I realize I’ll be running out of room in this journal to say all I’ve got to say, so I’ll carry it over to the next one.

Now I’ve gone completely the other way around and am dying for my period to relieve my tits. Just when I thought they couldn’t hurt so bad, they’ve never hurt this bad before! I’ve also had some pretty fierce pre-cramps, too.

We’re gonna be bombing soon. When we do so, we’ll leave Bunny outside and take Piggy and Gizzy with us wherever we go. Speaking of Bunny, he’s like a cat, too, besides like a dog. He rubs his chin on my hand as well as objects like cats do.

Another thing I remember about when I was at Dotty’s, is that I only left that house twice in the month and a half to two months I was there. If I’m remembering correctly, I left once with Dotty and maybe Valerie, too, to go to McDonald’s and then that once with Shelly when she and I went to a nearby convenience store.

Anyway, Tom and I had a lovely talk last night and I’ll just get to the point of what he said before I talk around it and get into what my feelings and opinions about it are.

He said that my saying I’ll never have a child is a crock, cuz even if I were right and he was wrong and we couldn’t make a baby on our own, we go to a doctor, they take one of my eggs out, add sperm to it, then put it in my uterus. A loan will pay for it, too.

OK, if getting the procedure done and paying for it isn’t a problem, then God is. He’s our only real challenge and he’s the only one we’ll have to worry about. Again, if something’s so meant to be, it’ll be. If it’s not, it won’t be, and all God has to do is knock them out of me. If they keep implanting them in me, all God has to do is to keep getting rid of them and make sure I miscarried them. The more I want something and the more it’s something that’s common, the more he makes me fight tooth and nail for it, but more so, I just can’t get it. If he doesn’t knock them out one after the other, he could also know of our plan and make sure something goes wrong so I need a hysterectomy before we ever get to seek a doctor’s help.

I asked Tom if maybe God’s making sure they can’t read my PAPs, so he can start cancer brewing there and make sure it’s not discovered till it’s too late and I have to die a slow and painful death. He said no, cuz cancer takes years to grow and he reminded me that his dad’s cancer, which wasn’t discovered till about a year before he died, started forming 40 years ago.

Of course I wish Tom could be right about how sure he is that we’ll have no problems making a kid on our own. I mean, who wouldn’t want to do it the natural way? Besides, it’s only fair. I mean, you’ve got people that are loaded out there like Gloria is and she gets free babies, while a middle-class couple has to pay for one.

How fair, huh?

I know that God won’t ever allow us a child, either by ourselves or by a doctor. Let’s pretend he will let us, though. First of all, he won’t allow us to do so on our own and we will need a doctor. Secondly, we won’t be going to a doctor till I’m around 35, cuz that’s when this new technology, that’ll allow even 70-year-olds to conceive, will get cheaper and more affordable for us. It’s like with microwaves and VCRs. When they first came out, they were very expensive, but in time, they weren’t.

So again, let’s say God will allow us to have a kid. Here’s what we’ll have to go through to get that kid: First, I still think that yes, Tom wants a kid and would be very happy if I were pregnant now. However, no man could want a kid as bad as any woman could, I still think he’d rather wait till I’m between 35-40 and that he’d like to instill patience in me. So, say I’m now 35 and God will allow us this kid with a doctor’s help. It’ll take about 3 months for them to get about 3 unreadable PAPs. Then on month 4, they’ll probably have to do an exam with a microscope instead. Then there are 3 months of testing. Now remember, they can’t just do the in-vitro. It took Linda 4 tries, so it’d probably take me about 8. Let’s say it’ll take me 4 tries, though. That’s the least it could take. That’d mean that it’d take me a year to get the pregnancy that’ll keep till it’s time to be born. That’d also mean, that it’ll take me about two good years of fighting God before he let that doctor let Tom and I have the child we want. If he ever really did. I’ll be about 37.

Tom also told me that as long as a woman has all her parts, and as long as the parts work and aren’t damaged or misshapen, the vast majority of women can be impregnated by in-vitro and it’s very very uncommon that a woman can’t be helped who has regular periods and all her parts, etc. Well, I’m not the majority kind of girl, so all the more of a challenge it’ll be. How many people have one ear? How many people can sing, draw, sign, dance, act, etc.? How many women seeking other women are as feminine as I am? How many had to try for months before they could take the first very small dick in them? How many were with guys that could get hard, but not cum for so long? How many are this short? How many rock to music, have the power to communicate through photographs and have the kind of pitch I do? How many can’t get pregnant?

I know this is stupid, but I’m gonna go into this with the attitude that yes, I’ll have that baby. It’ll just be in about 5-6 years from now. Better later than never, though.

So, since I know Tom’s gonna be wrong, unfortunately, when he says we’ll get me pregnant on our own, this does mean sacrifices, but they’re well worth it. We could take a loan now and move. Or get his RK for his eyes, but we need to keep money available, as he said, for if we need help with the family. Well, since I know we’ll need it, we’ll be here for many many many years, but that’s OK. Whatever it’ll take. If we can’t have the doctor get around God, as I expect will really be the case, we’ll just take the money and move, I guess, but for now, I’m gonna be ridiculous and pretend that a doctor can fight God for us and win.

Back when he wasn’t cumming and we agreed to see a doctor this month, I never ever could picture us going to see a doctor. Well, it turned out that the reason I couldn’t envision it, of course, was cuz we didn’t need a doctor, cuz he came. My point is, is that I can’t see us ever going to a fertility specialist and I’d like to think that that’s a good sign, but I don’t know. I think it’ll be for the same reasons I thought I couldn’t see us going to a doctor for his lack of cumming - believing it couldn’t help us.

If Tom is controlling his amount of cumming, and he always could be, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t let himself start cumming more often until I was around 33 or 34. Right before we agreed to see someone.

Even though Tom doesn’t have the sexual appetite I do, etc., it’s his mother that’ll hold him back from cumming more often and slow down any progress we may make. As long as he needs to babysit our 74-year-old child, take care of her, and be run through the mill by her, he’ll continue to be tired most of the time and unable to cum more often.

Nonetheless, knowing about the technology that’s out there does give me a slight sliver of hope, but it’s not very fun knowing that if I do stand a chance, you’re talking several years from now. To me, to wait 6 years is like waiting 60 years. In reality, though, God’s gonna do one of two things. He’s either gonna make sure something goes so wrong that there’s no way I could conceive, or he’s gonna keep knocking out every kid a doctor implants in me. But for me of all people to get pregnant, stay that way till it’s time for it to be born and not need a C-section is absolutely ludicrous. It can’t happen. I just can’t see it. It’s impossible. Totally out of my cards and not meant to be.

And by the way, I knew those few days I didn’t hear those dogs was just a fluke, cuz I heard them loud and clear during the late afternoon and early evening.