Barajas is on. She called me tiger like she sometimes does, shocked that I wasn’t pissed at anyone at the moment. I was wondering if she’d come back so I could bug her before I left. She said she requested to be here. Especially after being in B tower for 4 days in a row. She’s been teasing me, as usual.
I’m not using this allergy spray as much because it causes a post-nasal drip.
Yes! Teddy Bear’s on! I don’t remember her ever working a Sunday before.
Although deep down I doubted it, I had a slight worry that something I said in my kite may’ve offended her, but she hasn’t seemed to be the least bit offended.
As soon as Estrella’s Finest hit my door on her first walk, I said, “What are you doing here on a Sunday?!”
“Isn’t this my usual day?” she asked, then guessed that I had 13 days when I really have 6 and that it’s been two weeks since she last saw me (not quite).
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if she’s just playing with me or if she really has these moments where she gets stuck on stupid.
She said she’d tell me about her bird later, she’s already training it, and it’s doing well. Then she flashed me a cheery smile and walked off.
On Teddy Bear’s second walk, she had to hurry by to enter names into the logbooks of those in Alpha who went to church.
Oh her third walk, she told me her cockatiel was doing this cute little canary dance. She thinks it learned that from the canaries it was near in the pet store. She said she’s afraid to let her bird out in case he gets out the door, and that she may be traumatizing it by picking it up. She said she wasn’t sure at first if it was wise to get an older bird, but that she’s an old bird herself. When I guessed her age to be 37, she wouldn’t tell me how old she really is, but I take it she’s a little older than me. Maybe she’s even in her early 40s, but I don’t think she could be that old. At least I was right in guessing her to be 5’ 10”.
I showed her the pictures, and she was like, “Wow, your hair really was long.”
No, Teddy Bear. I’m a pathological liar. I just made that up.
She liked the picture of me floating with the rat on me. We discussed me shooting a picture of her with her arms spread, then me blowing up a picture of her bird and placing it on her arm, and maybe a giant rat on the other (it’d be funny if I dressed up in her uniform and made pictures out of that, too). She said that could be her Christmas card to people.
This Christmas? Well, she has our number. I made sure of that so that she has the option of getting together with me sooner if she wants to. No one here has to know if we get together before a year’s up, but of course, this has to be her call. I wonder if she’d call if my letter didn’t make it to her next year if she didn’t decide to call before then. Well, whatever it is she decides to do, I’ll respect it.
When I put the pictures back in the envelope, I gave her a choice and asked if she wanted them. She said yes (wish I had a picture of her to drool over till I get to see her again!), then she left, bitching about how she has to pee every hour.
I let her walk by without bugging her a few times, and I even slipped her another kite, since her time is limited.
She told me she has another job. “Let’s just say it’s more physical than this,” she said. She says it’s delivering stuff.
These guessing games we’ve been playing are fun. Let’s see…I think she delivers furniture. Could be UPS or something like that, too.
She says she can find any place, drives everywhere, and doesn’t mind it.
“Good,” I told her, “because I have a phobia of driving,” which didn’t seem to bother her. I’ve been testing her, so to speak, to see if she’s really as accepting as she seems, letting her know that we really are quite different, even though we share a knack for languages and mice. I want to make sure she’s OK with that because most people wouldn’t be. So many people have been hesitant to associate with me because I don’t drive, because my interests are different than most people’s because I don’t always hear well, because of my background, etc. People expect perfection and for you to be willing to be molded into what they want, but I’ll be damned if I’ll become that way myself. I ain’t no piece of clay.
I shouldn’t talk, though, and bitch about how people always have a problem with me because I always have a problem with them. I’m so picky about who I hang out with, be it as a friend or more. I don’t settle for just anyone and it’s so very seldom that I just take to someone like I have with Teddy Bear. I’ve opened up to her in ways I haven’t with anyone else here. Being around her just feels – I don’t know – so right, I guess you could say. I feel like I’ve known her for years, although 6 months in this place feels like years anyway!
Anyway, I’m glad she won’t mind driving out to where we live. I hope we can hang out at each other’s places whenever we can. I guess I’m still hoping we’ll be a little more than friends, though I’ll settle happily for a friendship.
