Tomaszewski cellied me today after 4 people came to M Dorm. I got the best one – Misha N. She’s a lot like Tiffany, who was quiet, sane and slept a lot. She has her own commissary too, and says she sleeps from around 11 PM - 3 PM. Great! She takes Prozac, too.

She’s my age and is in for manufacturing, though she says that’s not what she’s guilty of. She said she ran an escort service. She goes to court on Wednesday and thinks she might go home that day. She doesn’t have a great face, but she has a body to die for.

She’s easy to talk to and she’s had some interesting stories to tell me. She’s had pet rats, too.

I told her about Teddy Bear. Misha agrees Teddy Bear’s funny and cute when she blushes, though she has no crush on her or any other DO. She digs how shy, yet cool Teddy Bear is, too.

She said she seems like a lonely person. That’s the impression I’ve been getting lately too; that’s she’s all alone. All she ever talks about is her bird and other pets she’s had. Never a lover, kids, or anyone living with her.

Misha says it does sound like Teddy Bear likes me, yes she always thought she was gay, and she always thought Palma was bi, too. I told her that I was afraid I may’ve been too subtle in getting my message across to Teddy Bear about my liking her, yet Misha says she’d have to be hit by a Mac truck not to know. I’m 99.9% sure, though, that she likes me and knows I like her.

Misha asked if Tom minded and I told her he didn’t. That’s what makes this guy so great. He’s him, I’m me, and he doesn’t try to control or change me. He’s not the jealous, insecure type.

I only slept 2-3 hours between the excitement of leaving and thoughts of Teddy Bear and our talks. At least I was already up when Misha came. It’s nice to have been awake for once upon getting a new celly.

Thank God I’m not in 2 or 5 because it’d be thunderous. It’s like A Tower right now with everyone screaming through the vents.

The pregnant black chick returned to A Tower, so there are still one or two beds available. Zapata, who nobody likes, is alone in 2. She was here last when Ida was here. Then there’s a nut next door named Beverly, who I’m really lucky I didn’t get. According to Misha, she’s a major beggar. Yeah, I can already see that. She was begging for Misha’s lunch earlier.

Before I finish up with when Teddy Bear was last here – I know now why I was meant to be here. They were right, all those that said there’s a reason for everything. I believe there’s a reason for everything too, but I thought the reason for my being here was because something wanted to punish me. I still believe that, and I’ll always believe that. However, I know now that one of the biggest reasons I was meant to be here was to meet Teddy Bear. There really would’ve been no other way for us to meet. Not with me living like a hermit way out in Nowhere Land. Therefore, we had to be forced to come in contact with each other. What better way than to have me thrown in jail, huh?

Misha takes no offense to my hoping she’ll be out of here Wednesday. I never thought I’d be wishing for a good celly to hurry up and leave! Normally, I try to hang onto them as long as I can to spare myself from any psychos, but I really hope she’s gone before Teddy Bear returns. She’s going to be pretty reserved, understandably, if Misha’s still here when she gets back, even though nothing she’s said or done could get her in trouble. She’s still been a DO in every sense of the word. There’s been nothing unprofessional about her just because we like each other.

Teddy Bear said she’d be back Monday or Thursday. It’s Monday now and Chavez is on, so that leaves Thursday. Good. That’ll give Misha time to get out of here and me time to catch up on my sleep.

Oh, please! A whole 20 minutes before she serves chow, Chavez tells us to get ready for chow.

What does she expect us to do? Brush our teeth? Curl our hair? Put on makeup? Fancy dresses?

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We finally had chicken on the bone. I think the hot dog curse might finally be over, too. Teddy Bear said that maybe the combination of her and Jane (Peaches) being here is what brought it on. I think they may’ve actually run out of the fucking things.

Sonja, which is the kid’s name next door, has been quiet. She yelled to me last night that she would tell her next-door neighbors to quit banging. She yelled at them that she wanted to go to sleep. I told her I wouldn’t forget to roll the batteries under the door on Saturday.

I was surprised when Teddy Bear told me she gets that moon face when she eats too much meat. Maybe she puts bad stuff on it or maybe she’s mostly talking about fried meat because meat shouldn’t make moon faces.

She says my face isn’t that bad.

Yes, it is.

Then she goes on to say that the image of beauty has changed and sunken cheeks are no longer in.

Ain’t no beauty in this beach ball of a face!

She’s off Tuesday and Wednesday, saying that on Tuesday she’s helping a friend move. I wonder if her friend’s gay, too.

Wednesday, she says she’s starting a whole new business, and I was like – damn! Three jobs?! She’s superwoman, she says. She sure is and I wonder if this would mean she’d look down upon homemakers. Everyone else but Tom does, so why wouldn’t she?

