Boy, have I got a lot to update on! It’s all good too, for a change.

Finishing up with when Johnson was on – I asked if she could be here Saturday night, my last night here. She said she’d see what she could do but would at least try to let me know where she’d be, be it J, K, etc., so I could wave to her on my way out.

Not at 4:00 in the morning, I can’t. Doesn’t she know they kick us out in the middle of the night? Anyway, I’m sure she’ll work the last week, one of those days.

She asked me to wait a year before I write to her and I said that’d be fine and that if she wanted me never to write, that’s fine, too. She said, “No, you can write in a year and I’ll probably write or talk to you then.”

She has a computer so I’ll mail her my email address when I write.

She said she didn’t want me to feel slighted or that I wasn’t a good person, but their policy is to wait a year.

No problem, I told her. I wasn’t about to tell her that no such policy exists. That’s only for inmates visiting other inmates, but I understood why she was telling me to wait a year. Then again, maybe there is such a policy. She should know her job and its policies better than I do.

I wonder – if the policy was to never see an inmate on the outs, would she never see me again? I also wonder how it could jeopardize her job. If an inmate writes a DO sooner than they’re supposed to, it’s not the DO’s fault.

My new celly said she wrote a tent DO as soon as she left the last time she was in here, and it was OK. She said they don’t usually run and check to see if the writer was an inmate. Well, I think I’ll send Rule’s letter off right away because she’s tents, and put a hold on the others till it’s been a year. That’ll also give me time to get back in shape and slim down so I can enclose a decent enough picture with a rat (till circumstances make me fat again).

My new celly is 28-year-old Tiffany M, booked under the alias of Julie H, and she’s way cool. That’s why she’ll be leaving soon. She’s leaving the jail on May 5th but wants out of Ad-Seg in the meantime. She has friends in the dorms and her best friend is in A Tower.

Tiffany’s somewhat scrawny with brown hair and eyes.

It was 8 AM when Armstrong rolled Tiffany and two others out of A to come to M where Vasquez was waiting for them. At first I was pissed Vasquez put someone in here, and was like – why’s it always me?! Then Tiffany told me the others got cellies, too. A crazy black chick (according to Tiffany, who hates blacks, too) was put in with Mary, Myra and Peaches and an OK Mexican was put in with Mattie.

For no apparent reason, they rolled Teresa out to A. Vasquez said she didn’t know why (I wish they’d pulled loud-mouth Laticia instead). Teresa’s going to be miserable over there since she hates small cells, and those cells appear even smaller because of the extra bunks. It’s 10 times louder and filthier over there, too.

Tiffany was just as tired as I was yesterday, because she too, usually crashes around 2 AM. We both tried to sleep but were too wound up, though we rested and chatted a little. Tiffany’s a damn good listener and she doesn’t talk non-stop, either. She has a very pleasant, cheerful smile, two kids, a boyfriend in prison, and a girlfriend of 3-4 years on the outs. Like my main preference is Spanish, Tiffany’s is white.

I later apologized for not exactly giving her a warm reception after being alone for 3 weeks and being woken up out of a dead sleep so early. I pretty much snapped at her saying, “Just be quiet and don’t beg!”

The poor girl thought she was in for a nightmare. She said she understood how I felt, though. Her only negative is her bad breath.

Tiffany’s in for a variety of reasons and has been here for 8 months. She’s in for fraud, drugs, and is considered to be gang-affiliated because she’s an Aryan Featherwood and a member of Hell’s Angels.

When Tiffany asked me if I hated blacks, I told her that I think 80% of whites are bad, 85% Hispanics are bad, and 90% of blacks are bad. I don’t know enough Asians or Indians to judge them percentage-wise. It doesn’t matter, though. I hate everyone.

She also asked me if I cared about other people’s opinions/beliefs.

No, I don’t. I don’t care if others hate or love gays, blacks, whites, etc. Everyone has a right to feel as they do. You know what they say – opinions are like ass holes. Everybody’s got one.

I was telling her that the reason why so many people have a problem with me is that most people live in a black-and-white world, but I tend to stick more to the gray areas.

“What do you mean?” she asked me.

“I mean, most people are either against or for abortion. Me? I say that since birth control is pretty much 100% foolproof, people who don’t want kids oughta just use the stuff for a change. Then the only ones getting abortions would be rape or incest victims.”

She says she feels bad because she got her mom, who’s always been a druggie, into her fraudulent schemes, and her mom ended up here, too. They were in the dorms together.