You know, speaking of Tom, she’s never mentioned him once since we became tight. Except for that one time she said I had a good-looking guy when she saw his picture, and the time she recognized him at Visitation, she never mentioned him. She’s never asked how old he is, if he’s from here, where he works - nothing.
When I told her I had a cockatiel story of my own to tell, the doofus goes, “OK, let me come back the next time so I can be ready.”
Whatever. She cracks me up at times, but her goofy ways give her character. So does her slight lisp.
She was a doof again when I kited her. When I slipped it through the door, she goes, “Oh, thanks. I’ll read it.”
Really? Gee, Teddy Bear, I thought you’d eat it!
I gave her the basic highlights of why I dumped my folks, but that before I did, I taped Art on America’s Funniest Home Videos, which we’d say was America’s Most Wanted. She said she’s got to see that.
Anyway, when I started off by telling her my family consisted of a bunch of psychotics, she laughed. I think she thought I was joking, but if she only knew! I’ll make sure she never does, though, unless I’m asked about it. She does know about my jumping out the window and breaking my arm when I was 17. God, I can’t believe I told her that! Fortunately, though, she doesn’t seem like the sick type who’d use that against me, not that I can see how she could. It’s just that people tend to use bad experiences or fears to spite you when they get pissed at you. I can’t picture her deliberately setting out to hurt anyone or being vindictive in any way, though. I wouldn’t be this way with her, no matter how good she looks, if I didn’t trust her. I’ll just dump her if she turns out to have any dark surprises hidden in her closet. Of course, that’s what I said about the freeloaders – we’ll just move and they’ll be out of our lives, but look where that got me! It was obviously easier said than done because we can’t get these people out of our lives no matter where we go or what we do!
In the kite, I told her there’s property for sale near us (Dan’s) in case she’s interested in country living. How awesome it’d be to have her for a neighbor! I’m sure that’ll be in my dreams only, though. At least I wouldn’t have had to worry about her saying I wrote her a threatening letter and that I must be prejudiced against redheads!
Teddy Bear really goes with this place, too. I mean, I can just picture her living out here. She looks like a country girl.
I’m straightening my hair the natural way, which means I’m using some rubber bands because I only have two cloth ones. I’m doing it now because I know Teddy Bear won’t take my rubber bands away. Most of them aren’t as strict as Palma, but the more they’ve gotten to know me, the less they bother me with shit like that, anyway.
My God, I don’t believe it! She just asked me how much they want for the property. You mean she’s actually interested? I drew her a map of the 4 lots – ours, next door’s, Dan’s, the rentals. I told her what little I knew about the places, and she says she’ll find them. I gave her George P’s name too, as well as names of realtors I could think of. She asked if you could see mountains and have horses out there. I assured her she could (how cozy – me riding a horse while snuggled up safe in the arms of my big, strong, warm Teddy Bear sitting behind me).
The thought of having Teddy Bear out there is too good to be true! Well, I think I can consider myself lucky just to have her as a part of my life, no matter where she lives. As I was told years ago – enjoy whatever time you can with those you like and care about. Enjoy the moment and just settle for whatever you can get because something’s better than nothing.
I’m getting the impression that she lives alone. That ring could mean anything. Maybe her ex died, or maybe it’s her mother’s or grandmother’s ring (I got the impression her mother might be dead because she never mentioned her). Or maybe she just wants people to think she’s married.
Well, one thing’s for sure – she definitely likes me! Yes, she likes me, she likes me, she likes me! If I’d known she was going to like me back, I’d have been blunter and slipped her a note saying: I like women, my husband doesn’t mind, you’re a really cool person, and a damn good-looking one, too! I like everything from how tall you are to the color of your hair. From those warm chocolate eyes to that perfect ass, and if the truth hurts and I’ve offended you in any way, please don’t beat me up too bad!
I guessed her middle name, which begins with a D, to be Diane.
“Wrong,” she said.
Then I guessed Dawn and she was like, “Oh, thank you, thank you. That’s a pretty one.”
Then I asked her what she’d guess my name to be if she didn’t know what my ugly name was. When she came back after taking some time to think about it, she said she’d guess I was a Dawn or an April.”