I used to think that anyone that could think of being with someone else while they’re already with someone can’t love the person they were with to begin with, but now I see I was wrong about that (just like I used to think all people that went to jail were scum that deserved what they got). Tom’s Tom and Teddy Bear’s Teddy Bear. There’s no connection, despite some of their similarities and my being bored with sex with Tom. It’s not that he’s bad in bed. It just gets old after so many years and I just miss being with a woman. Another thing is that this isn’t something you exactly plan, either. I didn’t plan to fall for her. It just happened. We don’t really have any control over who we like and are attracted to any more than we can choose what colors or flavors we like.

I still can’t say for sure that anything will happen between Teddy Bear and I, but I think it will. We both like each other and I can’t see why it wouldn’t unless she met someone during the year. Someone who, unlike Tom, wouldn’t go for us getting together in any way shape or form. Although I’ve never been with a woman since being with Tom since April of ‘93, I think we knew I would eventually be with one here and there, but certainly not just anyone, since I’m so damn picky and rarely meet new people being the homebody I am. I’m sure neither of us ever thought it’d be a DO in a jail that I was in!

I think I’ve been needing a woman in my life more than I realized. How nice it would be to have a lady in my life who’s in the same state, who’s gay, who has a great personality and great looks, too! I think it would really make my life complete.

I wish I could say it was just lust that I felt for Teddy Bear, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some feelings for her. How could I not after all she’s done for me? I try to tell myself I can’t possibly feel the way I do since I don’t really know her, but I know what I’m feeling. She’s just as good on the inside as she is on the outside. Yes, I’ve seen her have her moods just like anyone else, but 90% of the time she’s so bright and cheery. She’s got a great sense of humor and she’s so smart. She really has a wonderful personality and I see how easily someone could love her. When she’s on, I know I’m going to be OK. She really cares about me and I could never take all the help she’s given me for granted. She really made my life here a lot easier. Not just by chatting with me, but by keeping me alone as much as she could. Especially since, in the end there, a lot of my cellies were either crazy or hitting on me or both. It shocks me to think – an authority figure that likes me?! That didn’t take advantage of her power over me and fuck me over in any way?! That actually cared enough to help me?!

Do I think she’ll change into some monster? Maybe with a serious brain tumor or two, but no, I don’t think Teddy Bear has any hidden demons in her. I don’t think she’s wearing any kind of a mask and putting on an act to cover up any hidden beasts inside her. Nobody can act that well, anyway. Not even me, and I may be an average singer, but I’m an excellent actress.

Misha was pointing out how much bigger she is than me, though she thinks we’d look good together – her with this cute little fem-fem, she says. Yes, there’s quite a height difference, but I like that. I’ve never been with a woman as tall as she is, but believe me, I adore all 5’ 10” of her.

At first, even I asked myself – do I really want to be with someone who could break me in half so easily? But she doesn’t seem to have a violent streak of any kind and I don’t sense any danger. Like I said before, I’d feel safe with her. Not threatened. She probably only swears once for every dozen times that I swear, too.

She sure is strong, though. Once, when she moved me to 3, I was struggling to throw the extra mattress up top. She took it from me, looked down at me and said, “You don’t have to help me,” with a bit of an amused look on her face, then hurled the thing up there like it was as light as a feather. I was like – wow! And she seemed so happy to help me too, like it made her feel really good or something. It was rather sweet.

I remember when I first saw her. At least I think the first time I saw her was in November when Kim and I were in 5. She was running up the stairs. She seemed so happy and energetic, too. So full of life. But then I ended up spending 95% of the first two months in A Tower and Palma diverted my attention away from her. Believe me, though, there’s nothing at this point short of Teddy Bear herself not wanting anything to do with me that could divert my attention from her. This is omitting Tom, of course.

Payback will come soon enough. She did for me and I’m going to do for her. At least I hope I get the opportunity to if she really is lonely. Well, Teddy Bear, if you are lonely and you still want to get together, I promise you you won’t be lonely anymore!

I wouldn’t care if she talked non-stop, either, because she’s always got funny and interesting things to say. I’ll spend all the time I can with her. Not just because of all she’s done for me, but because I’ll want to. I’ll be there if she ever needs a shoulder to cry on just like she was there to listen to me pour all my troubles and frustrations out on her.