Tiffany says this cool tent DO told her mom one day when she was visiting that she better get her shit together or else she’d be the one picking up Tiffany on her release date.

Except for the fact that I was dead tired and had 4 bouts of the runs, yesterday was a great day.

The Shadow Men, returned yesterday. Only I was ready for them this time because I was already awake. It was exactly one month since their last appearance, too. Oddly enough, though, they only searched 4. The cell Teresa was rolled out of.

Tiffany said she knew Becky, who’s as bi as most inmates are, from J dorm, but not what she was in for or when she’ll leave.

Tiffany also confirmed that Pérez and Arajo are gay. I knew it. I knew they were as straight as my hair, and that ain’t straight! She says she’s seen Pérez at gay bars with her girlfriend, and Arajo’s shown pictures of her girlfriend to people in the dorms.

I got a kick out of Tiffany reading my ceiling notes from when I was in here with the madwoman. She was like – what is this? Then after a while of listening to her reading the notes, I told her they were notes I wrote in February.

Tiffany has an 8’ Burmese Python that she’s had for two years. She paid $200 for it and it was only a foot long when she got it.

We were talking about how she’s so emotional for two weeks after getting out of jail. I can just imagine how I’ll be! I even miss TV, and TV’s not my favorite thing.

Futch cracks me up. I asked her for toilet paper and pads on her last walk which she forgot, so on this walk, she actually wrote a note on her hand!

I’ll probably still sleep with the fan on when I get home because if a non-consistent sound like music or engines were to start up, it’d still probably wake me up. As for sleeping with Tom – I still don’t know what to do about that one. Decision-making’s never been harder for me, so I guess I’ll let Tom make the call on that one.

I forgot to mention that when Tiffany was in the dorms, this girl who had a crush on Pérez wrote her a note telling her about it, and Pérez rolled her out to another dorm.

I’m surprised Pérez would do that.

She was laughing when I told her people either hate or love me, and rarely just like me, but it’s true. She also got a kick out of how I was saying I was as controversial as Madonna, but that’s true, too. For example, a lot of people disagree with me, but as far as I’m concerned, executing Ted Bundy wasn’t murder. It was simply killing a deadly animal. Abortion isn’t murder either. It’s simply killing something no different than a cluster of cells or a plant.

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We finally had chicken last night, and beef patties with stuffing tonight. We haven’t had stuffing since Thanksgiving. We also never had peach slices in syrup before, either.

OK, now I’m going to get the best part of yesterday over with once and for all.

Palma worked here! I couldn’t believe it when I saw Palma right after I informed Tiffany of my crush on her. She had her hair in a French braid this time. I’ve never seen it that way before. This is when Tiffany told me Palma does her hair according to her moods. She said she’s in an OK mood when she has her hair braided or in a ponytail, but when it’s pulled back in a bun – watch out! Funny thing too, because that’s exactly how she had her hair when she gave me her evil glare.

Tiffany also said that Palma’s a tweaker. That’s what others have said, too. Tiffany says it takes a meth user to know another one and said this was why Palma was most energetic during the beginning of her shift and then would suddenly appear tired when she was coming down. Believe it or not, they don’t do drug testing on these DOs.

So my girlfriend, who’s kind of my ex-girlfriend, is a druggie, huh?

Anyway, on her first walk, she shocked the shit out of both of us by not making me take the rats out of the window (Wilder, Futch and Tate have made disgusting faces at them). She even said, “Are those yours? They’re so cute.”

I asked her why she gave me the evil glare. She said she didn’t give me an evil glare, that’s just how she is, get used to it. Then she said she was probably in a bad mood.

Oh, yes she was, I told her. I was like – who the hell pissed in your coffee this morning!

On her second walk, I told her a joke.

On her third walk, she looked straight down at me and not up at Tiffany when we were on our bunks.

On her fourth walk, I asked if I could talk to her when she got a chance. I thought she’d tell me she’d catch me later, then talk to me real quick through the door, but nope! She unlocked the door right then and there and had me go sit down in the dayroom when she could’ve just talked to me right there. And she called me sweetheart, too!! When I’m not S, I’m babe, honey, girl or sweetheart.

So I sat at a table with her and told her more of my case and why I was apprehensive about leaving, as much as I was excited, and she was so empathetic, encouraging and supportive. She really listened to me and said, “I’d relax, sweetheart, and not worry about these people. Maybe stay out of the city as much as possible.”

She also told me to pray because the lord doesn’t give us more than we can handle. When I told her I felt I was being punished, and she said that maybe there’s a lesson to be learned in all this, I said, “Yeah, lots of lessons! I learned how to peel kiwis with spoons, trim my bangs with nail clippers, but most importantly - never complain to the city when your neighbors get noisy!”