I could hug her for that one, I told her.
When she comes in here the next time, I’ll try to see what I can vibe from her as far as the ring goes.
Well, that didn’t tell me much. All I got was a slight vibe saying that her favorite color might be blue, and she might dig country music. I don’t think I can even see her sign. I just know she can’t be a Sagittarius because I’m a Sagittarius and our personalities are too different. I don’t think she’s artistic, either. I didn’t see that. She can’t be a Gemini because she’s not a domineering bitch, Leo is the sign for crazy people, Aquarius is the sign for gay guys, and Taurus is the sign of the bull butch. She’s not a bull butch any more than feminine, so that leaves the sign for the brainy workaholics – Virgo. As mellow as she usually is, she could be Cancer like Tom, but I don’t know. I doubt she’s an Aries. That’s for desperate people. Scorpios are obsessive. I’m not really big on astrology, though. I just know the basics. Fortunately, I don’t think she’d be creeped out by people like me.
When she came in to offer Tylenol and Tums, she took my commissary sheet and said, “Let’s see what you say you’re going to be pigging out on (I told her I was going to order a bunch of shit for my last order). Pain relievers? Is that for after you pig out?”
“Or the headaches this place brings me,” I told her, “and for the weight of my hair, but I don’t want to cut it again.”
“So don’t,” she said.
It’s already just above my waist. I’ve been thinking of growing it long again. Maybe I will. Andy would say, “As if it wasn’t long already!” but no, it’s not. Not after being able to sit on it. This is rather short in comparison.
I wonder if he still does Stevie in drag. Poor Andy. Living in gay bars and getting high, having anything but a “gay old time.”
I said to Teddy Bear, “Just think of how much quieter it’ll be without me here to run up to the door and bug you when I leave.”
She looked away for a second as a slight look of sadness came over her, then she said, “That’ll be boring.”
I told her that if I didn’t know I was to see her again, I’d be bawling my eyes out.
“Aw,” she said.
I still might bawl my eyes out anyway.
I don’t think the sickos that put me here are going to start trouble again for me till I’m just about to get off probation in 10/2003. I doubt they’d want to mess with me sooner and risk the authorities beginning to wonder who the real victim is in this case, and me getting vindicated.
I’d like to think that someday I’ll be vindicated and that justice will be done with these people once they’re exposed for what they are, but as time goes on, I doubt it’ll ever happen. They fucked me over and they’re going to get away with it. Period. It not only burns me up to know I was thrown in jail for something I didn’t do, but it burns me up to know that this bitch and her people aren’t going to do any time for what they did do. When do they do time for the nasty phone messages they left? The trash they threw in our yard? The noise they threw at us at all hours of the day and night? The nasty notes they slipped in our mailbox slot? That’s a felony too; leaving notes in mailboxes. Again, if I’d only known what was going to happen, I’d have saved the evidence, rather than chosen to ignore their childish shit and focus solely on getting the hell out of there, which took us longer than we would’ve liked. I think to myself – damn, I wish I’d had guts enough to call the police more often. But like they themselves said, that’d only fuel their fire more, and they’d just be right back to their same old shit when they left. I don’t trust pigs, either.
When it comes to justice, there is no “justice.” Especially when it involves non-whites and people of authority. Tom reminded me that blacks are thrown in jail too, for shit they didn’t do. I know that. I never said minorities weren’t abused by the law. I just think they have the upper hand in the courts. A lot of people are afraid to rule against minorities for fear of starting riots.
When thoughts of the people that fucked me over eat at me and I find myself seething with rage, I remember my Teddy Bear. I remember that I did get something good out of all this shit.
Yeah, you bitch, you could steal my freedom, but you couldn’t stop romance from blossoming in M Dorm now, could you! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
At the same time, I know I’m taking a hell of a chance by associating with her and putting my trust in her. She may not be a cop, a judge or a lawyer, but she’s still an authority figure. She may look hot in uniform, but she still has a badge!
But life is about taking chances, and stupid or not, I’m going to follow my heart more so than my head and take a chance on her. She means that much to me, and they say I’m bold and gutsy for a reason so I might as well live up to my reputation for that.
