As I knew it would be, this birthday sucks so far. Tom’s getting me back for ruining his birthday last June. To go over it again, well, last June I was still having a hard time accepting the fact that I could never have a kid and was really upset about that as well as his not cumming. Back then was when the truth was just starting to hit me so it was a very depressing time for me. I wasn’t able to accept and say to myself back then, “OK, he did a raunchy thing by lying to me. He knew damn good and well he never intended to cum and he sure as hell doesn’t want a kid. I will never forgive him and I shouldn’t have to, but I love him to death nonetheless, no one’s perfect, we all say we’re gonna do things we don’t mean to do and there’s still so much good in him. Like 95% of him. So, just accept it and know that a kid was never fated to be anyway and that it’s not for you.”

He’s the kind of guy, like me, who gives what he gets.

Now while he does have a problem with being asked certain requests, he’s gotten better, so I wasn’t surprised when he used my asking him to please make sure he puts my coffee can covers on tightly as an excuse to make my day rather lousy. He then said OK, pretty solemnly, then walked away. I asked where he was going, and he said he was just staying out of my way. Then I said, “Oh, yeah, I get it. Payback’s due cuz of what happened on your birthday.” Then I said we could fight about it and he said he didn’t want to ever fight with me. Yeah, sure. I’m sure he got a kick out of it much as all this teasing with sex/kid.

I said nothing was going on (he asked me, probably hoping I’d bring up the issue of a kid), but that I could make something up if it’d make him happy. He just muttered goodbye and left.

Someone’s next door right now with a big truck and I saw someone cleaning the front door. I wouldn’t be too shocked if someone moved in today since both Tom and God are gonna see to it that I don’t have too good of a day as payback for my spoiling Tom’s birthday. The only difference is that I didn’t mean to ruin Tom’s birthday last June. He intends to ruin mine. I can almost bet he’s at work now thinking of how I’m still not pregnant and laughing his ass off about it.

How can I feel so loved and blessed by this man, yet so manipulated and played with? For the last week, he played with me on the issue of sex like crazy. Now we had fun over his days off, laughing and joking and this and that, but in between, I had to deal with his fucking games.

Saturday, he went down on me, then I went to take care of him and he said he didn’t feel like screwing. We hadn’t screwed for days before this. Now you tell me…what kind of red-blooded man can do that? Before going down on me he was in the bathroom for a while claiming to have to take a dump. I think that was when he relieved himself. If I relieved myself 5 minutes prior to doing whatever that took me only 10 minutes to do, I wouldn’t be in the mood to fuck around either.

It’s like he’s even teasing me during sex. He used to almost always lick my pussy perfectly, but now he’s constantly going too high, too low, too light, or too hard.

I just wish I knew what I did to make him feel the need to do this to me. All I ever did was ask to have a child and help with the singing. His voice said yes, but his actions said no. I may no longer want to be a singer and a part of me may want the kidless, but must I deal with this year after year? It’s like, OK I get the message. We won’t have a kid and I won’t sing, but do you have to keep playing games with me?

I also hope he knows I won’t be going to any doctor in April of ‘97, but as if he’ll be crying over the loss of that anyway. Right! That’d make his day and if someone didn’t know any better, they’d think he won the lottery.

He’s still crying “no opportunity” and that he needs time. Well, it’s been two years, so how many more does he need? I’m not playing this game year after year. He’s made sure he’s been taken care of by not letting us have a kid and now it’s time for me to take care of myself and I will ask Dr. Rausch about that injection the next time I see him. If I don’t, this will go on year after year and he’ll insist the injection will “ruin his life” year after year. There’s no way in hell I’ll allow myself to put up with that. I respect myself. And if someone wants to call that selfish, let them.

The only positive thing there is to say about sex is that I finally got into doggie style, but not the usual way. After he went inside me when I was on my back, I rolled over on my side with him still in there and he laid behind me also on his side like usual.

Since I’ve brought it up, he keeps going more often after I cum just to please me and also as a cover for the truth about him. Right as he’s about to cum he stops, tensing his muscles to stop himself and I know this can be done cuz even I could do that to myself.

I just don’t see how he can live like that. That’d drive me crazy.

Just the other day he said he still felt our dreams were still inevitable. This isn’t what he told me a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago, he told me he used to feel that way, but is no longer sure of it.

Yesterday he said we could screw at the end of the day when he knew he’d be too tired and it’d be much easier for him to hold back and all I did was say that I thought he liked it better in the morning. Then he said that cuz I was acting like it was a big deal (which I wasn’t) he thought it’d be best if we didn’t screw.

Finally, I screamed at him demanding that he either screw me or he doesn’t and he keeps his mouth shut. I’m getting so sick of his shit that for an instant I felt like grabbing him and beating the shit out of him. This is a man I know I could severely hurt, so I just ran out of the room.

