And now there are 5 empty beds here! Just like I knew she would, Jamie ended up going to A100 today. She took a shitfit over lost pencils, from what I heard, and was banging on the door, going crazy. Bangert told her she could either go the easy way or the hard way. Then she left to pull her card and returned asking, “Are you done with your shitfit? Hurry up and roll up ‘cause they’re coming to get you.”

This is when I began singing some of the Funny Farm song, “They’re coming to take you away, haha, hee hee…”

I told Bangert how glad I was to see her go since she drives everyone crazy.

“I know,” she said. Then she put a finger over her mouth to quiet me as a lady sergeant and a male DO came and whisked the obnoxious little brat out of here.

Bangert later asked next door, “What the fuck is her trip?”

That’s when I heard about the pencils. Yeah, that’s something that would set her off. Anything would set that bitch screaming up a storm. She’d be sweet and polite one minute, on some delusional trip the next, then on a rampage.

“Way to go!” I told Bangert as she passed by my door.

With an amused smile she goes, “And you keep your comments to yourself, little girl!”

On her next walk, I was lying in bed facing the door. She walked by, then stepped back and grinned at me as if to say, “You little shit!”

Bangert cracks me up. She was bitching to me about those “damn bitches in Alpha who don’t want to clean up their pigsty.” One bitch told her to fuck off and she told them, “OK, you want to see a real bitch? You got till the sergeant gets here in 20 minutes to clean this place up, or I’ll cancel your Alpha program.”

Guess she told them really well! That Bangert’s a tough cookie for being the short, 50-something-year-old that she is.

I was the second one out. She woke me up by saying, “It’s your hour out, honey.”

I was too tired to walk the 20 minutes I usually walk, so I just called Tom. I told him about my talk with Mena, who talked with me a second time and calmed and reassured me a little. I told her I was afraid I’d end up killing myself over this and she said that that was silly talk, etc.

Then she said, “I’m not saying they don’t do transfers. Just follow the rules, because 90% of the people in here are in for violations. You’ll be OK, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over this. Just have a good rapport with your PO. They’re not out to make enemies. I know it’s hard being on probation. Your worries are normal.”

I know there are some cool POs, but I’m still afraid I’m destined for the rotten apple of the bunch. One big, giant, mean-looking, biased black or Mexican. I’m surprised they wouldn’t want to see us fuck up, too. They make more money that way. Especially if it’s someone who can afford commissary.

Once again, I cannot do what I cannot do, and therefore, I won’t do what I cannot do. I’m going home no matter what they say because my home is my home. Period. I’m not about to wander the streets of Maricopa County all because of something I’m supposed to have written years ago. And the monthly $40 probation fee is nothing but pure extortion money.

Tom still insists I not listen to what others say and that everything will be fine. He scared the shit out of me at one point when there was a knock on the door. I tried calling him back a few minutes later and got no answer. I tried for several minutes more and still got no answer. My worst fears were going through my head like someone robbing the place at gunpoint, but when I finally got through, he said someone got stuck at the corner.

He also reminded me that we told them 6 months ago where we live, and if they had a problem with it, they’d have spoken up then. Not necessarily, but let them. Let them speak up about it. I ain’t going nowhere.

Last night the juvi banged on the vent to get my attention and we talked for a few minutes. She wanted to know if I had a radio, then today when Bangert was on, she said G wanted to know if I had any batteries I could lend her. I told her I didn’t have any spare new ones, but that I’d gather up my half-dead batteries that still had some life in them and promised her she could have them next Saturday if she didn’t bug me during the week. Meanwhile, I hope no one else gives her batteries till then so I don’t have to listen to her whine to her damn radio.

I’ve been tired all day, but unable to nap so far. I really hope I can sleep late on Saturday.

Tomorrow begins my last everything – my last Sunday, my last commissary, etc.

Oh, Teddy Bear, please come back before I leave!

Felix is on now.

Mattie was telling me that her probation (she’s in for drugs) even requires her to wear a certain dress code.

Damn! Talk about being treated like a kid! What the fuck do clothes have to do with drugs, anyhow? Who cares what she wears as long as she stays clean?

It’s cold in here because of the storm. I knew it was storming before I heard about it on the radio. Even in this windowless cell, I could smell the rain. Plus, the skylight out there was too dark. The lights even flickered a few times and I could hear rumbles of thunder. I wish the cheap bastards would give us some heat tonight, but that won’t happen. At least the cool spell will only be for a couple of days and at least I’m not downstairs where it’s even colder. I went to put my thermal on for the first time since Teddy Bear moved me up here 34 days ago, but it stunk and I wasn’t about to wash the damn thing. So, I threw my shirt on over my gown. It helps keep me warmer.

Dinner’s here, and incredibly, it’s not hot dogs. It’s ostrich meat, which isn’t as good as chicken or beef patties but is still edible.

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The meat wasn’t so edible, after all. It had a funny taste and a rubbery texture that was kind of weird, so I saved the rye bread for later and ate the little cupcake, the rice, and the half-dead salad.