It’s kind of ironic in a way because for so long I’d fantasize about meeting this wonderful, gorgeous woman in uniform. Like a lot of people, I’m attracted to a woman in uniform, and I don’t mean no nurse’s uniform, either! Then to have this woman jump out of my fantasies and into reality, even if it’s under some pretty bizarre circumstances, is really quite mind-boggling! I just never pictured her to be white and I sure as hell never pictured her to be a redhead!
Actually, If Teddy Bear stays as good of a person as she has been, then in a sense, I’d feel safer with her than with Tom. Not many people would be as quick to mess with an officer’s lady, even if that officer’s inside a jail and not on the streets. Also, she’s big and she knows karate or at least some kind of self-defense. Lastly, she’s probably got a gun. Although I’d be afraid to handle and shoot a gun myself, knowing she could if it was necessary (God, I’d hope not)! would make me feel a bit more comfortable, not that I’m some little priss. I happen to have some muscle of my own and some knowledge of self-defense. Also, just my screaming and yelling’s been enough to scare the shit out of people at times. There are advantages to being small as there are to being big. Small people can move faster and easier and are underestimated. Sometimes all it takes to defend yourself is being underestimated, and I will do everything in my power to defend myself if I’m ever forced to fight. I’ve had to do it before. Growing up, fighting and survival was a way of life for me.
What really shocks the shit out of me is that - I wanted her and I got her. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve failed to succeed in getting most of the things I’ve set out to get in my life. Well, this time sure was different! As much as I was trying to be subtle about my liking her because I didn’t want to come across as some cheap, trashy slut who did this regularly, and because jail is really not the place for that sort of thing, I basically threw myself at her at the same time.
Wouldn’t it be funny if she read this shit?
Oh, Teddy Bear, if you only knew the things I’ve written about you and all the dirty little thoughts I’ve had pertaining to you!
She’d probably die of a coronary if she read some of this shit, but then again, who knows for sure how she’d take it? It really would be funny if I ended up sharing this with her, but I worry about her reaction. She may find it rather unnerving to know I wrote about our discussions, let alone some rather X-rated thoughts and dreams. It might also not be a wise idea for her to read about what I think will happen between us. I wouldn’t want it to influence her. Then again, she strikes me as the type to have a mind of her own.
But the book gets good in the end, Teddy Bear! It really does! And just think – if this were made into a movie, you’d be one of the stars for damn sure! It’s kind of funny when you think about it – “the story of a girl who gets framed and thrown in jail, with a romantic twist in the end.”
Hmm…should I really let her read my little jailhouse book? I’ll just have to see what happens with us and how accurate my vibes are. I’ve got an 80% accuracy rate, not 100%, so I could be wrong in what I think will end up happening. I’ll just use my best judgment. I may even throw in a few surprises along the way in her copy just to see how closely she reads it. You know, a few segments here and a few segments there of pure bullshit.
If someone had told me I’d consider, if only for a second, sharing this with a DO, I’d never have believed it. I never would’ve believed it in a million years if someone told me that me and a DO would like each other, either. Then again, I wouldn’t have believed any of it. Not the framing, not the outrageous sentence, not Teddy Bear - none of it. Again, this is something we think only happens to other people or in the movies. It was never supposed to happen to me! Nonetheless, some of life’s best things really aren’t planned, and it’s true that we often meet the best of people when we least expect it, where we least expect it.
Although good came out of this, I can’t forget the fact that there’s still no excuse for what these people did to me. Meaning the black bitch, the pig, the public defender and the judge, and have to be dealt with and made to take responsibility for their actions. I’d love to ignore them and put them behind me forever, but I can’t do that. I can’t just walk away from this one, blow it off and act like it never happened. Somebody’s got to expose and stop these people from doing what they’re doing, and it’s obvious that it’s going to be up to me to set these people straight. No one else has done it and I don’t think anyone will. I’m not going to be cleaning up their act solely in the name of payback and punishment, but for the sake of protecting others from becoming victims, too. They need to pay the consequences of their actions, but I don’t yet know how, where or when this will happen. Mark my words, though. It will happen. I’m not going to turn the other cheek and send them a message saying that what they did was OK. It wasn’t OK and I’ll use every resource available to me to have them exposed/punished!
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