’ve got left on this earth. God’s not gonna “sentence” me to a life of misery. I can’t win. I can’t have a child. But I refuse to let it beat me down anymore.

Whatever controlled me back east did follow me out here, but what am I gonna do, keep moving? I don’t think so. That won’t let God let me have a child and make my own choices in life and with my body. I love Arizona and this is always going to be my home. Maybe we’ll leave this house someday, but we’ll always be in Arizona unless I kill myself first. Or if God decided to take me much sooner. Sometimes I wish he would. My life is over here, anyway, I may as well move on and I can’t move on here in this life.

Sometimes I fantasize about plunging a knife straight through my uterus and ovaries. God would love that. Yes, he’d love for me to help control and destroy my female parts, just like he has.

Tom doesn’t understand and God doesn’t care. I understand but fuck caring anymore. There’s nothing to try for, to change, or to care about anymore. Just doing my time here on earth, living with what I do have, till my time comes to die, however I shall die.

I have to try my damnedest to put on a happy face for my folks if I don’t want any trouble, but I just realized something. Tom’s mom is really gonna drive them nuts. Or if she doesn’t, my folks aren’t gonna be too happy when they have to hear all about David and Evie’s kids and not much of anything else. If that’s not the bulk of what she’ll talk about, that’ll be at least half of what she talks about.

Later...

Shelly had said, “Wouldn’t it just blow our minds if we saw each other?” 

Oh yes! Oh, how I’d love to see her right now! But I never will. I’m still pretty certain I’ll never be back there and if so, I don’t know if we’d have the time to see her, but I would try to make the time. And I’m sure she’ll never come out here. She did say she lived in New Mexico for a while, as I forgot to mention.

Another ironic thing is that when I lived in Deerfield, she was living only 10 minutes away at the time and used to constantly go into Deerfield. We must’ve brushed arms several times and didn’t even know it. I really needed people like never before when I lived there out in nowhere land and it’s amazing how you could know someone for barely a month or so, then not see them for 15 years, yet love them dearly and wish you could see them and just run up to them and throw your arms around them.

Andy spent his last night here last night and we emailed Marla. I typed while he dictated.

Shelly and I must’ve been really destined to reconnect, cuz when I went to show Andy how I found her, there was no Shelly L listed. They had just updated their numbers, names and addresses. If I waited just one more week to look for her, forget it, cuz I’d never have any other way to know she was in the Northampton area, let alone her new last name. Just one more week, maybe even a little less, and there’d be no way I could ever find her for sure. It would’ve been more impossible than it had been until I did find her.

I saw the trailer over there yesterday but didn’t hear anything.

There’s something else I haven’t heard, which is totally weird and bizarre. I haven’t heard those dogs over there for 2-3 days now, but I’m not stupid. I know the pig didn’t talk to them. They didn’t decide all on their own that maybe it was annoying to their neighbors. No one shot them. They didn’t decide to keep them in the house all the time. They didn’t give the dogs away. The dogs didn’t drop dead on their own. Aliens didn’t abduct them. God didn’t get them off my case, etc.

Tom says he doubts Mike will ever be back, cuz of how long he’s been gone. Oh, he’ll be back. If they don’t get back together, he’ll be back sometimes. What I wonder, is when is she gonna get her new bass-blasting piece of scum of a boyfriend? Well, when she does, I’ll be right there to take care of it, as much as the new beau won’t give a shit, either. In fact, she’ll probably tell him to make sure he basses in and out on account of me.

I know there are other little tidbits of stuff I wanted to mention, but can’t seem to think of them right now. It’s not always easy to relax my mind and organize my thoughts. Not when I get so upset and furious.

I did get a Bob letter today. Nothing new, of course.

I hope Shelly’s already got stuff on its way in the mail to me. I don’t know for sure if she really will mail anything, but I hope she does. That’d mean so much to me and pictures of her would be great. She mentioned sending pictures and looking through her photo album to see what she’s got from that time (1982).

I told Marla about Shelly and about what Tom and I discussed earlier, but I’m too tired to get into it now.