Living a “double life” might be fun and adventurous and I think I’d like the variety. She and Tom work different schedules so the time I spent with one wouldn’t interfere with the time I spent with the other. Of course, I don’t know how she’ll feel about a part-time relationship. I know that someday she’s going to meet someone she’ll want to be with full-time and I’ll never see her again, but I believe that we all need to just take whatever time we can get with those we care about. Teddy Bear may decide she’s all or nothing and not want anyone part-time. After all, it wouldn’t be fair to her to expect her to always be someone I see on the side. She’s going to want someone who’ll live with her and be with her every day. Someone more suitable for her than I am. She does seem like the all-or-nothing type, too. On the other hand, keeping it part-time might keep it special for both of us. She may like the idea of having a live-in that she’s with full-time like I am, but then having a lady on the side, too.

This is where Misha and I disagree with each other. She thinks I am suitable for her and that I’ll end up leaving Tom for her. Her attitude is basically – I’m gay so I belong with a woman. I know Tom’s a big boy who could get along just fine without me, but I just couldn’t go dumping on him like that, and the reason I don’t think she’d find me suitable for her is that we’re different. I like opposites, but most people like equals, although Misha thinks that our different personalities would be something she’d like. She thinks she’d like my feisty, spunky ways and that we’d be good for each other and that I’d bring a little bit of wildness into her life and she’d bring a little bit of calmness into mine like Tom and I do with each other.

Like Tom, she’s more of a non-moody, passive type, whereas I’m an aggressive bitch, always whining and complaining. I agree that in a lot of ways we’d be good for each other and would enjoy each other’s company, but I think she’d get sick of me after a while. I don’t think she could enjoy living with me, but I sure wish I could hide out with her till April 29th!

I think the biggest problem would’ve been the job issue. It worried me a little when she mentioned all these different jobs. We’re living in a time when homemakers are labeled as lazy users. Even those who just had kids are expected to pick themselves up as soon as they leave the hospital, throw the kid in daycare, and get right back to work. Just like I would with anyone, though, I’ll dump her if she can’t accept me as I am. I am a homemaker and if I’m a lazy user, then so is Tom. If I’m using him for money, food and rides, then he’s using me as a cook and a housekeeper. It makes my blood boil when people say, “He works hard for you yet what do you do for him?”

I cook our food, I wash our clothes, I clean our house, I care for our pets, I give him emotional support when he needs it, I listen to him and much more so that he doesn’t have to on his days off. That’s what I do. So, as I’d tell anyone – if you’ve got a problem with me because I don’t work outside of the house and get a paycheck with my name on it, then don’t have anything to do with me.

Another area in which we may’ve clashed would be because she seems to be quite a people person and I’m not. So she may have had a lot of company. I wouldn’t have had to entertain them too, the whole time they were there, though. I could’ve gone off into another room to do my own thing, I suppose.

Nonetheless, if I were single, I’d love to be with someone like Teddy Bear. She would’ve been good for me. I don’t know how I know this. I just do.

Teddy Bear, will you be my husband in my next life? I promise I’ll get with the times then. For every one job you have, I’ll have two, and I promise not to clean or cook a damn thing!

We sure would’ve had an interesting story to tell those who asked us how we met, that’s for sure!

Misha thinks Teddy Bear would love to be the breadwinner since she’d be the dude in the relationship, but again, I disagree with that. I think she’d want a career person (Hey, she’ll just have to press her own shirts, clean her own house and cook her own damn food).

I also doubt she’d want someone so unique. Someone who doesn’t have a sleep/schedule disorder. Someone who doesn’t need to sleep with a fan on for both circulating air and to drown out background noise. Who doesn’t like to draw on walls and rock back and forth to music. Who doesn’t paint their nails blue, green, white, black, yellow, red, pink, purple, and every other color under the sun? She’s lucky I’m not like I was a decade ago! I pinched and squirted rude waitresses with coffee creamers, I threw snowballs I froze in my freezer at people, I stole books and CDs in the mail, I made prank phone calls to people with funny names, I shoved gum in keyholes, I mailed guinea pig turds to bosses that fired me, I crossed people on the phone using 3-way calling, I ordered and sent people pizzas, I called cabs for people, I called electric companies as other people and had their power turned off when they’d fuck me over.

I was a very naughty girl.

“I guess I just wouldn’t have seen much of her with all those jobs she’s got.”

“I think she’d quit some of them,” Misha said, “and remember, she’s well aware of the fact that you’re a convicted felon, and that guilty or not, you can’t exactly get a job easily enough. She knows you don’t drive and that if you worked 1st shift you’d rarely see each other. She knows that she’d have to be the one to pick you up at night if you worked 2nd shift when no buses were running. She also knows that if you worked 3rd shift she’d have to race home from work, then race back out to bring you to work. She wouldn’t want that, and besides, she strikes me as the jealous type, don’t you think?”

“Nope. I think she’s the kind that could take me or leave me if I was her girlfriend, though I must admit I’d be rather flattered at the idea of her being at least a little on the jealous side.”