We talked for about 10 minutes, then she walked me back to my room. She stopped on her way by 5 where the Mexican girl was who went home last night. The girl said hi to Palma and Palma asked why she was in Ad-Seg.

“Some girl in the tents,” said the girl with a shrug.

“You got sick of her shit?” asked Palma. The girl nodded, then Palma locked me down after I thanked her for listening.

I noticed she was also nicer to others. She didn’t treat them like she treated me, but she wasn’t being a bitch, either. She was no cell-bouncing, room-tossing maniac! I thought to myself – I’m either falsely crediting myself, or I tamed this woman!

While Palma was still at 5’s door, Nancy, who was smiling happily at me, got a big, happy grin from me as I walked by. She knew why, too! I remember thinking to myself – Mary, Myra, and Peaches are really going to tease me (good-heartedly, of course) about my private little meeting with Palma that wasn’t so private after all.

This time around, though, I never had any explicit dreams involving Palma.

Not long after my chat with Palma, it was visit time! Tom and I had 1½ hours together, but oddly enough, he was told I only had an hour. I rambled on and on about Palma, my excitement about going home and all kinds of things. He told me a little about work but said he didn’t have much else to tell me.

After Tom left, some chick next to me was banging to be let out. About 10 minutes later, O’Farrell came and got us. After dropping the chick off at B’s slider, he began to escort me down to M. He said, “I’m sorry about the wait. It’s just that she makes me mad, acting like my daughter, and my daughter’s 10.”

“No prob,” I said.

Palma walked up to greet us at M’s door right as we arrived at it.

“Palma, couldn’t you have waited another minute before coming to the door so I could have had enough time to steal a donut!” (a bin of donuts was sitting by the door).

She looked at me like I was crazy. Then the control station popped the door and she asked O’Farrell to hang on while she used the staff’s bathroom, and he did. Once Palma was locked in the bathroom, he lifted the bin’s lid with his foot and told me to take one. I did and stuffed it down the front of my shirt. He was like – shit! when he realized I was going to Ad-Seg and not Alpha because he didn’t have a key for that pod. He told me to drop the donut lower to my waist and fold my shirt over it so I wouldn’t have to walk with my arms across my stomach, and I did.

Palma never noticed.

As she was bringing me up to my cell, she asked who visited and I said, “That was Tom.”

“Your old man?” she asked.

I nodded.

She didn’t seem the least bit interested.

I told her I told him that one of my favorite DOs was finally back in M Dorm, then told her another joke.

When chow time came around, I watched her watch me all the way. Her eyes followed me all the way down the stairs. I hit her with another joke as I took my tray and she laughed pretty loud.

Tiffany and I agreed that she’d be the one to take the trays down (slowly) so I could be alone with Palma while she waited for Tiffany.

I was brushing my hair and I bitched about how my split ends were returning.

“I have a ton of them,” she said.

“My hair’s grown a lot since I’ve been here.”

“How long was it when you first came in?”

I showed her.

“It takes my hair forever to grow.”

“I have curly hair, but I straighten it,” I said.

“Why you straighten it, girl?”

“I just like it better that way. It’s more manageable, too.”

“How?”

“In here I’ve just been brushing it a lot as it dries, but on the outs, I have a straightening iron that does it, but it really fries my hair.”

I told her another joke as Tiffany returned, then a couple of walks later was her second to the last walk. She didn’t give me much of a farewell. She just said, without looking at me as she was unlocking the pod door, “You do good out there.”

On her last walk, I hid in the corner as a joke, but she never even looked in. I ran to the door and yelled out goodbye and she called back goodbye to me, I told her she was the best (almost), then threw myself on my bed and cried. I knew it was the last time she’d ever work here before I left.

Tiffany says she thinks she likes me, and that if she didn’t like me, she could learn to because she doesn’t treat anyone the way she treats me. She was as shocked as I am.

She took me downstairs to chat!

She called me sweetheart!

Tiffany said she heard Palma punched someone in K that got up in her face.

That’s something Palma would do. Slug ‘em good, Palma, slug ‘em real good!

Tate was on that night. 576 hours, I told her.

As soon as I went downstairs the next day, as expected, Mary and Peaches were commenting on how Palma really put the digs on me, and how much she seems to like me. I guess I wasn’t falsely crediting myself after all because Peaches herself was pointing out how much nicer she was to everyone else because of me, and how she didn’t toss anyone.