In about an hour, Andy will be calling when he gets out of a meeting he has to attend. Caro’s is turning into Coco’s. The restaurant he works at out in Sun City. Meanwhile, he’s going through training and they’ve sent their Sun City Caro’s workers to other restaurants around the area.

I’m to wake Tom up at 3:30, then we’ll be leaving at 4:00 for my appointment.

Then, it’ll be time to come home and get fucked over by own husband who would otherwise do just about anything for me. Why? Why does he feel such a need to do this? Am I really that bad of a wife or a person in his eyes? What did I do wrong, according to him, to make him feel he needs to do this? I just can’t think of anything, therefore, that tells me that this is just pure pleasure that he gets out of doing stuff like this to me. I’m just so sorry that he feels he has to do this. It’s sad that such an otherwise stable, loving and great guy could get such a kick out of my obvious sad and angry reaction to being burned like this.

It’s partly my fault, too. Not to the degree that he’ll be at fault, but I asked for this. As soon as he made this promise, I should’ve come right out and immediately said, “No. No promises. Just cum when you can and that’s it.”

I can tell that he’s not looking forward to this, but that he is looking forward to it at the same time. He hates the pressure of this timetable and he doesn’t even want to cum three days in a row, even if he could. On the other hand, he’s all psyched up for the fight. Maybe he somehow figured I’d can the sex completely if he did this to me, so that’s what’s motivating him. This is either some kind of punishment or a lesson he’s trying to teach me. Or both, aside from the pure joy he’s gonna get out of my hurt and angry reaction. Like I said, though, maybe he’s counting on my cutting the sex out by his doing this and that’s what he wants and hopes for, so he can get me off his back about the lack of sex, etc.

I can tell you one thing for sure, though, these last several days without sex, have been the most relaxing for me. There was no stress over wanting it and feeling not good enough when he wouldn’t touch me or bummed cuz he was at work or asleep. There was no feeling he was putting other things before fun, closeness and time together.

Sometimes it really is easier to not succeed and to throw away your dreams (especially when they’re impossible), than it is to keep fighting and fighting. That’s why I stopped the diet. Cuz I knew I wasn’t gonna lose the weight and the more I tried for no reason, the more it stressed me out. I will never again put forth effort into losing weight or having a baby. This is all up to God and in his hands, anyway, so what could I do about it? Like I said, a good 3-4 days of starving may get a few pounds off of me, but I don’t know if I even want to do that. Like I said, not trying can sometimes be best. It’s like this - I’d rather smoke and let it kill me than go through the stress, pressures and pains of driving myself crazy with trying to quit. Same with the baby. Why lower and humiliate myself by going to doctors and getting nowhere while God’s up there allowing unfit people and kids to get pregnant? I shouldn’t have to work at something that’s supposed to be natural.

My body and life are for God to do with as he so pleases and as he so sees fit. Not me or Tom.

I’m not as nervous as I should be about what Tom’s about to do to me, but I know that it’s gonna really do a number on me and our relationship. How long will it take for me to get over how hurt and angry I’ll be? What will his excuses be? How much will he try to pin the blame on me for his intentionally and knowingly lying to me? This is what I wonder?

He did get caught up on his sleep yesterday, but today he’ll be getting only 6 hours of sleep. This is what he’ll use as an excuse for starters. He told me he slept well yesterday, but now that’s gonna change to something like, “Well, actually you woke me up and different things woke me up several times, but I just didn’t want to tell you, cuz I didn’t want to worry you or make you feel guilty.” If anything woke him up (cuz I know how well he can sleep through anything), it was his own guilty conscience. Or his self-amusement over what he’s gonna do to me.

OK, well the next time I write will be after the appointment and after he’s broken day 1 of his promise.

Later...

It’s over. He broke his promise, just like I knew he would, and in the ways I knew he would. I hope he’s happy.

When we first started, I could tell right away he wasn’t into it and that there was no chance that he’d cum, cuz he was so soft. Then when he tried to go in there, he wasn’t lined up right. Then I pulled his dick too hard, which I didn’t mean to do and was sorry for, to try to line him upright. Then we started again and ended up with the same results.

That’s when I snapped. I could sense God up there laughing at me and his sheer determination to botch things up, as well as Tom’s. I began crying in fear and sadness over being so teased and controlled and went off on Tom, telling him I knew just what was going on.

He still had the nerve to say he was gonna stick to this bullshit promise, so we tried again by having him go up top. Naturally, he couldn’t get in there that way, either, and said he was too mad cuz of how I went off on him earlier.

Then he went out to watch TV to clear his mind.

Then he came back in and said he had time to reflect on it, was sorry that he overreacted, and then I told him again how I felt, but appreciated his apology. That’s when he snapped, saying I said mean things to him when he wanted to move on and had intended to keep his promise (bullshit!), then he said, “OK, I’m breaking my promise.” He said it so matter-of-factly, too, like it didn’t mean a damn thing.

So, everything played out just how I knew it would, except for one thing. He actually did apologize for breaking the promise. Not without implying that he broke it cuz of the things I said and did, though, but he did do just what I knew he’d do - say he tried his best, didn’t mean to or intentionally break his promise, then on and on with my being negative and saying mean things to him. So, he did blame me and said he tried his best and didn’t mean to break his promise. Then in the next breath, he says he doesn’t blame me.

Now, here’s what really happened, but of course, we don’t expect him to admit this part, do we? He deliberately botched up the angle and then blamed his reasons for breaking his promise, yet said it wasn’t my fault, just like we both knew he planned to and would do, all the while saying he tried his best. He’s just so obsessed with teasing me and playing with my head when it comes to the issues of sex. Then he turns around and implies that it’s my fault. And cuz I accused him of botching up the angle, he accuses me of it. He says that cuz I was so negative about it, I botched up the angle, cuz I set my mind up for this, anyway.

I’m sorry my husband thinks I’m that naïve to not see the truth and not see what his true intentions are, but all his denial in the world isn’t gonna make me believe that he didn’t botch up the sex and look for the perfect opportunity to break his promise.

His saying, “I made the promise cuz I was sure I could carry it through, even if I met resistance from you. I broke the promise. It’s my fault,” doesn’t quite cut it when he intended to break this promise. He doesn’t want no full-time sex life or a kid, he wants to tease me with sex, while he denies it, then says I did nothing wrong in one breath, then says in another breath that our problems with sex are cuz of me.

I know that God and myself had a part in this bullshit, too. I didn’t say no when he first made the promise, we tried to fight him (even though he planned to break his promise), God made me pay for it. I’m the one feeling hurt and angry and Tom’s not the least bit upset that he broke his promise. That’s why he was in such a cheerful mood all day. Cuz he was psyched to break this promise and get a kick out of my reactions. And that’s why he stressed the other day that he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. So that he could try to make me believe that. He doesn’t want me to believe, or rather, know for sure he’s playing with me, so he can keep on doing it, but I know better. It’s way too obvious.

It doesn’t make sense for us to have gone from working at getting him in there, to getting him off, to doing other positions, then back to not being able to get him in there. Not unless someone’s (or something) deliberately making sure that happens.

Well, like I said in my last entry, I’m sorry my husband has this dark side that makes him want to tease, hurt and anger me, but you know what? God and Tom will never get the chance again to mess with my head when it comes to sex. My days of “working” for sex, a baby, or anything else, are over!