I’m pissed! Pissed and depressed, but mostly pissed. There are no visits other than legal visits today because the fucking visitation people are at Madison once a month, and of course, it has to fall on Tuesday. I guess this is a new thing. I feel like something’s teasing me with Tom and is determined to drive a wedge between us! So I wrote him a letter about everything I would’ve told him in person. Thank God I only have 2½ weeks left of this shit! I thought about asking him to come on Sunday, but with the way this guy works, I don’t want to put him out.

I asked Gibb if I could call him and she mouthed, “No, because I already told next door they couldn’t use the phone.”

No problem. I’ll get him on 2nd shift tomorrow night, more than likely.

Means worked earlier. She’s so funny. She grabbed the phone from Myra, who was talking to her cousin, and says, “Hi there!” really loud.

I didn’t fall asleep last night till 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning and was up by 7:00. Then I napped for a couple of hours in the late morning.

We were all pretty pissed last night because commissary never showed up here or in C tower. They didn’t come till this afternoon, and the stupid idiots kept my slip to credit me for the Kit Kat they say I didn’t get but that I did get.

Fine. Let them pay me for it. But why credit someone for something they didn’t get? Why not just not charge them in the first place?

The juvi has been amazingly quieter these last two days. She hums a few bars here and there but doesn’t carry on with the whining for hours.

Sadly enough, Teddy Bear’s off next Monday. Hopefully, she’ll come in some other day, although she usually does Mondays here. I hope she’s here at least once more before I leave. She said she should be. She’ll probably be in on my last Monday here.

Teddy Bear and I laughed together like never before. I’m totally crushed out on my big redheaded Teddy Bear! As I told Tom, if a friendship with her (preferably a little more) comes out of all this bullshit, then I could truly hug those freeloaders for it.

She was telling me she was from Georgia, and I asked her to guess where I was from. She was really close. She guessed New Jersey!

She was all excited about the new cockatiel she got and she stopped in several times to chat with me about that and other things.

She said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if your family was waiting for you with a cake and yellow ribbons tied around the trees?”

Not at 8:00 in the morning. And our trees – well – they’d be a little hard to tie ribbons around.

It was the confusion over something I wrote in a kite that was the funniest part of the evening. I wrote her the kite so she could read it at her leisure because it was a hectic night.

Before the kite, we were talking rodents like we usually do (I’m truly amazed at just how much we have in common), and when I was telling her I want to breed mice (if God will let me), she said maybe she could get some from me. It totally made my night to think of her visiting me someday!!! I mean, she’s just as beautiful as she is ugly and to know that someone this cool could like me, is a great feeling. I thought Tom was the only great person who could ever like me. It’s nice to have this really cool woman, for once, that I like, like me, too. How blessed I am to be liked by someone so special! And just when I was thinking how unfair it was that someone so wonderful would be in my life for such a brief time, even if these last 5½ months have been anything but brief.

She’s so smart, and she has a really good sense of humor. At the same time we have things in common, we’re different, too. I guess some people would find us a strange pair - a singer/dancer and a jail cop.

It’s also quite flattering to know that she obviously believes in my innocence. Stalking’s a serious thing, and I’d think that if you thought there was even a remote possibility that someone could be a stalker, you wouldn’t even think of associating with them for a second, no matter how much bigger and stronger you were.

Do I believe she’s for real? Yes, I do. She certainly seems sincere enough, anyway, but if she’s just playing with my head, it wouldn’t be the first time. I’ve been lied to, burned, and led on before. It’s nothing new. Still, I’d say that if she were all talk, then she’s a very good liar and a very good actress, too.

Please, Teddy Bear, don’t break the heart you stole!

I had asked her to keep the things I tell her between us (I’d do the same for her with anything she trusted me enough to tell me that may be personal), but once I’m out of here, I don’t care who she tells about us. I’m not the one who’s shy or has to work here.

I wonder – just what does she do with my kites? I wonder if she trashes them or saves them.

In the kite, I said that although I’d miss her for the year, good things were worth waiting for, and I hope to shock her with less of me (a lot more hair, though). I told her that in April of ‘02, maybe earlier, I’d start breeding, concentrating on the black and white ones. Those Oreo cookie kinds are her favorite. Then I’d contact her in May of ‘02 (I’ll put two males in with one female. That way if one shoots blanks I’ll have a backup).

I told her I had all kinds of pictures to show her, which she says she’d like to see.

Here’s where I really threw her and got us both laughing our asses off. I said she could meet my other friends too, only they weren’t alive. When she came into the cell after reading that, she was like, “Exactly what are these dead friends of yours?”

I burst out laughing and said that just because they weren’t alive didn’t mean they were dead. That’s when I showed her my doll pictures. She thought they were beautiful and could see why I’d call them my friends. She said she loves dolls, which surprised me. I wouldn’t think she was into dolls.

I feel bad for a lot of these inmates who’ll never have a Tom on the outs and a Teddy Bear on the ins, who’ll one day be on the outs, too.

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Right now, the last thing I want to do is hug those freeloaders when it comes to what major bodily setbacks they’ve caused. I’ve got a mouthful of cavities, I’m all flab and no muscle, and I’m 120 pounds. That’s what I get for being forced to live on sugar in order to keep from starving. Thank God I won’t be here when crazy Joe cuts out yet another meal. Eventually, all inmates will have to live on commissary. Those who can’t afford to will be given something like 10 pieces of bread a day with 2 pieces of ham and a piece of fruit. He’s crazy enough to do this, too. Anyone who can make people live like animals by having them live outdoors in tents like dogs in doghouses, especially in this climate, is capable of just about anything.

Sometimes you don’t realize how in shape you were till you get out of shape. I don’t have the stamina I once had. Walking doesn’t seem to make a difference. As I said, I may not bother losing weight/inches just to lose all my hard work by ending up fat again. And besides, I can’t lose something I don’t have, so if I don’t get thin in the first place, I can’t lose it. I don’t know, it’s just so much work for so little at this age, but at least I’ll eat healthier.

Gibb was bitching about Nancy D to room 4. “I remember her,” I said as I was coming up the stairs from dumping my trash. Then I started to say, “She wanted me for a celly so she could…”

“She wanted to lick you,” Gibb filled in.

Yup, she did. I can’t believe how many of these inmates have hit on me and how many DOs have let me know in their own subtle little ways that they’d do me if they could. What do they see in me? Why a 35-year-old, middle-aged person who’s 20 pounds overweight? I can just imagine how it’d be if I were still “Mystery,” the 26-year-old topless dancer that was 5 feet of steel! I was literally skin, bone and muscle. At least I’ll have gained only 8 pounds during my time here and not the usual 30 or so pounds most people gain.

I’m just so happy about Teddy Bear! It’s like I want to shout out to everyone that she likes me, but although we aren’t doing anything wrong, and although she’s been very professional, it’s our secret. Kind of like a game we play, even though we’re not pretending. The only one who knows right now is Tom.

It’s kind of funny how I was bitching to Teddy Bear about being hit on so much only to end up flirting with her! The poor girl must’ve been pretty confused at first.