Espi finally worked here, and Fisher’s on now. She got a kick out of how I rock back and forth to the music.

I was beginning to think Espi wouldn’t make it back before I left. She said she’ll try to get in right before I leave.

As usual, we laughed and chatted, and she loved the jokes I told her.

Some Mexican girl came in last night. Rylel put her in with Jamie, then quickly pulled her out because the room was too small for her. She’s next door now. She seems kind of timid.

Laticia and her juvi pal were chatting again, but this time they did it on her hour out, so it wasn’t so loud and obnoxious.

Mary gave me the address of where she’ll be in Fort Myers, Florida. She’s leaving in a week or so. Earlier than she thought. I never thought she’d leave first! I’m going to miss her, too! The address she gave me is a jail, not a prison. She says she doesn’t know when she’ll return to Arizona. With her in a different jail, I’ll feel more comfortable about sending the last 4 months’ worth of journals to her, but of course, I’m still going to edit them. I’m not sure if I’ll send her everything at once, or a few pages at a time enclosed with letters. She said she’s got more testifying to do here, then in Florida. I wonder why two states? Hopefully, I’ll learn more about the case someday.

Till Mary leaves, there are only 2 empty beds here now. God, I wish I could stay alone till I leave!!!

I’ve been in this cell now for 25 days.

I can’t stop thinking about Tom, Houdini, home, and all the things I’m looking so forward to doing! How do I ever repay Tom for all he’s done for me? For standing by me? For writing to me? For visiting? For not getting jealous of Palma or Teddy Bear and thinking he’s no longer #1? For everything? As I said before, I feel just as guilty as I do angry over this shit.

As for Teddy Bear – I can’t get that woman off my mind! I think about her just as much. What’s so neat about her getting the mice from me is that she’s the one who brought it up. I told her I might give any extra babies to our local snakes, since pet stores aren’t close to us, and she goes, “Some mouse mother you are!”

This is around the time she said, “Maybe I’ll get some from you.”

A zillion questions run through my mind. Does she like me? Does she know I like her? How many people has she been with and for how long? Why did the relationships end (bet she’s never been with a stripper before)? She’s probably been with a guy at least once, but she always struck me as being more into women. I think she’s gay and not bi, but who knows? I can’t picture her hanging out in gay bars all that often, not that I blame her. Too many phonies, alkies and druggies in bars, gay or straight.

I know I really like someone when I wonder about them all the time. I don’t give a shit about most people, but when I find question after question running through my head, I know I’ve got a thing for them. I wonder about all kinds of things about her. Why is someone as wonderful as she is alone? You’d think someone would’ve grabbed her a long time ago. Of course, that’s what I said about Tom when we first met.

I wonder just how many other admirers she has in this jail. Peaches and I certainly couldn’t be the only ones. Am I the only one in jail she’s liked? Will there be others? As much as I don’t want the poor girl to be lonely and as much as I know she deserves someone, I’m like - Teddy Bear, please don’t forget me! Please don’t let someone else steal your heart! But I know it’s bound to happen someday, and as jealous as I’ll be, I’ll just have to deal with it and get over it. Perhaps not all good things come to an end, but most do. For now, all you other inmates – the woman’s mine!

I also wonder things like, what does she look like with her hair down? I wonder what it’d look like in a high ponytail once it gets longer. Nice, I’ll bet. She may look great in uniform, but what does she look like in casual clothes?

She doesn’t wear much makeup. Just foundation and eyeliner, but why she wears just eyeliner, beats me. You can ignore the eyeshadow, but you need to add some brown mascara to that eyeliner, honey.

What was her childhood like? What about the places she’s lived?

I wonder more about other jobs she’s had as well as about her job as a DO. I’ve always thought it was a fascinating job. Sorry, Tom, but Teddy Bear’s job is way more interesting than yours! If I was with her, I could see myself asking with interest how her night at work was once she got home. And after having been there, I’d know some of the people/places within the jail she was talking about. I certainly wouldn’t have to ask her, “What’s M Dorm like? Describe it to me.”

I wonder if she’ll ever be a sergeant. Probably not. She’s not mean enough.

What else do we have in common besides mice and foreign languages? I doubt she had the same shitty, abusive childhood I had. She doesn’t even sing. I can tell that by the way she talks.

Once again, I believe I’ll have all the answers someday. When I’m meant to know whatever I’m meant to know, I’ll know it.

Other signs that I like someone, besides being curious about them (I don’t think she’ll ask a lot of questions about my life only because most people don’t), is how my heart races when she approaches my door. Miss I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think is also more self-conscious and wanting to do right by her because of my fondness and respect for her.

I just realized that just because I may be forced to abscond from the probation, doesn’t mean I can’t see Teddy Bear. She wouldn’t have to know, but I couldn’t try to expose the lying, biased pig and sue Joe. I’d rather see Teddy Bear if given the choice (besides, not having any connections of my own as the black bitch did would no doubt prevent me from being able to sue Joe). I may abscond anyway. I mean, do I really want to give another 2 ½ years of my life to these freeloaders? I think I’ve put in more than enough time and money for those very sick creatures.

I’ve been a little more emotional lately, as the reality of my leaving slowly sets in. I’m sooo excited! But I’m scared, too. If only I could know I was worrying for nothing and that Tom was right in all he’s said about this probation shit!

Fucking freeloaders! Ugh! I hate them! Why, oh why, God, did you create such pitiful creatures?!