I finally figured out another thing about God and again I wonder what took me so long.

Remember how I said I wondered why God had to help Tom to be the way he is (yes I do believe that God does have some control in the way we are) when all God has to do is make sure I’m sterile? Well, I realized that these are two separate issues and that all my life there’s always something going on with me that’s weird, unusual or abnormal. It’s part of my plan. If it weren’t for his not cumming, it’d be something else. God felt he had to do this cuz I resolved some of the ordinary issues in my life. Except for the sleeping schedule problem, that is. God’s always gotta do something. That means that if Tom came, he’d go do something else.

Or maybe God really does hate gays and cuz I’ve slept with women, I get paid back by a guy who won’t get off and by my never having a child.

I want so badly to tease Tom back with issues of sex, but I can’t cuz it’s no tease to him. I really believe this guy is not one bit attracted to me sexually and that while he only does stuff with me when it’s convenient to him, sex is all for me and he wants no part of it. Oh, I know he loves me, but there’s no sexual desire for him in me. It’s all for show when he grabs my ass or something which isn’t that often compared to the average guy.

While I’ve gotten way, way used to his low sexual drive, if he were like Brenda or Kacey for a month, I’d be more than happy for him to always go back to his usual ways.

Anyway, it was an hour or so after I screamed about his teasing me and enjoying it that he did me, but only to please me.

He brought up his hoping I wouldn’t stay angry at him and I think he meant about the kid. Well, like I said, I’ve gotten used to the facts and accept them as they are, but whether or not I want a kid is beside the point. The point is that he told me a great big lie and that’s nothing people ever forget. I’m not as angry, I do forgive him, but I will never forget.

He did admit to being wrong about giving me timetables, saying that I pressured him for them which is true. Every month to every week he says he’s gonna cum. He said he’s not gonna say we’re gonna have a kid in 3 years or tomorrow. That’s nice, but what he really needs to do is say the truth. That we never will.

When someone does something bad to you in a big way, an apology always helps, even though it can’t undo what’s been done. I still want the day to come when he spills the truth out.

You see, time really is my best friend and without an apology, I’m still gonna get over it and accept it, even though I’ll always remember it cuz that’s all one can do and that’s normal, but an apology might help finalize it.

Later...

Andy called and we talked for a while. He said he’ll be over with my birthday present on Wednesday or Thursday. He said he wanted to come today but his car’s being worked on. Part of God’s doing? Yup.

Anyway, while we were talking I was gonna call the Springfield weather line, but then I said, “Let’s be Jewish and call the free 800 number to the Sheridan hotel.” The woman that answered said it was cold and to bring all kinds of stuff to keep warm if I were to visit. Stuff like warm coats, mittens, scarves, etc. Andy and I were cracking up.

My right wisdom teeth are bugging me. Just what I need. They’ve been giving me discomfort for 3 days now and I hope to hell they don’t get infected. I know they’re gonna have to be yanked. I just hope we have the money to deal with it before it turns into any big deal if it does.

After I spoke to Andy, Tammy called. She’s been pretty busy. She asked me what Mom and Dad sent and I told her. She also said she forgot to mail my birthday card, but I really wonder if she’s got one. She isn’t into sending cards.

As I said, I spoke to Larry last night who was beat. I talked to Sandy much longer and it was really cool to talk to her. That was my first real grown-up conversation with her since I was still practically a kid back when we last saw each other.

I was rubbing in the cold and snow she has to deal with and she was cracking up over how I asked that bitch Stacey at the Vista Ventana if I could store a bike if I got one in the cellar. She was laughing at how Tom and most people out here pronounce the r in the word quarter. When I told her Tom pronounces it, she said, “Oh, brother!” Tom was laughing at that.

I talked to Jenny really quickly before she got on the phone and she and Sandy both told me Jenny was going to send me a letter with some drawings. Sandy said she loved my drawings and that Jenny liked the one with the plant on a hanger. That’s nice, cuz I thought that one came out shitty. Sandy said Jenny’s drawings weren’t too good, but that’s OK. I’d just love to get a letter from her with whatever she can draw if she’s for real. You know me, though. I don’t get my hopes up till I see it.

Tom showed me some new computer games yesterday, then we scanned my drawings. However, they look like shit cuz the scanner is an old shitty one and the lighting was bad. We used the camcorder and that colorized them, but they still print out shitty, so we’re gonna have to rescan them.

I finally got him to look at the music room window. He fixed it so I can open and close it but he said that cuz it was bent he didn’t want to mess with it too much in case it broke. Right now we sure as hell don’t have the extra money to buy glass for a windowpane.

More and more I find myself hoping to be a computer journalist and not writing by hand. These hands can keep up with my thoughts on a keyboard much faster than they can holding a pen.