Misha had a point about the job issue. I mean, what would I say I’ve been doing for the last 15 years? Hanging out at the beach? I can just see myself answering that question by saying, “Well, I was a housekeeper at a hotel when I was 20, but I got fired for punching out a coworker who lunged at me in a rather menacing way. Then my daddy had me thrown on disability, saying I should’ve been on it all along after the government screwed up. Then nearly a decade later I did some rather explicit modeling, sang a little bit, shook my ass in strip joints, became a homemaker, then became a convicted felon in another 5 years, only I truly am innocent.”

Although I decided Misha was dead serious about all she predicts for Teddy Bear and I, I still can’t see it. She made my heart skip a beat, though, when she made a major point – I couldn’t see myself getting married, either. I swore I’d never get with a guy. I was 1000% sure of it.

Little did I know I’d end up “twice loved,” so to speak. I feel doubly blessed to have two loves, a man and a woman.

I think the hardest part about being married is knowing I’ll never know for sure just what would’ve happened with Teddy Bear and I. It’s really neat to know I’d finally have someone and that I wouldn’t have been alone all my life like I thought I would before meeting Tom. Again, I just don’t know how far it would’ve gone or for how long. That’s something I’ll never know because I can’t throw away the 8 years I’ve been with Tom. Especially when 95% of it has been good. The only thing this marriage lacks is good sex. And I may not be attracted to him the way I am with Teddy Bear because you just can’t compare men and women, and I’ve always been more attracted to women in general, even if Teddy Bear’s not my usual type. With Tom, it’s more of a physical attraction, but it’s more sexual with Teddy Bear. I’m not going to lie - whenever I picture myself in intimate relations with someone, it’s her face I see. Still, you don’t throw away 8 good years with someone just because someone else turns you on and makes you laugh. The not knowing what was going on in Tom’s life would eat at me constantly. I’d always be wondering how he was, where he was, who he was with, if he was happy/healthy.

Also, I couldn’t just throw away this big, beautiful house and our land. I know houses are just material things, but there would be a major security risk in leaving Tom. If I left Tom and was with a woman, any woman, and that woman decided to toss me out on the street a year later, where would I go and what would I do? With asthma and allergies, I also need medical insurance, and the bigots of Arizona haven’t legalized gay marriages yet, so I’d be fucked right there without my own insurance.

Meanwhile, all I can do is guess as far as what it would have been like to be with her. If you asked me what I think will happen versus what I hope will happen, the answer’s different depending on how you asked. If I were single, I’d hope we’d love each other and be with each other full-time. I think she would’ve made me very happy and that I’d have loved being Dawn Johnson, and every day I’d be wondering what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as she is (like I do with Tom). I think she would’ve snored bad enough to make me want to stuff a rag down her throat, though!

I must admit that although curiosity sure is a killer at times, it is fun and kind of entertaining to close my eyes and wonder how things would’ve been. I see us in a lot of different scenarios, besides some rather explicit ones. I see us watching movies together, cuddling, talking, going places, etc.

Since I’m not single, all I can do is hope we’ll get together as much as possible and maybe even spend some nights with her. That’s what I hope will happen. What I think will happen is that we’ll get together once every 1-3 months. I think it’ll go beyond friendship and that it will be intimate, but again, I can’t guess as to the extent of it. Time will tell, though.

Would I feel guilty if we ever did it, be it just once or more than that? No. I’ve already let Tom know all about Teddy Bear. He knows what could happen, and he’s never uttered a word of protest, so I wouldn’t be “cheating” on him. Also, it’s a bit hard to feel guilty over something that just seems so right. At least the thought of it does, anyway.

Who knows, though? Maybe I’m way off. Maybe she’ll forget all about me. Maybe she’ll change her mind. Or maybe her feelings aren’t what I think they are. Maybe she’ll just want to be friends. Maybe she’ll have a wife by next year. Either way, I’ll take whatever time we may have with each other. She’s just so sweet!

“It’ll be Tom’s fault if you make it with her,” Misha told me.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you said he neglected you sexually in the beginning.”

“That was in the beginning.”

“You’d be surprised how the past can affect the present.”

“Maybe so,” I said,” but I just don’t see a connection. He and she are two separate issues. My attraction for her would be the same with or without him in the picture and if we do anything, that too, will have nothing to do with him. This isn’t about me not being loved enough or anything like that. This is simply about me liking Teddy Bear and being attracted to her, and I’d have felt this way single or not.”

Tom’s lack of sexual drive turned me off a bit in the beginning, but now, it really doesn’t matter whether he was horny all the time or never horny.